Nominations for Bitch Slapping – August 2016

We hereby humbly make the following nominations for people to receive bitch slaps.  While we do try to refrain from promoting actual physical violence, we do believe that many in society today deserve a metaphorical slap to wake them up, bring them to their senses…and who am I kidding?   We would want to do it because it would make us feel good, focusing all of our energy of frustration on those who would do more harm with their points of view than good.  Okay, so the palms of our hands would sting for a few days, but it would be a good sting.

The nominees are:*

EVERYONE WHO DISAVOWS CLIMATE CHANGE

Dudes and dudettes, we have had no fewer than six heat waves this summer which we now know to be the hottest summer on record.  What part of insufferable heat don’t you get?  These conditions have made yard work on the weekends (when I have the time to spare for such down-in-the-dirt activities) impossible if not downright dangerous for my respiration.  The result of the heat: my cucumber plant died yielding only 3 fruit for the entire season, the pepper plants fared no better, and the weeds in the side yard are easily six feet high because I could not stay outside long enough to pull those effers. Our activities are influencing our environment. We need to face this and do some things about it besides standing around shaking our heads saying, “Nope, nope” over and over.  SMACK!  SMACK!

ANTHONY WEINER

Oh wow, an actual dickhead who keeps his brain in his penis.  He was a US representative from New York state before his sexting to women got him in very hot water with his constituents, his wife who happens to be a longtime aide to Hillary Clinton, and just about everyone else in the broad-minded (although not as broad-minded as he believed) world.  The first incident happened in 2011; there were apologies and promises to reform and all seemed well, until 2013 when another incident happened.  Again apologies and promises, until this past weekend when he texted a photo of his favorite body part while lying in bed with his son.  Now even his wife has had enough and the couple has announced their separation.  You go, girl!  And don’t hesitate to SMACK, SMACK your soon to be idiot ex-husband as you walk out the door. 

ROGER AILES

Hey, Jabba!  You had it all!  You ruled the Fox News channel for decades, telling people how they should think about their world view and thereby forming an entire new wing of radical political thought.  Okay, so now we know all the while - going back to when you were a producer for The Mike Douglas Show - that you subscribed to the casting couch philosophy of working with women in your employ. Now there are widespread reports and lawsuits of sexual harassment at Fox News, where you promoted a dress code of short dresses and high heels for female employees. It looks like I picked the wrong day to walk away from a career in television journalism…oh, I mean, this is shocking, absolutely shocking!   Shocking to learn that lines like “We would both be good and better if we had sexual relations!” actually worked for you. It was also shocking to learn that you would confess to not rising when a female approached so you could get a peek down their bosoms as they leaned toward you.   

This method of cheap thrills is a closely guarded (but very open) secret among men.  Women are not that dumb: they’ve known it about this for centuries   Still, it doesn’t give you license to confess it to the world!   That’s it Ailes!   We’ve had enough!   Take your $40 million (!!??) buyout, turn in your man card, and present your cheeks for a SMACK, SMACK. Oh, and try not to drool on our palms….

DONALD TRUMP

Oh, where do we being to enumerate the reasons to slap you silly.   You give us more choices every day of your campaign!  There’s no denying that you are entertaining.  Still your seduction of large swaths of the American electorate to follow you is alarming!  We should probably smack them as well, but there’s too many of them and our hands would probably break open, bleed, and fall to pieces as we performed our ritual.  SMACK, SMACK for you, Herr Donald, and many more to come.

*NOTE: this is meant to be a partial listing and readers are encouraged to add their own pet peeve people to the list at will.

(Thank you for reading. Coming soon,  a very proper tribute to Gene Wilder.)