A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Dear Greedy Bank, Inc.

Dear (insert name of national corporate bank with ghastly high credit card interest rate here):

This is good-bye, farewell and so long to you and your 23.99% interest rate. By the time this letter reaches you, our final payment should be credited to my account. This payment, made through the courtesy of another lender, comes with a lower interest rate that will make our monthly household budget much more manageable.

I must admit that we have shared fun times together while using your credit card. Lately, however, the thought of paying out $2500 in interest charges just to qualify for a $25.00 gift card to my favorite restaurant has gotten old very fast. This is not a business arrangement that I can live with anymore. I can put this in many different terms, but suffice to say that your card does not have a competitive interest rate. You notified me some months ago that new federal regulations would allow you to recalculate my minimum monthly payment on my card, which I guess was another way of telling us consumers, “Bend over and open your anus as wide as you can!”

As soon as I read your notification, I smelled a bush. To be more specific, a bank-lobby-and-big-business-friendly Bush. I am convinced that his administration is behind this latest assault on my wallet, and even if it isn’t, I’ll find a way to connect this to him somehow.

Let me illustrate my reasoning by dissecting your latest statement. I currently have a balance in excess of $XX,XXX. You want me to send a payment of $207.00, of which $205.06 will be applied to interest. This leaves me with a payment of $1.94 towards the principal. This will take me a while, a long while, to pay off. At this rate, it will take me approximately 5,361 months to pay off. Now, don’t go rushing for your calculators. I’ve already figured out how many years that comes to, and I can assure you I have no intention of sticking around until February 2453 to pay my balance off. Mind you, this is a very conservative figure – I didn’t calculate the interest charges in, so the actual pay off time would be something approximating infinity.

So, dear (insert huge national bank with high interest rates and probably kidnaps small furry animals in the night for sacrifices by moonlight), I hope this letter will give you pause to think about your unbridled greed.

Oh, I know I am not acting in good faith in our capitalistic system, and that if I really want to possess things and do activities, I should have no qualms about whipping out my plastic, tomorrow be damned. I can’t think that way any longer. I have learned a long time ago that there is a cost to everything, an economic karma if you will. The loss of my business will be the price you pay for your high interest rates. So goodbye (insert ginormous national bank with high interest rates, but not as high or loathsome as my wife’s bank who [she has told me] stinks of elderberries!)*

*With apologies to Monty Python


Blogger Gina Loves Lake George said...

...and that is if your credit isn't in the hopeer! I would like to reuse your letter, but address it to Dear (insert name of pain in the A credit reporting bureaus who don't have up to date information and make people jump through hoops just to get the correct information on THEM posted...this calander year).

So thank you for the template :)

July 30, 2006 at 9:18 AM  

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