A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Texas Shooters

A native Texan once told me that if you ever shoot anyone standing on your porch, drag them inside your door. This way you can claim to the authorities that you were defending your life and property. I don’t recall the circumstances as to why this idea came up in conversation. I also don’t know how to classify the concept. Is it conventional wisdom, urban superstition, or someone’s twisted idea of common sense? In any event, I was reminded of it when I read about a shooting incident in the great state of Texas.

It happened last week when a couple shot at four people who they believed were trespassing on their property. The people were off-roading when they stopped to allow the two children in the group a chance to use the bathroom. It has since been determined that the “trespassers” were not on the couple’s property at all. So far, one of the victims, a seven year-old boy, has since died of his wounds.

Authorities are holding the couple for aggravated assault and possibly manslaughter by the time this blog is published.

The couple faces a tough legal battle, because I doubt that they could use the above scenario as their defense. It’s not like there are any witnesses who overheard the couple say, “Hey, Pa! That one’s still moving. Better give them another shot!” No, the troublesome point of their defense will be a sign on their property.

The sign reads, as quoted in The Houston Chronicle: “Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be reshot!! Smile I will.”

Talk about a tough neighborhood...

First of all, this sign reflects so much of what is thought to be a typical Texas attitude. Many of us have encountered this passionate chauvinism for everything that is Texas. It is an attitude that is proud, boastful, and ready to fight anyone who disputes them. Hell, this is the state that gave us two Presidents who got us into wars which everyone later agreed were very bad ideas!

Bearing this in mind, this couple may have a loophole to get them off scot free. No, I’m not talking about the Second Amendment with its “they’ll-have-to-pry-my-gun-from-my-cold-dead-fingers" NRA propaganda. No, I think the couple could claim that they are not the actual owners of the property where the incident took place. They could just point at the language on the sign and declare, “Look, no one talks like that, ‘Smile, I will’. No one except the actual owner, and he’s a little green man.”

Yes, now we know what happened to Yoda since the Star Wars franchise was put to bed. He retired to Texas, where he’s either gotten very paranoid or vindictive as all hell. Perhaps he scans the Lone Star skies for signs that the Empire has finally found him. Or maybe he fears a cadre of English teachers will hunt him down for talking weird. Either way, it appears that he has totally embraced the stereo-typical Texan attitude of fierce pride and loyalty for the state.

So, we shall see how this all plays out. The couple could either face life in prison or lethal injection. They could also go free a la Bernhard Goetz. I’m sure a good lawyer - sorry, a good Texas lawyer — will get them acquitted.


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