A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Interrogation Transcript

AMERICAN AGENT: Okay, Mr. Bousa-alr-clemiki, I am required to read this to you as part of our interview.

BOUSA-ALR-CLEMIKI: Death to you!

AGENT: Right, anyway, I just wanted to let you know that we have these options available to you for a one-time premium charge of $1960. This option will pay for all repairs to your new car, during the next 60 months, after a $50 deductible.

CLEMIKI: I will rip your head off and spit down your neck, Great Satan!

AGENT: Now I know you will appreciate the peace of mind you’ll get knowing you have this coverage. Let me remind you that this beyond our standard warranty of 100,000 miles or 6 years, whichever comes first. I can break this down for you...that would work out to an additional $32.67 per month on top of your car payment.

CLEMIKI: Death to your family!

AGENT: Okay, if that’s still too much for your budget, how about we up the deductible to $ your cost is $1130.00. That would only be $18.83 per month in addition to your car payment. This would pay all car repairs – engine, motor, electrical, anything that goes wrong - in full, and the only cost to you is the deductible.

CLEMIKI: Die, Great Satan, die!

AGENT: I know it’s late, Mr. Clemiki, but you really should consider one of these options. It would give you a great peace of mind...


CLEMIKI: Water! Mercy!

AGENT: I can sense that you know the value of buying one of our extended warranties! Now we also have available the glass etch option for vehicle identification in the event of theft...

Okay, even though this interrogation transcript goes on for a few more pages, I think you get the idea. We must not allow the President of the United States to use an extended car warranty sales pitch as part of his plan to extract information from terrorist detainees. As anyone can see from the above excerpt, this is a highly cruel and inhumane form of torture. Even worse, if we use this against our prisoners, it may be used against our own soldiers in the war on terror!

I sincerely hope Congress will keep this torture in mind as they return to their home districts to campaign for re-election. Perhaps in the next session of Congress we’ll see significant strides in eliminating this form of punishment from future interrogations. It can’t lead to anything good, but it can backfire on all of us.


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