God and Son, 2016: The Next Good Friday

And now another episode of…God and Son!

(Studio applause.)

Jesus: Good Morning, Father!

God: Good Morning Jesus!  Happy Good Friday!

Jesus:  Thanks!  Oh!  It’s Good Friday again?  Already?

God:  Yes, time once again when all my best plans are revealed to the world.  This is the day that I demonstrate the concept of everlasting life!  This is the great day when…why in my name are you moping?

Jesus:  Oh, I don’t know!   Could it have something to do with you getting all the glory…

God: Um, Jesus?

Jesus: …while my physical body experiences the searing pain of a billion sins…

God:  Jesus?

Jesus: …give or take a trillion!  What, Father? 

God: You don’t get to die this year!

Jesus: I don’t? 

God:  No, you just had to do it once.

Jesus:  Just once!

God:  Yes!  Just one time so the historians could note it in their books.  Today, thousands of your followers will re-enact your most famous, selfless act in your honor.

Jesus:  My followers.   The Christians!

God: You’re moping again!  What now?

Jesus: It’s my followers!  Many of them are being killed off, and many more are planning revenge on those that are killing their brothers.

God: Okay, go on.

Jesus:  Well, taking revenge for example.  Not forgiving their enemies!  Not forgiving those that trespass against them.  And disregarding all that other noble stuff about peace and good will to men.   That’s not what I preached!  

God: Wow, Jesus!  Now I feel like moping!

Jesus:   Sorry, Father.  I don’t get it.  They all assemble in your glory, study my every syllable, every word, then go forth and regard those that are not like them as lower than themselves.  They all leave their churches, their synagogues, and their mosques, and listen to their flesh and blood hatemongers.  They just plot to destroy each other.  It’s like they’re not listening to me…or to you!

God: I know.  That’s why we need faith.

Jesus: (with a heavy sigh) Oh, here comes the eff word again!

God:  Yes, the eff word again.  I know what you say seems to be true.  I’ve seen the same things you see.  But I refuse to believe that these people trying to destroy themselves with their own fear and hatred are truly our children.

Jesus: Our children?

God: Yes. My children, your children, all of our children.  The Jews, the Muslims…

Jesus:  My Christians?

God:  Your Christians indeed!   Our Christians!

Jesus:  Whatever!   It’s like their missing something!   Their studying my work, but 

something is not sinking in.

God:  They’re not getting the memo.

Jesus: Huh?   What’s a memo?

God: Oh, it’s usually a short, important message that they all need to make their lives better, happier!  They hear your words, my glory, but they don’t fully comprehend!   Believe me all of our children and their work to make the world a better place are all works in progress.

Jesus:  Works in progress, eh?

God:  Yes, you can trust me on this!   Have faith in me on this one!

Jesus:  Ohh, there’s that eff word again!

God:  Yes, it will take a lot of trust and faith for all of the children to see this through.  But there will be a lot of turmoil until it’s all over.

Jesus:  Turmoil?

God:  Yes, suffering, pain!   It wouldn’t surprise me if there is a fair amount of Shakespearean lightning and thunder!

Jesus: Shakespearean?

God: What’s wrong with Shakespeare?

Jesus:   Oh, nothing.   I’m just a bit partial to Beckett, myself.

God:  Jesus!  We can’t play favorites!  They should all be equal in our and their eyes.

Jesus: But they’re works in progress.

God: Yes, works progressing towards a greater achievement.  A greater glory!

(Shakespearean lighting and thunder.)

Jesus:  Ah, the dramatic effect at last!

God:  Yes, drama!   Talk about fear!  That’ll put the fear of me in them!

Jesus:  Sweet me!

(Footsteps of a Roman soldiers heard coming in the distance.)

Centurion:  Jesus of Nazareth?  I place you under arrest in the name of the Emperor!

Jesus:  Father?   I thought you said I wouldn’t have to go through this again?

God:  Hmmm…the Romans must not have gotten the memo.

Centurion:  Jesus of Nazareth!  Come with us!

Jesus: Yes, yes.  I’m coming!  I know the drill!   Arrest, trial, torture, lugging that huge piece of crossed beams up the hill, nails in the wrists and feet, breathing my last in hell and high water, and vultures, then laying in a cave for three days without so much as a matzoh ball…

God:  Na, na, na, na!  I can’t hear you!

(Studio applause up and fade.)

(Thank you for reading.  This attempt at satire should not be construed as blasphemy, but those holier than us will damn us anyway!  So whoopee!)