arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, July 14, 2006

Pool (less) Season

If the news on the Internet is any indication, a few heavy items will hit the fan within the next few days. First, there is the publication of a book that Richard M. Nixon was involved with the John F. Kennedy assassination, which was orchestrated by the Mafia.

I’ll bet that even this is beyond Oliver Stone’s wildest imagination! I can’t imagine what Nixon’s motive would have been. After all, both he and Kennedy were Senators and, while I’m not sure what their personal feelings were towards each other, I think it’s safe to say that each thought the other as a worthy adversary in the Senate chamber. Oh yeah, there was the 1960 election in which Nixon might have thought he was robbed of the White House by Kennedy and some obliging Cook County, Illinois voters. Hmmm, I forgot about that one... Maybe Nixon did have a motive.

Or the news that Robert Novak is now directly pointing his finger at Bush advisor Karl Rove as one of the sources who outted CIA operative Valerie Plame. While I doubt that Bush would oust his friend from the administration (although that is what he said he would do to anyone in his administration who was found guilty of blowing Plame’s cover), I believe he will compelled to make some sort of drastic step to rectify the situation. I’m thinking that he will either present Rove with a medal for a job well done; or he will propose a Constitutional amendment making it lawful for Americans to burn gay pride flags at will and as often as they so choose.

Or he could go on national television and say, “My fellow Americans, tonight we are faced with a crisis involving Todd Gunther and his inability to get his swimming pool set up for the summer. He has been unable to do this despite his best efforts, with the kind assistance of his friends and neighbors. I am calling on all of you within the sound of my voice tonight to take your minds off Richard Nixon and Iraq and Karl Rove and North Korea and the war on terror and all the other things I’ve managed to screw up and think about Todd Gunther.”

I wish I could say that the President was wrong again, but I must admit that everything he says is true. The pool season is half over and I have had nothing but trouble in setting up my inflatable pool. I had hoped to have it ready to go during my vacation immediately before Memorial Day. That was seven weeks ago! The instructional video states that it should only take 12 minutes, but it’s taken me seven weeks! I can’t believe this!

I’m able to inflate the ring with air, and get water into the pool. I’ve got that part down pat. My problem has been finding a level spot on my property for the damned thing.

So far this summer I have invested several hundred dollars in sand, lumber, and topsoil in an attempt to level out my chosen area. I just need a simple 16’ by 16’ level square area. This is what I have: a 16’ by 16’ square area that is one inch below level at one corner, one-and-three-quarters inch low at another corner, and two inches lower at a third corner. I have spent way too much time leveling the ground, inflating the ring, hooking up the filter, filling the pool with water, draining it after finding that the ground was still not level, and repeating this process at least two more times.

What I have now is a deflated, dry plastic pool, a spot of my property that is now two more inches above sea level than it had previously been (and still not level), and a large mound of leftover top soil that at least is being enjoyed by one of my neighbors. At three years of age my neighbor is easily amused.

That, in a nutshell, is the problem the President mentioned. I guess I should be grateful that my crisis has fulfilled my patriotic duty of diverting everyone’s attention from Karl Rove, Iraq, North Korea and the war on terror, but not Richard Nixon. Mr. Nixon, you’re dead and on your own.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girlfriend, fuck the pool -- just take a cold shower! :-)

August 22, 2006 at 2:58 PM  

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