Coming Clean with Your Constituents, or Why It’s Impossible for Politicians To Be Totally Honest

Dear Republican Members of Congress:

Please feel free to use the following letter of confession to relieve any feelings of guilt you may have about letting your constituents down in the wake of the Mark Foley sex scandal. Many of you are being held responsible, some perhaps unjustly, for the way the Republican leadership sought to cover up Foley’s e-mail use to lure and seduce underage male pages. By signing this letter, you will be forthright and honest with the people who believed in you to send you to Congress. Granted, this may not win you many votes and you may get bruised when your ass hits the pavement upon being kicked out of office, but just think how clear your conscience will be once you send this letter to the people back home.

Good luck, and write when you get work!*

My dear fellow American voter,

I feel it's time that I should make my position clear to you on the subject of how we handled the scandal involving our colleague, Mark Foley. To tell the truth, we mishandled it badly. We mishandled it in such a way that was unbecoming the great institution of Congress, but more becoming the Boston Archdiocese. Our leadership meant well, but it now appears that their efforts to help Mr. Foley were misguided.

Our efforts were wrong, and Mr. Foley’s actions were also wrong. While I’m sure many of you would like nothing better than to cast Mr. Foley into the depths of Hell where his soul will burn forever, I must remind you that such an action is not what the Republican Party is all about. We are the party of the Big Tent! We are all inclusive, even though in recent years we have had to respect the wishes of the so-called religious right more than anyone else does.

This brings me to the subject of family values. Many of us ran on a platform of family values, the traditional one-man, one-woman, two-and-a-half children unit. We realize that this is a very serious issue with many of our constituents, and we truly respect its place in your lives.

However, the truth is many of us don’t believe in them at all. Hell, some of us haven’t been to church in ages! Our consultants (particularly Karl Rove) advised us that family values are a hot-button issue and it would guarantee that we would get elected to office. Well, damn, if they weren’t right! You people were suckered into voting for us even though the issue rubbed many of us the wrong way.

I realize many of you will be outraged to learn these things about us, but I feel that now is the time to be candid, honest and forthright with everyone. Thank you and I look forward to your support on Election Day.

Respectfully, sincerely and truthfully,
(Your Congressperson)

*I’m kidding about writing me when you get work. I could care less if I ever hear from any of you again.