A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thanksgiving 2014

It has not been a good week - again. No one believes justice has been served in Missouri, and Bill Cosby will just have to lay low for awhile (he should probably contemplate hibernating for the winter), but it is ending in a nice way with two days away and a chance to get together with loved ones.

So thank you for the job, the continuing opportunity to serve those in need of our assistance.

Thank you for the house we live in, and thanks to the three cats who graciously allow us to live with them.

Thank you for the chance to get away, relax, eat, drink, and eat some more.

Thank you for the person who chose to share her life with me much more graciously than the cats.

And, in the words of the late Percy Kilbride who bowed his head over a bountiful feast in The Egg and I: “Much obliged, lord!”*

*I could not find a clip of this scene on YouTube, otherwise that would be here in this spot!


(And, oh yes, thank you for reading!)

Monday, November 17, 2014

President Obama Governing Here and Abroad

It’s been just over a week since the mid-term Democrat disaster at the polls. At first, then heir-apparent House Majority leader Mitch McConnell held out some semblance of an olive branch to President Obama to work with him. All the president had to do was not wave a red flag in front of the bull.

Within a day, President Obama flexed the muscles of the Executive branch and vowed/threatened to move ahead with an executive order on immigration reform. Red flag waved! The 2014 era of Good Feeling lasted exactly one day! 

Ever since then, the GOP has reverted back to 2013 governing mode, i.e., not governing at all. Nothing is off the table: short term funding resolutions, holding their breaths until they turn blue, and, of course, the classic government shutdown. Oh wait, something is off the table: political compromise.

Hey American voters, your order of government gridlock is nearly ready. Oh, do you want fries with that?

Given that hostile environment, Obama did what any other rational adult would do: he left town. Hell, he left the country. Okay, so this trip to Asia was carefully planned months ahead of the mid-terms. Even with the good intentions of the trip - improve trading relations, agree to climate change policies, and scope out the best dim sum in Beijing - Obama still caught hell.

Reportedly, the Chinese media criticized Obama for chewing gum while he met with the Chinese leadership. Writing in The People’s New Republic, Duc Low Limbaugh sniffed, “The imperialist Yankee insisted on chewing his American gum like a cow in the presence of the people’s great leader! How can we expect anything better from a third rate power?” To be fair, the American media reported that Obama was chewing Nicorette gum. It’s nice to hear that, if true, the President is trying to quit smoking. Unfortunately, this fact is not enough to boost his approval ratings at home.

The President may have gotten better press coverage if he had posed himself in a state of semi-undress, and balanced a champagne bottle on his backside. Sure, it would be unbecoming for a world leader, but the Chinese would have stood up and took notice. In any event, I dare you to get THAT image out of your head!

So what did we learn from last week’s events? We learned that no matter what Obama does, he can’t win for losing. We also learned that Mother Nature has blessed Kim Kardashian with such a huge derriere that the next world poker championship will be played on it. Sadly, the American public paid more attention to the latter than to the former.

(Thank you for reading. For the record, Duc Low Limbaugh offered no opinion on Kim Kardashian’s backside.)

Thursday, November 06, 2014

The White House Lunch

So the polls were right and Republicans had big gains all over. We shouldn’t have been surprised by the results. There were many disappointments, but happily here in Pennsylvania the polls were correct on the gubernatorial race. Here we’re saying “Bye Tom (Corbett) and Hello Tom (Wolf).”

In Washington, the President’s job just got a lot harder: Republicans now control both houses of Congress. The new Congress with its new leadership won’t officially convene until January. In the meantime, the President and Congressional leaders will have a chance to get acquainted over a White House lunch.

Oh to be a fly on that wall…

Obama: Welcome everyone! We are very happy that you have graciously accepted our cordial invitation to dine with us. Please help yourself to the chilled fruit cocktail and the cold picnic shoulder sandwiches.

Ted Cruz: Thank you, Mr. President. I’m a little surprised at the offerings. I was half expecting watermelon and fried chicken!

(Audible gasp from the other attendees.)

Obama: Ha, ha! Very good, Ted. No, we wanted to serve something quick to give us more time to talk about our concerns. I know we have a lot to talk about and we have a lot of differences between us. Let me start the ball rolling by explaining that I feel we can accomplish more on issue one, compromise on issue two, and table issue three until both sides build a consensus. Yes, John?

John Boehner: Mr. President, that’s all well and good, but you’re forgetting problem A needs to be resolved, and problems B and C need to be voted on.

Cruz: Oh, the hell with all this genteel repartee! Let’s cut to the chase! Repeal Obamacare now!

(Audible hiss from some of the attendees.)

Obama: Really? How about an executive order on immigration reform?

(More hissing from the rest of the attendees.)

Mitch McConnell: We can’t back on you that, Mr. President. 

Cruz: Impeachment!

McConnell: Down, Ted, down!

Cruz: All right, I’ll calm down. Hey, Mr. President, is it true that you do a killer impression of Stepin Fetchit?

(Audible gasp.)

Obama: Ha, another good one, Ted. Let me answer you by taking my FDR Memorial veto pen and write an executive order revoking your American citizenship.

Cruz: WHAT?

Obama: In fact, I’ll add a little side note to the INS: send this cracker Canadian ass back to Ottawa.

(Turmoil roils the room. All at once, the windows blow open; a gust of wind brings forth a host of cherubs, singing and praising the entrance of…)

Cruz: Pope Francis!

Pope: Yes, hello all. Your President asked me to stop by in case things got a little rough. I can see that my presence is needed. As you may know, I recently attempted to welcome the gay community into my church. Okay, so we’re still ironing out those details, but maybe I can work my magic to bring you all together here. C’mon everyone! GROUP HUG!

All:   Arrgggggghhhhhhh!

(Thank you for reading. Tune in next time when Pope Francis will be heard to say: “Ted, are you going to eat your ice cream?”)

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

Nine (Lamest) Excuses Not to Vote Today

It’s too cold out!

(What do you expect? It’s November, which means it will be seasonably cold, but not as cold as it could get. That’s why we have winter! Now shaddap and put on a sweater.)

It’s too hot out!

(No, it’s not, it’s November. See above.)

It’s damp and raining!

(Not here in southeastern Pennsylvania. Blue skies, sunshine and seasonably cold! We have no weather related issues today!)

It’s too sunny!

(You really are hopeless, aren’t you? So you’ll have to go inside for five minutes to achieve representational government nirvana! Close the curtain, pull the lever, then go outside and frolic in the nude for all I care. Oh, but put on a sweater. It’s seasonably cold, you know!)

The lines are too long!

(Oh, puleeeze!!!! True democracy can be inconvenient at times, but it beats dictatorships by a country mile! Hell, if I can forget my aching back for five minutes to stand in line, then you should be able to give up the few extra minutes to do your civic duty.)

It’s too Republican out there!

(Okay, now you may have a valid point. I know the constant waves of cynicism has worn us down, but our vote — no matter which way you vote — is a statement against the old world ways of politics as usual.)

It’s too Democrat out there!

(In the interest of being fair and balanced: okay I get the equal perception that all everyone wants to do is get a free hand out from the guvmint, and what better way to perpetuate our freeloading ways then to vote for the liberals who will give it all to us. Never mind that many people are on welfare simply because they believe that as human beings they are entitled to the opportunity to survive even as they perceive that the system has turned its back on them. Ah, but humanitarian efforts somehow do not fit into the conservative sound bites that those less fortunate are just taking advantage of the rest of us.)

I don’t feel like voting!

(Leave this country now and find a society that is more in tune with your “feelings.”)

There are so many people voting that my vote won’t make a difference!

(Okay, watch the musical 1776 and see how votes DO count. There, generations of Africans were doomed to enslavement because of a compromise that had to be worked out in colonial Philadelphia. John Adams wanted Thomas Jefferson’s words “all men are created equal” to include the enslaved individuals in the agricultural economy of the southern colonies. The south would not go along with it and vowed to vote against independence from England if the words weren’t stricken from the document. The compromise was done. This left William Daniels as Adams to utter the eloquent demand, “…you have your slavery, little good may it do you, now VOTE, damn you!”)

(Thank you for voting.)