A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Don’t Cry for Him, Argentina!

The liberal blogosphere is happily setting the Internet on fire with all of the revelations coming out about South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's recent disappearance. The governor went missing and told only his staff he was going to hike the Appalachian Trail to “clear his head”. Members of the press caught up to him — not on a wooded trail — but at the airport returning from Argentina.

His story got more interesting when the married with children governor - best remembered as condemning Bill Clinton for his extra-marital affair ten years ago - confessed and apologized to his own affair with a Latina American woman known only as Maria.

Before I am accused of piling on this poor, unfortunate man, let me state that perhaps we should give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, he has served the public of South Carolina well up to this point, he did enter public office with the best of intentions, and he has in the past vowed to uphold his service to the highest grounds of morality and virtue. So he met some hot Latina woman, forgot all about his sense of virtue, gave into temptations of the flesh and fell...hard on his political face!

So much for the benefit of the doubt. Let the piling on begin!

Maybe Governor Sanford is just bad at geography. Yes, that must be it! He was confused about his ultimate destination when he walked out on his staff. I can see how this might happen. Let’s compare and contrast the two locations: the Appalachian Trail and Argentina.

At first glance, we find that both locations are depicted on many maps as long, slender, and very leafy. On the other hand, we find a big difference between the inhabitants of these two locales. For example, residents of Argentina speak a foreign language, while people living near the Appalachian Trail just talk downright funny. Clearly, geography was not Governor Sanford’s best subject in school.

Perhaps he hiked the mountainous trails to inspire his poetry. One major newspaper in Charlotte has published some of his more rhymable couplets he sent to Maria via e-mail. In the e-mails, he wrote how his heart “cries out for you, your body, your voice, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips, and an even deeper connection to your soul.” How romantic! How incriminating!

Let’s just speculate on what images could spur Don Juan Sanford to write so longingly about his lady. There would be the majesty of the mountain peaks, the swaying of the trees in a lazy summer breeze, the cool crispness of a waterfall, or the curvaceous patterns of a water moccasin gliding along the surface of a Carolina pond. Speaking as a male with an appreciative eye for female beauty, guess which images inspire my sense of romance? If I have to vote between a sexy hot-blooded Latina woman or a cold-blooded, poisonous reptile...hey, it’s no contest! Clearly the sights of Argentina are more inspirational for a romantic poet like Mark Sanford.

To paraphrase Desi Arnaz, Sanford has some 'splainin' to do, and that’s all he has done ever since he reappeared. His wife has thrown him out, but she seems open to reconciliation. This despite the fact that she is heiress to the Skil tools fortune and doesn’t need him for financial support. He might need her more than she needs him, if only for the connections she could supply for any political future he can salvage.

Then there is his professional responsibility to the people of South Carolina. The most grievous offense he committed here was not turning power over to the Lieutenant Governor. Fortunately, no disaster occurred; hurricane season is not in full swing yet. Also, fortunately, them damn Yankees didn’t try to take Fort Sumter again. Whew, that was a close one!

So far Sanford has brushed off the idea of resigning. He probably won’t be subjected to legal recriminations, because apparently he didn’t do anything illegal by getting away from it all for a few days. Once again we must marvel at this fact of jurisprudence: it is not illegal to exhibit extreme stupidity.

If this was the case, then all of us with the X chromosome would be incarcerated for life...


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