Easy Target (Too Easy)

Just so new readers to my blog won’t get the wrong idea about my satirical musings, I will endeavor to discuss another topic today. This will be a challenge to write about something other than you-know-who-wants to-be-president-even-as-he-travels-the-globe-and-manages-to-offend-every-culture-ever-created. I must rise to this challenge; either that, or I rename my blog “Mitt Romney Is An Idiot”.

So, today I am getting misty-eyed at the thought that two Phillies players will from this day forward play for other teams. Farewell, Shane Victorino! Your reputation as The Flyin’ Hawaiian was truly well earned! We will always remember your total commitment to your teammates, even as you ran into the outfield wall at high speed to catch a ball, and while doing so, on at least one occasion, pushed your nose to the back of your skull. You really knew how to give 100% to the team. In conclusion, let me just say, “WAAAAAHHHH!”

M-m-m-m-i-i-i-i-t-t-t-t-t…no, no, I must resist the easy target that the presumptive Republican nominee is setting up. It just is not right to continually harp on the man’s shortcomings. After all, the Obama campaign is already doing a wonderful job of that on its own. I should probably let them have all this fun to themselves.

Philadelphia baseball fans also said goodbye to Hunter Pence, who started out strong with us, but lately became inconsistent and error prone. Pence, surprised that he was traded to San Francisco, nonetheless graciously thanked Phillies fans for the time he spent here. Sir, I salute you….

No, forget it! I’m only fooling myself! I can’t last another sentence! Why should the Obama campaign have all the fun?

Romney’s foreign policy tour started in the United Kingdom, made a brief stop in Israel, and limped to its conclusion in Poland. Throughout it all, Romney appeared less like an American politician eager to show off his diplomatic skills, but rather more like Rufus T. Firefly! Yes, Rufus T. Firefly, the name of Groucho Marx’s character in the classic comedy Duck Soup. The only problem is that Firefly set out to intentionally start a war by insulting other world leaders with words like “upstart”. Romney, on the other hand, should not be out gallivanting around the globe trying to set off international conflict. World diplomacy is no laughing matter! And besides, even if were funny, it should be left to the professionals, like the Marx Brothers, or perhaps Wheeler and Woolsey.

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, MITT ROMNEY?

It was one thing to talk condescendingly to the British and make their legendary (perhaps stereotypical) stiff upper lips quiver with rage. Then you went to Israel and, in the course of schmoozing with wealthy Jewish donors, stated that economic success was based on culture, and therein implied that the Palestinians didn’t have what it takes to be financially successful. Naturally, Palestinian leaders read your economic pronouncements as racist. 

 

I knew Romney had tripped again when I saw the headline in my paper:  “Romney remarks rile Palestinians”. Now there are two words I never want to see used in a sentence together: “rile Palestinians”. Yet there they were, and I hope the occasion never arises when they are used together ever again.

DUDE, I REPEAT, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

Don’t you realize that the Palestinians have friends who are fond of walking into crowded areas with explosives strapped to their bodies, and then detonate said explosives when they are certain it will ensure a high casualty count? Also, don’t you realize that the suicide bombers have other friends who are fond of flying airlplanes, but strangely don’t know the difference between an airport runway and a skyscraper? Okay, do you see where I’m going with this?

I am surprised at you, Romney! I’m surprised, though I probably shouldn’t be, that you managed to publicly embarrass America while on a trip that was allegedly designed to establish your foreign policy creds. I’m also surprised - based on your other gaffes on the trip - that you didn’t open your remarks in Gdansk, Poland with a Polack joke!

YES, I WENT THERE! I SAID IT!  AND I’M GLAD I DID! DO YOU HEAR ME, MITT? I’M GLAD I SAID IT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(EDITOR'S NOTE: We’ll stop this here. Mr. Gunther obviously needs a time out.)

(Thank you for reading! Seriously, thank you! I feel better now!)