SNORT NOTES – JUNE 2009*

Time once again to offer our monthly pithy commentary on current events in the world.

GM FILES FOR BANKRUPTCY PROTECTION WITH ADDITIONAL BAILOUT MONEY FROM THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION

It has occurred to me that with all this taxpayer money going to save the auto and banking industry that each one of us is now a shareholder in these companies. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. American Taxpayer! Each of us now owns .000000000000000000000000000000005 of one share in General Motors! Ah, but don’t plan to pay for a vacation at Disney World with your dividends just yet. According to my calculations, each share is worth .0000000000000000000000000000496 of one cent! Again, congratulations!

OCTOMOM NADIA SULEMAN INKS DEAL FOR REALITY TELEVISION SERIES STARRING HERSELF AND HER BROOD

We’ve heard this rumor for months and I was hoping it would never come true. Alas, my hopes for quality television are dashed again! Isn’t it time that the whole reality show genre die a quick, violent death in the Nielsen ratings? Isn’t it time we dusted off some series that didn’t really get a chance to prove themselves the first time around. I’m thinking along the lines of shows like “The Chicago Teddy Bears” or “When Things Were Rotten.”

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY CONFOUNDS FRIENDS AND FOES: SUPPORTS GAY MARRIAGE RIGHTS ON A STATE-BY-STATE BASIS

Geez, just when you want this guy to go away, he comes along with a stand on an issue on which even liberals can agree. Anyone who knows anything about Cheney’s life knows that his daughter — and by extension himself — has an interest in same-sex marriage rights. Okay, Dick, we’ll stand with you on this issue, but it doesn’t mean we’ve forgiven you for water boarding.

I wonder if Dick cleared this with Rush...

NORTH KOREA TESTS MORE NUCLEAR MISSLES; THREATENS TO RESTART KOREAN WAR

Now this more like it: once a belligerent, always a belligerent. None of this, “Liberals are wusses” crap followed by “Hey, let homosexuals get married,” like Cheney is saying. With Kim Jong Il, you always know where you stand. He hated us yesterday, he hates us today, and he’ll hate us tomorrow.

I know I’m nit-picking, but I’m just more comfortable with love-hate feelings from our enemies that are consistent.

There are several different scenarios to consider with this emerging crisis. The Obama administration in partnership with the United Nations can diplomatically convince North Korea to back down on its threats. This may include more economic sanctions against the nation, which could hurt the North Korean people.

Or the conflict could escalate and mankind will finally witness that nuclear winter we’ve been hearing about ever since the Eisenhower administration advised small children to “duck and cover” in the event a nuclear bomb detonated near their school. I really hope this doesn’t happen! My reasoning has nothing to do with the any of the clichés, “I’m too young to die”, or “The world has so much promise yet.”

No, I fear a nuclear holocaust because I have just gone to great expense to have the windows replaced in my house. These windows are guaranteed to decrease our energy bills by 30% in both the summer and winter. That means nice and cool inside the house during the summer, and comfortable and warm during the winter. The guarantee doesn’t say anything about window efficiency in the case of a nuclear attack.

Besides, if a nuclear weapon does explode near my house, then where will the postman deliver our $1500 tax rebate for buying the windows in the first place?

This whole North Korea situation leaves me with several questions. Will Kim Jong Il blink? Will he issue a statement about same-sex marriage? And if he issues a statement about same-sex marriage, will he clear it with Rush...?

*The word “snort” was a typo, but Anne Marie loves it, so we’re not correcting it back to “short”. Henceforth, this monthly feature will be titled, “Snort Notes.” Until next month...