A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.
- Name: todd gunther
- Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
We can’t end the month without an installment of snort notes. This month will be slightly different. Instead of notations on three or four stories, I’ll just have two topics to share: Neil Armstrong and the Republican National Convention.
AMERICA MOURNS THE DEATH OF APOLLO 11 ASTRONAUT NEIL ARMSTRONG
Armstrong, who has been described in one account as “a nerdy engineer who kept to himself,” died Saturday, August 25, from complications due to heart surgery. The former astronaut was 82, and had virtually disappeared from public view since he returned from the moon in July, 1969. He never tried to parlay his heroic act into a second career (like politics), but seemed content to live his life in private.
Perhaps his being chosen for the mission was a matter of luck coupled with his having the right qualifications for the mission. Still, his feat was amazing given the fact that he was the first human being to ever set foot on a planetary body beyond the Earth’s atmosphere. How he managed to live his life as he saw fit with that achievement on his resume is equally amazing. Of course, it probably helped that there was no 24/7 news cycle in 1969.
Armstrong has received many tributes since his passing. In keeping with the nation’s honoring of heroes, President Obama has ordered flags flown at half-mast on government buildings. There have been calls from Ohio to give Armstrong services in Washington befitting former presidents, but it appears that the astronaut’s family is planning private services in Cincinnati.
Rest in Peace, Mr. Armstrong.
ACT OF GOD IN THE FORM OF A HURRICANE ALTERS SCHEDULE FOR REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION IN TAMPA
Wouldn’t you know it? The political party which professes to have God’s back when it comes to social issues like abortion and gay rights gets upstaged by the Lord just when they are having their biggest party in four years. Way to go, God!
Unfortunately, the act will most likely cause massive destruction once Hurricane Isaac makes landfall, which is now predicted to be at New Orleans. Keep in mind that the Big Easy is still rebuilding from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina that struck the city 7 years ago to the day. It’s not going to be fun in New Orleans this week.
In Tampa, the GOP will try to carry on as best they can while they go through the motions of coronating Mitt Romney as their choice to run against Barack Obama. They will most likely try to keep the mood as festive as possible, even as they realize that many people will be watching Isaac. Of course, they’re concerned about the possible destruction and loss of life while they carry out their party duties. Obviously they’re not concerned enough to go to extremes and cancel the event; since there would be no more time to reschedule the convention, they would just concede the White House to Barack Obama two months before Election Day. Hey, a liberal can dream, can’t he?
So what will the few people watching the convention see? Well, they won’t see as much as originally planned. The first day’s events were abbreviated for the sake of delegate safety. This led to changing schedules around for the shortened time period. Fortunately, two of the speakers, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal and Florida Governor Rick Scott have bowed out to turn their attentions to Hurricane Isaac. Kudos to both you gentlemen for keeping your priorities straight. (This may be the first and last time I will commend these two on this blog, so enjoy!)
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie gave the keynote address, and it’s a safe bet that it wasn’t broadcast with a letterbox screen. Christie will need a full screen to accommodate his (expanding) girth. What did we expect, that New Jersey’s chief executive would trim his appetite even as he trims the appetite for big state government? No way! Back home in Trenton, Christie noshes on a steady diet of hecklers, with the occasional ice cream cone at the Jersey shore. And everyone knows how fattening hecklers can be!
Romney's spouse, Ann, also addressed the convention. She made news a few weeks ago when she defiantly refused to release any tax returns other than those minimally required by law. She claimed at the time they have nothing to hide. I had hoped that she would use the speech to offer a more valid reason for not releasing the returns. Frankly, the only excuse I will accept: the returns were soiled last year when the Romney clan took another vacation, and they used the tax documents to line the bottom of their family dog’s pet carrier. Beyond that, there should indeed be nothing to hide.
All in all, the convention promises to be rather routine. A possible rebellion on the floor — and the one hope of a political drama played on live television — has been averted due to compromise. Bummer! Just when you need some excitement at a political rally, the delegates use a device that they refuse to use otherwise for the good of the nation. It would be very helpful if they used these negotiating skills once the players return to Washington.
When it’s all said and done, Romney will be nominated, but Hurricane Isaac will get all of the attention.
(Thank you for reading. “Fly me to the moon….”)
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Of God and Xanadu
I firmly believe that the most obnoxious sub-group among conservatives has got to be evangelical Christians. Of course, being a slightly left of center liberal, I will admit to being slightly biased. My point is that this group has been very vocal about blaming every evil to befall our country on some subject or another that violates their sense of decency.
In recent years, every bad event is blamed on American society’s growing tolerance of gay marriage/lifestyle/agenda. The gay marriage movement is being blamed for our soldiers dying in Afghanistan; for the 9/11 attacks; for any number of hurricanes that has landed on our coasts for the last 10 years, and for the drought our country’s midwestern section is experiencing this year. All of these are based on the belief that all these events happen at the hands of a vengeful God.
Which reminds me, evangelicals, does a vengeful God rain too much water on our coasts, or not enough water on our farmlands? Is God really that indecisive when it comes to revenge? Come on, evangelicals, make up your freakin’ minds! He either wants us to drown or starve, but you can’t have it both ways!
As for me, I don’t believe God is vengeful. I believe that God is benevolent, and I will explain my beliefs with just two words: Gene Kelly.
Kelly, who was born 100 years ago in Pittsburgh this past Thursday, entertained millions of movie goers over the years. Even those of us who would not name the musical as their favorite genre can appreciate his incredible moves, his limitless energy, and the unyielding drive for perfection in his performances. There is no doubt he had an incredible career that stretched from the early 40s all the way to the mid 80s. He was not only a consummate performer, but he was also a force behind the camera as well in roles as a director and choreographer.
So okay, God gave Gene Kelly this wonderful talent, and many times we were rewarded with wonderful memories of his films: Singing In the Rain, An American in Paris, On the Town immediately come to mind. Ah, but no film career is perfect, for even in Kelly’s career there was the occasional clunker. One of those clunkers was released in 1980, Xanadu.
Xanadu - a hopeless mish-mosh of WTF elements - was not well received by the critics when it was originally released, and I see no reason to be forgiving 32 years later. The film couldn’t make up its mind what it wanted to be. Yes, it was a musical with garish costumes, with one schizophrenic musical interlude that swayed back and forth between big band jazz and late 70s punk rock. It had an animated dance sequence, which I suppose was a nod to an earlier Kelly performance in Anchors Aweigh when he danced with Jerry the Mouse. And…and…and so much else that didn’t fit together at all. Film critic Gene Shalit probably summed it up best when he ended his review with the words, “Xana-don’t!"
Of course at the time, I only knew that some of the music was composed and performed by one of my favorite groups, Electric Light Orchestra. That’s all I cared about, and that’s why I paid money to see Xanadu…the first time.
Yes, I saw Xanadu more than once, but no more than twice! The reason I paid to see it a second time was that I took a young lady to the movies, and I had hopes that the evening would end in romance. Long story short, the end of the date did not turn out like I had hoped. Naturally, I blame my not getting laid on the evening’s choice of entertainment (namely Xanadu) and not my lack of social graces, which according to my beloved spouse I still don’t possess. In any event, this should explain why I suddenly get grumpy when the subject of Xanadu comes up.
It also explains why I believe God is not the vengeful deity that so many of our narrow-minded, intolerant, superstitious true believing brethren would have us believe. A truly vengeful God would have arranged it so that Xanadu would be the last screen credit listed on Gene Kelly’s IMDB resume. God could have had Kelly retire after this, never perform again, or just strike him dead as soon as the film wrapped production. However, none of these events happened.
Clearly, God forgave Gene Kelly for Xanadu. True, Kelly would not make any more major motion pictures, but he would appear on television: The Love Boat; and two mini-series: North and South and Sins (for those of you keeping score at home). This, I believe, proves that God is a kind, benevolent spiritual being. Otherwise, Xanadu would have been his last work, and when Kelly appeared at the Pearly Gates hoping to gain admittance solely on the reputation of his heavenly feet, he may very well have had the clouds pulled out from under him so that he fell long and hard to a deep, deep, hot place that is extremely south of Pittsburgh.
On the other hand, Olivia Newton-John’s experiences with Xanadu may punch holes in my thesis. She passed up a role in Can’t Stop The Music (featuring the Village People) to star in Xanadu, and reportedly fractured her coccyx while filming one dance sequence. Xanadu was suppose to be her big break into movie musical superstardom; its failure sent her back to toiling on the music charts. Okay, so maybe occasionally God is not as forgiving as I like to believe.
So, to sum up these concepts, let’s agree on these three things: God, good; Gene Kelly, heavenly; Xanadu…don’t go there. Sorry, Janey!
(Thank you for reading. Happy Belated Birthday Mr. Kelly, wherever you are!)
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Sorry if I'm a little late to the Todd Akin pile-on party, but there was a mad rush away from him as I came in. I wasn’t surprised that so many were running away from him and his comments about legitimate rape, but I am so surprised that I was nearly run over by a stampede of Republican elephants.
And there are some big name elephants in the stampede: Romney, Rove, McConnell, Brown, Christie! It is just amazing! I’ll get back to them later, but, for the time being, let’s pile on the soon-to-be-ex-Congressman from Missouri.
For anyone who may have missed his comments (and, by the way, welcome back to reality, both of you), Akin was asked about his opposition to abortion in cases of rape during an interview on the Fox News affiliate in St Louis. The GOP Senate candidate explained that, from his understanding, pregnancy from rape is really rare. Unfortunately, he didn’t stop there. He continued, and in the words of Olsen and Johnson, “Now the trouble begins.”
Akin: If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. He did go on to explain that sometimes this doesn’t work and ultimately the rapist is the one who should be punished. However, in the spirit of parsed down sound bites (like “I like to fire people” and “You didn’t build that”), we’re cutting it off at the end of the first sentence!
This is not the first time that a Republican legislator at the state level has put forward this outrageous thesis. Pennsylvanians may remember, perhaps not too fondly, Stephen Freind, a representative from Delaware County who pushed an extremely restrictive abortion measure in 1988. At that time, Freind argued that it was nearly impossible to get pregnant from a rape because the experience causes a woman to “secrete a certain secretion” which tends to kill sperm. If memory serves me correctly, Freind cited the findings from medical experiments performed by the Nazis during World War Two as the source of his factoid. Shortly after Freind made his statement, members of the medical profession proclaimed his idea as “scientifically baseless”.
Fast forward a full generation, and we see Freind’s beliefs are alive and well in the bosom of the GOP. I can only imagine how Akin believes the woman is able to shut the whole thing down. Please explain this, Mr. Akin. Do you actually believe that the ovum, seeing three million sperm swimming towards it, puts up a huge stop sign and explains (perhaps with a very tiny bullhorn), “Hold it right there guys! I need to know if you were welcomed in here willingly, or if you forced your way in. Because if you forced your way in, I’m just gonna have to shut you down now!” Talk about putting the brakes on illegal immigration!
Reeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyy, Mr. Akin? Is this how it is suppose to work?
His opponent in the Senate race, who as luck would have it is a woman, pounced on Akin's comment. Since then, many politicians and pundits, and to their credit more than a few of them Republicans, have called for Akin to withdraw from the race. Even Romney/Ryan expressed their shock and called Aiken’s remarks “inexcusable”.
Reeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyy, Romney/Ryan? How can Akin's choice of semantics be any more inexcusable than the legislative actions you have supported over the years?
Hey Ryan, what about your bill to prohibit public funding for abortion, but since the law already banned public funding for abortion except in cases of rape, your proposal would actually shut off funds for rape as well? Or about your own attempt to reframe the definition of rape in the Republican anti-choice paradigm: a federal act which would recognize the personhood of the fetus at the time of conception? This latter attempt shows that it is indeed a small world after all: Todd Akin co-sponsored this legislation. Romney, to his credit, denounced Akin’s comments, yet the GOP is preparing a plank for their party platform calling for a federal ban on abortion without giving exceptions for rape or incest.
Reeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyy, GOP? Do you really want to pursue this idea after this debacle?
As of today, Akin has apologized, but refuses to quit the race. I have mixed feelings about his quitting the race: if he stays in, it will be an easy victory for the Democratic incumbent, Claire McCaskill. On the other hand, Akin is clearly too legitimately stupid to hold any kind of public office ever again. If nothing else, I hope considers changing his name; his remarks have embarrassed “Todds” everywhere!
Perhaps he could change his name to something more appropriate for his current crisis. Something along the lines of “Richard”. That way, we can refer to him as “Dick”. Oh wait, many women have probably already renamed him that in the last 48 hours. Never mind…
(Thank you for reading. Somewhere, Stephen Freind is weeping…tears of joy!)
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Welcome, Paul Ryan! (Graciously!)
Come on in, Mr. Ryan! Let me give you a tour of the blog which will savage, I mean celebrate, you during the next three months.
Well, this is it! I admit it’s not much to look at. I don’t offer videos or music, but just good old-fashioned Yankee rhetoric! Oh, I know, you may have heard that our product is not so much Yankee as neo-liberal, and not so much rhetoric as obsessive hyperbole, but we call it home!
Well, I guess you know we’re big fans of the President here. Surely you knew that as soon as you saw the Hope decal on our back door. I know the economy hasn’t quite turned out like we and the President had hoped it would by now, but we still have faith in him. Sometimes it just takes a little longer for faith to be rewarded, but I don’t have to tell you that, being a devout Roman Catholic and all that.
Oh, what’s that under your arm? A copy of Atlas Shrugged…for me? Aw, thank you. I will accept your gift graciously and cherish it always! Will you excuse me for a moment, while I whisper a witty, neo-liberal aside to my wife? Thanks.
(Here, dear. Put this book in the box marked: Donations: Impact Thrift Store. You don’t have to handle it like that…it’s not radioactive. Please just put it in the box…graciously!)
Oh, where were we? Well, this is the kitchen where my editor and I nourish ourselves and our cats, Meredith and Nyla. Then, over here, just off the kitchen, we have the Rush Limbaugh Room. I know you’re surprised that we would have a space devoted to the most conservative of talk show hosts, and hostile opponent to liberals everywhere, but there you are! Feel free to use the room, just don’t forget to flush.
Here’s our Gaffe Closet. We used to be able to keep all of the gaffes performed on the campaign trail in a printer paper box, but this year the gaffes overflowed. We only use them in emergencies. If we’re stuck for a blog entry, we’ll pull one out of the closet and breathe new life into it. Oh, by the way, feel free to contribute to our closet at any time.
Here’s the living room; this is where the magic happens! I do my blog over here in the back, while my wife creates her own blog on her laptop. What? Her blog is called From My Brain to My Mouth. In fact, you can hear her blog from here! It does sound like they are having fun over there, doesn’t it? What? You want to join them? Oh, I don’t know if you should. Honestly, I think you may cramp their style. Trust me!
So, you’ve seen the sights of my blog. Now let’s get down to business! Any skeletons in your closet? Any questionable deductions on your tax returns? Any donations from people like, oh, let’s say, Adolf Hitler?
Any family pets? Any embarrassing stories about your family pets? Any embarrassing family pet stories like Romney’s “dog on the car roof” that may not play well in the swing states? Hmmm?
Come on, you can tell us! We’re all friends here! Anyway, we’ll find these stories sooner or later. Hell, half the fun is in tracking them down!
Seriously, Arteejee is all for tolerance of other people’s viewpoints, as long as you respect our viewpoints too! Well, in theory any way. In practice, well, let’s admit that sometimes our emotions overcome our good intentions, and everybody goes nasty on everyone else. Sure, it’s interesting and makes good copy in the media, but really, does it ever get us any closer to resolving our problems?
What I’m getting at is the idea of compromise in government. You know, that virtue which enables all of us with some modicum of intelligence to see something positive in the other person’s point of view? Then we agree that the positive is enough to make us soften our own views, then offer to give in just a bit if the other side gives in just a bit.
Then we progress, and no one should feel like they caved in completely. Still, there should be some sense of satisfaction on both ends, knowing that everyone worked together to solve a problem. I know this is a new concept to you and the others in Congress; and when I say others in Congress, I am talking about both sides of the aisle.
Oh, you have to go? Sorry to see you leave so soon. Oh, you have more campaign stops to make? More opportunities to trash Obama? That’s nice! Good luck with that! Buh-bye!
(Okay, dear, you can come out now. The big, bad conservative is gone.)
Well, now that he’s gone, I can go back to my blog entry. Let’s see what we have so far. Hmmm...a few witty asides…a free plug for my wife’s blog…a cheap shot involving Romney’s dog…a plea for tolerance and compromise…hmm, this one is looking a little thin. I guess I better raid the gaffe closet!
(Thank you for reading. Remember that a little TLC – tolerance loving compromise - never hurt anyone!)
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Two Blog House
Congratulations are in order at chez Gunther! Last Saturday morning, my wife gave birth…to a blog! It all happened without complications; mother and blog are doing fine.
We are now a household comprising two adults, two cats, two blogs and several hundred books, DVDs, CDs, and shot glasses. It will take a lot to support the new blog, so please give generously.
Anne Marie has named it From My Brain to My Mouth. I’ve looked in and so far it is a collection of free association thoughts in keeping with my wife’s interests and philosophies. So far she has given her readers 100 facts about her life, a pound cake recipe, random thoughts about songs which have influenced her and a couple of music videos. All-in-all she has given the world a very entertaining outpost on the Internet.
The blog actually came into existence through the persistent begging, cajoling, or holding-their-breaths-until-they-turn-blue persuasion tactics by other bloggers who were amused at Anne Marie’s contributions to their writings over the years. My wife resisted all of their pleadings for years. For a long time, she was content to just comment on their blogs — many times in language that would make a sailor blush — and serve as the senior editor for arteejee. She finally broke down last week, and has been the toast of her loyal blogger friends ever since.
I can’t prove this for certain, but I would not be surprised if her blog fans conspired amongst themselves to make her an offer she couldn’t refuse. It wouldn’t surprise me if indeed they threatened to kidnap her, tie her down, prop her eyelids open and force her to watch “Xanadu” until she agreed to write in the blogisphere. Fortunately, they did not have to resort to this torture tactic.
Of course, I had to go find out what all of the excitement was about. In the process, I was reminded of many things that I’ve discovered over the years. I also served as a spoil sport when I found an error in one of her entries.
One of her posts detailed her favorite songs of all time. For her favorite love song, she chose Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore, but she attributed it to Cheap Trick. I reminded her that it was actually recorded by REO Speedwagon. A quick fact check on Wikipedia confirmed her error, and before I could say Paul Ryan she had corrected her mistake.
She told me that she always gets Cheap Trick and REO Speedwagon mixed up. Huh? REO Speedwagon is a rather non-descript looking group of power balladeers that musically — in my imagination — were a precursor to the big hair bands of the late 1980’s. On the other hand, Cheap Trick had some definite differences.
True, they were equally adept in the power balled department, but they had some unique visual characteristics not shared by REO. For one thing, their drummer was named Bun E. Okay, how many drummers are known by a name that is a pun for a small furry animal? Not many!
Also, in their heyday, Cheap Trick’s lead guitarist Rick Nielsen had a striking resemblance to Huntz Hall. Now I ask you, how can one get these two bands confused with each other. How many members of REO resembled child actors from the 1930’s? Not many; in fact, it’s more like zero!
I shouldn’t be surprised at the number of commentators she has accumulated already. After all, they are only repaying the favor of their thoughts on her blog, as she has done to their blogs. Still, I can’t help noticing that she has had more comments in her first week then I had in my first year. Not that I’m jealous.
Comparisons of our two blogs would be an apples to oranges proposition. Anne Marie’s blog is an entertaining assortment of short, sound-bite length pearls of wisdom albeit seasoned with salty words, coupled with the occasional music video and all of the other technical bells and whistles which the blogisphere has to offer. While my blog is a series of witty (I hope), but more often cranky commentaries on conservatives and Republicans, but with no bells or whistles.
See? It is apples to oranges! Or Cheap Trick to REO Speedwagon, if you prefer! Okay, maybe I’m a tad jealous!
In any event, please partake of both of our blogs. Either way, you should be entertained.
(Thank you for reading. If you have to ask who Huntz Hall was, then you just won’t understand.)
Saturday, August 04, 2012
Sarah Explains It All (Again), or Chick-Fil-A-Tio
Chick-Fil-A-Hole CEO Dan Cathy’s reiteration of his personal stance on gay marriage has touched off a debate about his rights guaranteed by the First Amendment. Pundits and commentators on both sides have weighed in on his statement, part of a backlash that resulted in simultaneous calls to boycott and rallies of support for the fried food eatery. Even the All-Wise Oracle of Wasilla, Sarah Palin, has chimed in on the debate.
On a Fox News (where else) interview, Palin denounced the boycott as an assault on the First Amendment. She even went as far as to say that Cathy was being crucified for his statements. Crucified? Really? As in, nailing him to a cross crucified? My question now is: why wasn’t I invited?
So let me get this straight, Sarah. When a Christian evangelical voices his opinion about same sex marriage, he is using his First Amendment rights? No problem; actually, everyone on both sides agrees he had the right to do that. Oh, but if people who disagree with his viewpoint raise their voices in objection that it’s really a civil rights issue, then it’s an assault on the First Amendment? Gee, thank you very much, Ms. Half-Governor Palin! I guess I was confused before, but you’ve really cleared it up for me now!
First of all, we should acknowledge that the application of the First Amendment has been broadened in recent decades. It has progressed far beyond the quaint Norman Rockwell painting (Freedom of Speech) depicting a man standing up in the middle of a meeting and speaking to (presumably) authority figures who are outside the frame of the painting. It has grown beyond citizens writing letters to the editor of the local newspaper without fear of government retribution (i.e., firing squad or deportation to a concentration camp). It is now expressed in people sending money to causes they believe to be right. It is, and always has been, for that matter, shown in public meetings where citizens can demonstrate their views with marches, placards with sound-bite size slogans, and rallies.
So, yes, Dan Cathy as a private citizen was within his rights to express his views; it is guaranteed by the First Amendment. And yes, those who disagree with him are also using their First Amendment rights when they (I should say we) pledged never to set foot inside Cathy’s restaurant ever again. The mayors of Chicago and Boston pledged that Chick-Fil-A would never set foot inside their city limits; as private citizens, they used their First Amendment rights when they made their statements. However, as Jon Stewart observed, the mayors’ views play right into the hands of right wingers who argue that the government is overreaching their authority. Still, it was a stretch for the Divine Sarah to say that Cathy’s First Amendment rights were being assaulted.
Funny, I don’t remember hearing any reports that any homosexuals snuck up behind Cathy and tried to muzzle him as he made these statements. Where is the assault, Sarah? Actually, if you paid attention to Cathy’s opponents, you would hear that they don’t object to his expression of his views, but rather how he backs up his opposition to same sex marriage by sending Chick-Fil-A profits to anti-gay groups.
This is what the Chick-Fil-A-Tio opponents are raising hell about. These supposedly evangelical Christian organizations that are benefiting from Cathy’s contributions for being anti-gay marriage are perceived as fostering a hostile culture toward the gay community. How hostile? Mike Huckabee’s Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day resulted in one account of how a Chick-Fil-A customer complimented one of the chain’s employees by saying, “I’m glad you don’t support the queers, I can eat in peace.” Ironically, the employee is gay.
Oh right, that Christian has the First Amendment right to use the word “queer” as a derogatory slur, even though his use of the word should not be considered — in my humble estimation — as being very Christian-like. The hostility has also progressed to acts of violence. How violent? How about a Nebraska woman being attacked in her home by three masked men who proceeded to carve homophobic slurs on her body? Yes, carve, as one would do to slice open a piece of meat such as, oh, a piece of fried chicken. It’s incidents like this that have raised red flags in the gay community, and should by all rights raise red flags everywhere.
So while Huckabee and Palin decry how the poor Christian evangelicals are being picked on, maybe they should reexamine how some members of the Christian evangelical community act in a very un-Christian manner towards homosexuals. Seriously, would it kill Pat Robertson or some other evangelical leader to come forward — in the spirit of true Christianity — and denounce the violence against the gay community? It’s this kind of behavior that has turned me off the idea of organized religion!
So, in the interest of First Amendment rights, I will suggest to the world at large that if you agree with Cathy, then by all means gorge yourselves on his fried chicken until your cholesterol choked arteries literally make your bodies explode. If you disagree with Cathy, then boycott if you must, kiss your partner at his restaurant if you will, or do something more constructive: make a donation in Dan Cathy’s name to the pro-gay-marriage or pro-gay-anything organization of your choice. Your money will be spent on a cause you believe in and there’s not a damn thing Dan Cathy can do about it. (Anne Marie has already made a donation to the Fan Free Clinic.) Remember, this is YOUR First Amendment rights that all those right wing chicken eaters plunked down their hard money and sacrificed their overall digestive health for.
As for our other players in this drama, I should point out that, although the mayors of Chicago and Boston had the best of intentions, their anti-Cathy statements may be seen as just a ploy to gain political points with the gay community. Also, there’s no guarantee that succeeding administrations in their respective cities won’t reverse their policy and embrace the “eat mor chikin” cows with open arms. As for the divine Ms. Sarah, we on the liberal side of life will ultimately forgive her latest transgression.
As Russell Brand pointed out so non-eloquently a few weeks ago, we tend to overlook Sarah Palin’s statements because so many of us are, oh how can I put this delicately, so entranced with her charms. In fact, we are so entranced (according to Brand) that many us want to have — and again, I’m going for delicate speak here — carnal knowledge of her. In that spirit, and in keeping with our chicken meat theme, I will exercise my First Amendment rights to compliment Sarah on one of her “charms”. I must say, Sarah Palin, that you have a fine set of drumsticks!
(Thank you for reading! Remember arteejee.blogspot.com: assaulting/affronting/taking full advantage of the First Amendment since 2006! WOO HOO!)
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
Easy Target (Too Easy)
Just so new readers to my blog won’t get the wrong idea about my satirical musings, I will endeavor to discuss another topic today. This will be a challenge to write about something other than you-know-who-wants to-be-president-even-as-he-travels-the-globe-and-manages-to-offend-every-culture-ever-created. I must rise to this challenge; either that, or I rename my blog “Mitt Romney Is An Idiot”.
So, today I am getting misty-eyed at the thought that two Phillies players will from this day forward play for other teams. Farewell, Shane Victorino! Your reputation as The Flyin’ Hawaiian was truly well earned! We will always remember your total commitment to your teammates, even as you ran into the outfield wall at high speed to catch a ball, and while doing so, on at least one occasion, pushed your nose to the back of your skull. You really knew how to give 100% to the team. In conclusion, let me just say, “WAAAAAHHHH!”
M-m-m-m-i-i-i-i-t-t-t-t-t…no, no, I must resist the easy target that the presumptive Republican nominee is setting up. It just is not right to continually harp on the man’s shortcomings. After all, the Obama campaign is already doing a wonderful job of that on its own. I should probably let them have all this fun to themselves.
Philadelphia baseball fans also said goodbye to Hunter Pence, who started out strong with us, but lately became inconsistent and error prone. Pence, surprised that he was traded to San Francisco, nonetheless graciously thanked Phillies fans for the time he spent here. Sir, I salute you….
No, forget it! I’m only fooling myself! I can’t last another sentence! Why should the Obama campaign have all the fun?
Romney’s foreign policy tour started in the United Kingdom, made a brief stop in Israel, and limped to its conclusion in Poland. Throughout it all, Romney appeared less like an American politician eager to show off his diplomatic skills, but rather more like Rufus T. Firefly! Yes, Rufus T. Firefly, the name of Groucho Marx’s character in the classic comedy Duck Soup. The only problem is that Firefly set out to intentionally start a war by insulting other world leaders with words like “upstart”. Romney, on the other hand, should not be out gallivanting around the globe trying to set off international conflict. World diplomacy is no laughing matter! And besides, even if were funny, it should be left to the professionals, like the Marx Brothers, or perhaps Wheeler and Woolsey.
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, MITT ROMNEY?
It was one thing to talk condescendingly to the British and make their legendary (perhaps stereotypical) stiff upper lips quiver with rage. Then you went to Israel and, in the course of schmoozing with wealthy Jewish donors, stated that economic success was based on culture, and therein implied that the Palestinians didn’t have what it takes to be financially successful. Naturally, Palestinian leaders read your economic pronouncements as racist.
I knew Romney had tripped again when I saw the headline in my paper: “Romney remarks rile Palestinians”. Now there are two words I never want to see used in a sentence together: “rile Palestinians”. Yet there they were, and I hope the occasion never arises when they are used together ever again.
DUDE, I REPEAT, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
Don’t you realize that the Palestinians have friends who are fond of walking into crowded areas with explosives strapped to their bodies, and then detonate said explosives when they are certain it will ensure a high casualty count? Also, don’t you realize that the suicide bombers have other friends who are fond of flying airlplanes, but strangely don’t know the difference between an airport runway and a skyscraper? Okay, do you see where I’m going with this?
I am surprised at you, Romney! I’m surprised, though I probably shouldn’t be, that you managed to publicly embarrass America while on a trip that was allegedly designed to establish your foreign policy creds. I’m also surprised - based on your other gaffes on the trip - that you didn’t open your remarks in Gdansk, Poland with a Polack joke!
YES, I WENT THERE! I SAID IT! AND I’M GLAD I DID! DO YOU HEAR ME, MITT? I’M GLAD I SAID IT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(EDITOR'S NOTE: We’ll stop this here. Mr. Gunther obviously needs a time out.)
(Thank you for reading! Seriously, thank you! I feel better now!)