A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Dead Celebrities, or Is Anna Nicole Smith Still Dead?

We’re only two months into 2007, but I can say that we already have a chic trend for this year. Each year brings something big – an object, an action, or some movement —which becomes so popular that that year becomes identified with the trend. For instance, 1974 was the year of the streak. Beanie Babies were the thing to possess in 1995, just as everyone had to have a Cabbage Patch Doll in 1983. I think that 2007 will be remembered as the year “It Took A Long Time to Bury Dead Celebrities”.

Former President Gerald R. Ford started the movement when he passed away just after Christmas. I believe a full ten days elapsed from his passing to when his body lay in state in California, then transported to Washington, where he lay in state again for a few more days, then transported to his home state of Michigan, where he lay in state yet again, and finally burial. It may take you another ten days just to read that last sentence, but take your time and pause at the commas. Catch your breath and I’ll see you in the next paragraph.

Ford is luckier than James Brown. The hardest working man in show business died on Christmas Day, and he still isn’t in the ground yet! Last week I heard that his burial would happen in days, but the family wouldn’t say where or when the event would happen. I’m thinking that it got delayed again.

Ah, but coming up fast on James Brown’s heels is Anna Nicole Smith. Just when everyone thought that the court had ordered her body to be buried in the Bahamas, her mother steped in again with another lawsuit. Personally, if I ruled the world and it were up to me, I would have Anna buried in the Bahamas next to her son, and have grandma buried in Texas, pronto, or as soon as possible if not sooner. I realize it make take a while to bury Anna Nicole’s mom, particularly since her death hasn’t happened yet. Still, this is just a formality. I don’t think the fact that she will continue to jump out of the coffin and run around the church during the service should stop us from burying her as quickly as possible.

Of course if she died, then her burial may not happen at all. She would be the latest dead celebrity kept on ice while some lawyer somewhere in the world files a writ or a suit or whatever to keep her burial from happening. It’s strange that the dead get more respect in the world than the living. Go figure!

This trend would not be complete without exploitation from the media. It just occurred to me that the scene of Anna Nicole's mom trying to elude the mourners at her funeral would make great television! I’m surprised that the Fox Network hasn’t jumped on this yet:

“Yes, coming soon to your living room, the most intense competition of the year, which dead celebrity will get buried first? You vote, America! It’s up to you! With your host, former Spanish dictator, Generalissimo Francisco Franco!”*

*If you don’t understand that line, kids, then may I suggest you view Saturday Night Live, The First Season, available now on DVD!


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