A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Bachelor Weekend: Aftermath

Anne Marie arrived safely back from her trip to Columbus at 1:00a. She announced she was tired, and went straight to bed. No reading before passing out, and, shockingly, no knitting. Within minutes she was sound asleep. Thus ended my bachelor weekend; the cats and I survived very well.

I must report that I didn’t misbehave once during my four days of marital freedom. I finished a pitcher of hurricanes in my fridge, but otherwise I didn’t touch alcohol once the entire time Anne Marie was gone.

My eating habits...well, that was another matter.

I’ll put it this way: I fell off the healthy diet wagon over the weekend. I started my food orgy on Friday night with a pizza cheese steak, kettle potato chips, and French onion dip. This is a guilty pleasure which I can’t enjoy if Anne Marie is within a five mile perimeter of the house. She claims that my onion dip “stinks”.

Okay, I do make it very strong – one envelope of onion soup mix to one pound of sour cream. Yes, it’s true! During the past weekend I consumed - here I must warn young children, small furry animals, the sensitive souls, and cardiologists to go directly to the next paragraph now so that you are spared the following shocking confession — an ENTIRE POUND OF ONION DIP! It actually shouldn’t have been as bad as it sounds. After all I did use light sour cream, and the chips I used for dipping purposes were reduced fat, or so the label says.

Then I capped the weekend with a trip to my local Chinese buffet. My neighbor, John, went along as well, since his wife was on the same trip as Anne Marie. He had no other plans, and usually he cooks out on Sunday afternoon/evening, but it just seemed silly to fire up the grill for two guys, especially when a pile of peel-n-eat shrimp was beckoning to us.

Monday night came and I made plans to turn in early and wake up around midnight so that I could greet Anne Marie when she finally arrived home. The onion dip was long gone — finished at lunchtime - and I had brushed my teeth so as not to be so offensive. This plan worked out, but only to a certain point.

I had trouble falling asleep because of the phone. It kept ringing, which is something it doesn’t normally do when we’re wide awake. I discovered how to get people to call you: go to bed early! They must somehow detect that you are trying to sleep, when actually your desire to sleep is a cry out for human communication...or so they think!

My aunt called, my mother called (twice), and finally, Anne Marie called from the road when they got on the Pennsylvania Turnpike at New Stanton. I have never had this many phone calls from members of the opposite sex in such a short period of time in my entire life! Even when I advertised my commitment availability in the singles want ads of The Washington City Paper I didn’t get this many calls. Back then I only received two responses (one from Anne Marie).

It was actually Tuesday morning when Anne Marie walked through the back door, exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. Meanwhile, I was wide awake and perky a la Little Miss Mary Sunshine, after my nice four hour nap and all the phone calls. Oh yes, I forgot one detail: when I welcomed Anne Marie home with a hug she replied, “You smell like onions!”

Didn’t I tell you I make strong onion dip?


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