A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Screw With (Your Name Here) Day!

We’ve all had one of those days. You know the ones I’m talking about. The days that no matter what you set out to accomplish, and despite your best intentions, everything goes wrong.

My wife and executive editor at arteejee, Anne Marie, had one of those days this week.

The morning went along fine. Then lunch went wrong. Her Chinese lunch order of General Tso’s chicken with steamed rice came to her with fried rice. Strike one! Oh well, she made do with half a lunch and brought the fried rice home for me.

Then she used the drive-thru ATM near us to get some money. Unfortunately, the touch screen on this ATM is very sensitive. If you are given a choice of two buttons to push, and if you don’t press your desired button at the precise angle, you are screwed. By precise angle, I mean that anyone driving a gas guzzling SUV into the drive-thru will automatically have their arm at the most desirable level for maximum ATM efficiency. However, if you drive anything else — like a regular car with nice mileage — then you have to reach up at an awkward position and, risking an injury that could guarantee job security for a physical therapist for the next six months, touch the screen as best you can.

In this case, her choice was between the personal savings account and a tax escrow account attached to our checking account for real estate taxes. Also, she doesn’t drive an SUV, and thus was forced to do the underhand lay up instead of the nice relaxing side arm swing. You can guess what happened: the money came out of the wrong account. So this year the real estate tax man will get an IOU. No problem! We’re good for it! Strike two!

Strike three came very quickly, when she realized it was after five o’clock and there was no one inside the bank who could rectify the situation. There followed a quick series of oaths about bankers hours, and she came home where she recounted the trials and tribulations of the ATM menace to me.

After hearing her story, I quickly concluded that the cosmos had it in for her. I want to make this perfectly clear: my idea is not a rational concept based on thoughtful common sense and logic. It doesn’t even qualify as scientific theory. This is pure paranoid conspiracy theory. I suggested that this day, Monday, May 18, 2009 was “Screw with Anne Marie Gunther Day!”

It is a special day not marked on any calendar, and not the subject of a wide range of greeting cards from Hallmark. It is a day noted, obviously, by all of the electronic devices in the world, e.g., computers, modems, telephone lines, and, most importantly, automatic teller machines! I will state again that my conclusion is not based on clear logic, but rather irrational paranoia about the eternal struggle of man versus machine.

(Now don’t scoff at the idea of irrational paranoia. For a good reference on this subject, please google “Bush Administration”.)

In any event, the day has passed for this year, and if you missed your chance to screw with Anne Marie Gunther, then that’s just too bad. You’ll just have to wait until next year. In the meantime, you yourself may experience your own special day where you get screwed by circumstances beyond your control. Unfortunately, you’ll never know what day it is until it happens. Then you too can experience the wonderful joy of smacking yourself in the head and declaring, “My God! I can’t believe the rotten luck I’m having in my life today! This must be “Screw with (your name here) day!”

If this happens, then just relax and persevere. Then be grateful it only happens once a year...or once a month...or once a week...or...


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