arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, May 13, 2011

Thank You Notes

Dear Florida:

We, the railroad riding public living in the northeastern section of the United States, want to thank you from the bottom of our carryon bags for turning down the federal money offered to you for high speed rail in your state. Now that money will be spent on upgrading our high speed rail in the Northeast Corridor! We just can’t believe the luck we are having because of your short-sighted policy!

We’re not so proud to anxiously take advantage of this wonderful opportunity that you have foolishly passed up. Soon we native Philadelphians will be able to travel up to New York City in the blink of an eye. We can go shopping, museum hopping, maybe even attend a Broadway show, and still be back home in time to catch Dancing with the Stars. You, on the other hand, will be stuck in your little hamlets in your very big state filled with lots and lots of tourists, alligators, and AARP members!

We understand why you refused this wonderful gift from the Obama administration. Your governor said that your wonderful state couldn’t afford to invest any money into high speed rail, even though it could bring jobs and more economic prosperity to you. The rails could have linked employers with wider pools of talent, widen a tourist's ability to see more of your state beyond Mickey Mouse Land, and gosh darn it all, it would have created many construction jobs just to build the damn thing!

Now that we think about it, your position seems so funny and ironic. When the Bush administration — who, like your governor, is Republican — tried to privatize the nation’s railroad system by entering into partnerships with each state, the states balked. It seems they didn’t have the money then either. Now, when a small group of Republican governors came to power last year in Florida, Ohio, and Wisconsin, they were also offered the chance to become economic partners with the federal government for railroad investment. You would think that, since this partnership was originally a Republican idea, that your governor would jump on board (no pun intended). Alas, your state still doesn’t have the money, and now the federal government is taking the money and spending it elsewhere.

This makes us in the Northeast very sad! No, on second thought, just kidding! We’re gloating over the idea of using money meant for someone else! Wow, we can’t believe our luck!

Oh, they just called for last boarding for our train! Well, gotta go! We don’t know where we’re going, but we’ll get there very quickly on our new railroad system!

Once more, thank you again for being too dollar wise and penny foolish with your ideas about economic investment. Good luck with all of your tourists, alligators, and old people! Sorry if you feel bad about us rubbing this in your face, but you know you can just eat our concrete rails!

Yours Truly,

Northeast Railroad Passengers

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Dear Ohio:

We, the railroad riding public living in the northeastern section of the United States, want to thank you from the bottom of our carryon bags for turning down the federal money offered to you for high speed rail in your state...

CC: Wisconsin

DISCLAIMER: The preceding notes were not endorsed by the National Association of Railroad Passengers (NARP), any and all other transportation lobbyists, their vendors, or Amtrak.

(Thank you for reading! Toot toot! Woo woo!)

1 Comments:

Anonymous Janey said...

I'd be happy with just an extension of the SEPTA R6 line, so I could take a train from Pottstown to Philly (and, eventually, back home agian...).

May 14, 2011 at 8:21 AM  

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