Like Talking to a Wall
In a conference room somewhere in Hollywood, a film producer holds a meeting with some of his production crew.
“Okay, we’re here to discuss our television movie of the week Crisis on the Border, the drama about our latest efforts to bring peace to the Mid-East. Writers, I have to start by saying that I’m not entirely happy with the script. For one thing, the script calls for Israel to launch their first attack into Lebanon while the Hezbollah guerrillas are having a dress rehearsal for the musical 1776. I’m not so sure that we want to romanticize their struggle by showing them staging an American musical. Maybe we can show them going about their daily routine…maybe going to work, going to school, drinking coffee at an outdoor café in Beirut. Wait, what am I saying? We want a historically accurate depiction of the Mid-East peace process, not a Michael Moore documentary. I know! We can show them unloading missiles marked from Iran! That’s it! Okay get to work on that angle!”
“Is casting here? Oh, good...Margeux, am I to understand that our main protagonist is Condoleezza Rice? Great! Let’s try to get Halle Berry for the role. Tell her people not to worry about Condi’s teeth. We can have Industrial Light and Magic darken in a gap for her. For Kofi Annan, how about Morgan Freeman? Now, casting Hezbollah is a problem. I’ve heard that they’re not directly involved in face-to-face negotiations with Condi, that they will be talking to her through the Lebanese parliament. Frankly, I don’t see how Condi can do it, talking about a peace settlement when one of the combatants isn’t even there across the table from you. It will be like she’s sitting there talking to a brick wall...”
“Wait! That’s it! This is brilliant! It’s something that’s never been done on television! We’ll cast an inanimate object to portray Hezbollah. Yes, we could get a brick wall to portray them. It would be cheaper, SAG rules be damned, and it would be historically accurate! This is great! Call the art department! Have them buy up every brick in southern California! Wait, I just thought of another scene we could use it in. Where is that...oh, here it is. Scene 89, where Al Gore bursts into the Oval Office with a copy of An Inconvenient Truth under his arms. Yes, a confrontation with the President over global warming! We’ll get another brick wall to portray the President! Again, it would be historically accurate!”
“Okay, people, let’s get out there and get this project moving. Remember, if it tanks, we can always release direct to video with the title Condi Does Beirut. Now get going!”
“Okay, we’re here to discuss our television movie of the week Crisis on the Border, the drama about our latest efforts to bring peace to the Mid-East. Writers, I have to start by saying that I’m not entirely happy with the script. For one thing, the script calls for Israel to launch their first attack into Lebanon while the Hezbollah guerrillas are having a dress rehearsal for the musical 1776. I’m not so sure that we want to romanticize their struggle by showing them staging an American musical. Maybe we can show them going about their daily routine…maybe going to work, going to school, drinking coffee at an outdoor café in Beirut. Wait, what am I saying? We want a historically accurate depiction of the Mid-East peace process, not a Michael Moore documentary. I know! We can show them unloading missiles marked from Iran! That’s it! Okay get to work on that angle!”
“Is casting here? Oh, good...Margeux, am I to understand that our main protagonist is Condoleezza Rice? Great! Let’s try to get Halle Berry for the role. Tell her people not to worry about Condi’s teeth. We can have Industrial Light and Magic darken in a gap for her. For Kofi Annan, how about Morgan Freeman? Now, casting Hezbollah is a problem. I’ve heard that they’re not directly involved in face-to-face negotiations with Condi, that they will be talking to her through the Lebanese parliament. Frankly, I don’t see how Condi can do it, talking about a peace settlement when one of the combatants isn’t even there across the table from you. It will be like she’s sitting there talking to a brick wall...”
“Wait! That’s it! This is brilliant! It’s something that’s never been done on television! We’ll cast an inanimate object to portray Hezbollah. Yes, we could get a brick wall to portray them. It would be cheaper, SAG rules be damned, and it would be historically accurate! This is great! Call the art department! Have them buy up every brick in southern California! Wait, I just thought of another scene we could use it in. Where is that...oh, here it is. Scene 89, where Al Gore bursts into the Oval Office with a copy of An Inconvenient Truth under his arms. Yes, a confrontation with the President over global warming! We’ll get another brick wall to portray the President! Again, it would be historically accurate!”
“Okay, people, let’s get out there and get this project moving. Remember, if it tanks, we can always release direct to video with the title Condi Does Beirut. Now get going!”
posted by todd gunther | 6:34 PM
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