Are You Still Here, Texas?

The back story to the new fad among the electorate who voted for the loser — i.e., secession — would involve a brief history of the Presidential elections since 2000.

We all remember the 2000 election between George W. Bush and Al “The Woodman” Gore. This was the vote that made Florida the center of the media universe for a few weeks. The final result hung in the balance of a few thousand votes, and the decision of whether or not to do a recount of those few thousand votes. The argument ended up going all the way to the Supreme Court, who essentially stopped the recount which gave the White House to Bush. Republican conservatives cheered; Democrats and liberals felt cheated.

2004 election: ditto. Bush won re-election, and Democrats were even sorer than they were in 2000. A few high profile liberals talked of leaving the country.

2008: Barack Obama became the first African-American (not Kenyan) elected President. Democrats and liberals rejoiced, while Republicans and conservatives felt cheated. Many of the sore losers would spend the next four years trying to de-legitimize Obama’s presidency by demanding to see his real birth certificate.

2012: Obama wins re-election. Liberals rejoice in the afterglow of democracy’s victory over obscene amounts of campaign spending. More than a few sore losers (actually several hundred thousand sore losers) now openly discuss leaving the union because they just cannot stand living within the same national border as Barack Obama.

So now many Americans are learning (many of us for the first time) that the White House website has a place where you can petition the government, your government, your desire to secede from the sovereign United States. Most of those signing these petitions live in the southern states, which voted decidedly red during the election just past. And many of these signatories live in the state of Texas, which doesn’t surprise anyone.

What a fantastic convenience! Our own government is so accommodating that they give us, the people, a way to air our desire to leave. And if enough people agree with us and they want to leave too, then the White House will actually consider the request (or so their friends tell us).

Our ancestors in the old country could never dream of having this convenience in their lives. If they chose to speak out against their country’s leadership — which was oftentimes dictatorial in nature — they could not just sign a petition and pack their bags. In the old country, the act of secession was accomplished in a series of steps:

STEP ONE:  Reject your place in the societal hierarchy and speak out against the leaders governing over you.

STEP TWO: Answer a knock on your door in the middle of the night, where you will be compelled to go with the people knocking on your door.

STEP THREE: Your family, loved ones, and friends never see or hear from you again. Ever.

STEP FOUR: Dictatorial government against which you spoke out lives happily ever after. The end!

STEP FIVE: There is no Step Five! What part of “The End” don’t you understand?

The latest secession movement gained momentum shortly after the election, but has either peaked or the media just lost interest in covering it. Those in favor want their states to leave the country and be ruled the way they see fit. They would still live and work in their same neighborhoods, towns, cities, and counties, but they wouldn’t have to answer to the US federal government.

Those of us in favor of seeing those people leave have a different interpretation of secession. Many of us believe that the secessionists should be allowed to leave the country if that would make them happy, but if they left the country then they should bodily leave the country. In other words: let your bodies go, but the land stays!

We here at arteejee would really like to see all Americans get along with those other Americans who might not share the same philosophies. We would like to see that if we didn’t also realize that this belief is, oh, how would the French put it, oh yes, a big fat lie.

So, where would they all go? Um, who cares? Okay, let me suggest Puerto Rico. This month, the voters there decided that they didn’t like the present form of government, but not enough of them voted for the idea of statehood. So, secessionists, you could go there and have a chance to tip the balance of persuasion away from statehood. It would be a win-win for you, although I’m not sure that the people already living in Puerto Rico would appreciate my suggestion.

Oh, you secessionists would love Puerto Rico, especially you cranky Texans. Puerto Rico, or PR as it’s known to its friends, is a lovely, tropical paradise, with palm trees and miles of beaches. And many of the people already living there speak a foreign language, which should make the newly arrived immigrants from Texas feel right at home.

Who would have thought that re-electing Barack Obama would make Mitt Romney’s idea of self-deportation a reality?

It is in this spirit that we say to the secessionists: Adios! Au revoir! So long, farewell, auf weidershen, good-bye! DON’T LET THE BORDER HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON YOUR WAY OUT!

And if you change your mind and decide to come back, we won’t be leaving the light on for you!

(Thank you for reading! What? Are you still here?)