A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Unlikely Scenarios for the Gasoline Price Crisis

The price of gasoline is now averaging $3.60 nationwide. Here in Southeastern Pennsylvania, it is hovering just below that average. Of course, that is as of today. The price has been rising on average once every other day. Sometimes it is up two cents a gallon, and other times it is eight cents a gallon. Either way, everyone agrees that the rising fuel costs are a pain in the ass.

Many of us are looking to Washington to do something about this, but little do they know that the US government has already done their part for gasoline prices. As you may recall, the Bush Administration invaded Iraq a few years ago. The Mideast has been a volatile part of the globe for centuries. We marched into Iraq and made that part of the world even more unstable. Please, no need to thank us! We’re just imperialistic Americans exercising our God given rights. Oil production was an iffy proposition before the invasion, and it became nearly impossible after the invasion. High oil prices? Honestly, what were people expecting?

Undaunted, the Bush Administration has revised its proposal to require American made cars to increase fuel efficiency. Detroit now has until 2015 to raise their miles per gallon average to 32. Once again, the Bushies are doing too little, too late. At the risk of sounding like a Monday morning quarterback, I would have preferred that he had proposed this idea a few days earlier then when he actually did. Specifically, I’m thinking he should’ve done it on January 21, 2001.

2015? Thanks, W! Given the current rise of gasoline prices (average $.10 per week), the price per gallon by 2015 should be (let’s see 364 weeks times $.10...carry the two...) approximately $43.86! Wow! I can hardly wait! Of course, by that time, most people will be working from home because they can’t afford to drive to a central location for a job. With no one buying gasoline, the oil companies will go belly up, and all those energy executives who smirked at Congress a few weeks ago will be unemployed! So there is an upside to this crisis after all! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

It all falls back on each of us to change our driving habits and conserve fuel. Millions of Americans could take their lead feet off the gas pedals and drive more responsibly. Right, like that’s going to happen!

Okay, how about this for an unlikely scenario: convince the other countries that are competing for the global oil supply to cut back on their demand. For example, we could go to China, which has recently discovered the joys of capitalism and newfound levels of affluence. We could send a delegation of Congress people (Republican naturally) to lecture the Chinese on the greatest evil of capitalism, namely, income taxes! Believe me, Chinese workers, you don’t have to pay these. Go back, go back I say, to your American owned sweatshops and earn pennies a week! Give up your big, American made automobiles, and dust off your copy of Mao’s little red book. Reacquaint yourself with the Chairman’s economic wisdom, before it’s too late.

Never mind! It’s already too late! As Eddie Cantor might have sang on the Zigfeld Follies stage, "How you going to keep them down on the commune after they’ve bought a grand latte at the Starbucks in Hong Kong?"

Another unlikely scenario: since American consumers are paying record gas prices and since these prices will never go back down, we should demand more service for the money we’re paying. Or, as they would say back in the old days, “more bang for the buck”. Beware: we are now entering double entendre territory.

As an example, years ago every gas station would have attendants who would emerge from the station and pump the gas, wash the windows, check the tire pressure and fluids for every car that came in. A return of these attendants would be a nice start, but I’m thinking bigger. I believe that, given the higher prices we’re paying, that the oil company executives themselves should come out to the stations and service each customer (insert Groucho Marx wagging eyebrows here). By service, I mean anything that would involve serious kneepad usage. I think the adults know what I’m talking about.

Who am I kidding? This will never happen. We, the American consumers, might as well get used to the idea of bending over and waiting to get stuck every time we go to the pumps.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Seven Hours

A recent study estimated that an average man adds seven hours of work per week to the workload of the average woman. I’m not going to say that this sounds like another ridiculous stereotype blanket thrown over the entire male gender. I won’t even speculate as to why Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopolous didn’t hold Barack Obama responsible for this finding. I will say that it’s about time the male gender got props for centuries of slovenly laziness.

This study demonstrates to me that all those billions of dirty socks and soiled underwear that we have left in our wake were not dropped in vain. We mustn’t forget the trillions of empty beer cans that were picked up or the ashtrays emptied over the years. Added together, along with all the times we go into hiding whenever our mates are looking for the trash to be taken out, and we can see that men are finally getting the recognition they deserve.

At the same time, this finding should be a red flag to all women who are unattached and looking for that special someone with whom to spend the rest of their lives. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with finding a special love that will last a lifetime, but sadly many women go into relationships with their expectations too high. First, you must consider the time factor. Many young women are career-minded professionals concerned with forging a way in the working world. This task alone can take anywhere from 40 to 60 hours per week, not including time spent traveling back and forth to the workplace.

Next, consider the time for sleeping – you’ll need at least 8 hours of beauty rest per night to perform well on the job. Then allow time for all of your other activities – exercise, personal hygiene, socializing with your girlfriends and/or hobbies. Add all these up and see if you have any time remaining each day to devote to the lazy slob, I mean man of your dreams. Remember that many members of the male gender are high maintenance and seven hours should be considered a minimum amount of time spent on their care and well being.

Of course, there are other things you may need to know when bringing your prospective mate home for the first time. One tip is to make sure you set his carrier down near the television and refrigerator (stocked full of beer of course) so that he knows where they are when he needs them, or needs to tell you by pointing and grunting at what he desires. However, that is a subject for another blog.

So, ladies, the next time you’re seated at a bar in a small college town, and looking over the available stock (who in turn are definitely looking you over) keep this study in mind. While you may only be thinking of the short term – a friend, a companion, or even “hooking up” for the night, bear in mind that the long term could mean an endless trail of dirty socks and empty beer cans. Also, one last warning about the handsome, chiseled hunks you may find at these bars.

You know the ones to which I’m referring to - posed in those fantasy calendars vacuuming a room, dusting furniture, or cooking while wearing an apron where their loincloth should be and smiling - these guys are fakes! Frauds, actors, and God only knows they may be gay! You may be better off with the computer nerd type with zero social skills, or the short squatty type (like moi) who developed skills in the kitchen because they couldn’t find a woman to do it for them...

EDITOR'S NOTE: We’re ending this entry here. Apparently Mr. Gunther still has issues about dating from 25 years ago that he needs to resolve. Next week in this space, we’ll make fun of Ben Stein and his school boy knickers.

Monday, April 21, 2008

McCain’s Sound Bite Solutions

While the Democratic candidates valiantly fight off the tabloid-minded media, the other candidate for President, John McCain, is actually talking about the issues. This does not bode well for the Democrats, who are continually trapped in the verbal minefields set out by the press. We should, in the interest of equal time, examine a few of McCain’s solutions to the issues that should be getting our attention in this election year.


McCain has proposed cutting the 18.4 cent federal tax on a gallon of gasoline for the upcoming summer months. He believes that this will give Americans a few more dollars in their wallets and there will be a trickle down effect. This idea was tried before when Bob Dole was running against the popular Bill Clinton in 1996. Dole needed a boost in the polls and the Republican-led Congress obliged by repealing the federal gas tax. The trick worked – for a while. Dole got his boost, but it died away before the general election happened four months later.

McCain has no such motive at the moment. He doesn’t know who he will be facing this November. In many ways McCain and Dole have led similar paths in their professional lives. If we suppose for one minute that this country is actually a corporation, then we could say that both McCain and Dole started out as lowly clerks in the mailroom. In actuality, they both served their country in the military. Then each one climbed up the “corporate ladder” (through the legislature) until the point where they could go nowhere else in the company but the top spot. In this respect Dole deserved to win in 1996, but due to Clinton’s popularity (the economy was very good, if you’ll recall), he lost the election. In a similar way, McCain probably deserves to be President also, but he is facing national fatigue with the GOP and its disastrous policies.

I’ve calculated how much McCain’s proposal would save me every two weeks when I fill my tank, and the savings indeed works out to a few bucks. Actually, my savings would be $2.21! Gee, what could I do with that? I could buy three-quarters of a cup of Starbucks coffee! Or, if this were 1970 and Jim Savage still had his candy store in Catawissa, I could buy Aurora’s scale model of the 1923 Dempsey-Firpo fight for $1.98, and still have a few cents left over for a chocolate nonpareil or two. Alas, it isn’t 1970 and $2.21 doesn’t go very far any more.

Also, I can’t help noticing the word “trickle down” in McCain’s proposal. I recall the last time this expression was used was during the Reagan administration. I don’t remember anything trickling down then, except for maybe a substance known as piss.


McCain has at one point stated (then backed off) his feeling that America will be a presence in Iraq for the next 100 years. Actually, this isn’t as bad as it sounds. After all, we have five years of the Iraq war behind us. That means we only have 95 more years to go! Isn’t it great that if we push a button in the voting booth for McCain that we’ll actually be determining the lives of future generations of Americans? Yes, a vote for John McCain will be tantamount to packing your children...and your children’s children...and your children’s children’s children off to fight the war on terror. Doesn’t that make you feel warm inside?


McCain has previously said that the federal government should not get involved in helping those Americans who borrowed over their heads and into foreclosure. I believe he has since proposed an idea to help, but his original statement isn’t going away anytime soon, not if I can help it. I haven’t seen or heard any sound bite from his camp about health care for all Americans, so I’m going to assume that he doesn’t have a solution for that issue either.

Somehow I get the feeling that he will solve both problems with a lump solution. Borrowing an idea attributed to the Eskimo culture, McCain may gather all the people with foreclosure problems and all the uninsured people with health problems together on an ice floe, and push it out to sea. Problem solved, and no one’s taxes are raised! The GOP base will especially like that last part.

Oh, wait! That solution does have the putrid tinge of fascism. Hmmm...we may have to rethink this one again.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Issues? What Issues?

A few nights ago, Democratic candidates Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton and Senator Barack Obama participated in their last debate before the Pennsylvania primary next week. Both proved they are eloquent, articulate communicators with grace under fire to spare. It also proves why these debates will never be green-lighted for a weekly series. I was hoping to hear something about their stand on major issues, but instead they were questioned regarding their recent verbal missteps, misspeakings and mishaps. I got bored after 40 minutes and switched on the Phillies, who were dealing with their own mishaps.

The criticism about the debate was widespread on the morning after: moderators Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopolous blew it! They dredged up the Bosnia story against Clinton and resurrected the bitter Pennsylvanians quote against Obama. I get the feeling from the calls into the show that many other people felt the same way.

Perhaps the wrong people were debating last night. Maybe we should put the moderators on the hot seat. For example, “Mr. Gibson, what questions will you ask the candidates about the war in Iraq and explain why?” Or, “Mr. Stephanopolous, do you feel people actually give a damn about what Obama’s preacher said when they’re getting robbed at the gas pumps?” I doubt that their answers would be any more enlightening than the tabloid questions they lobbed at the candidates, but the program would have been only half as long and everyone would’ve gone to bed earlier and gotten a good nights sleep.

Of course, the moderators justified their questions with recorded sound bites from various Pennsylvanians who I dare say were bitter and cranky. One asked Clinton about her Bosnia misspeaking. She explained that already! Wasn’t that good enough for you?

A woman asked Obama why doesn’t he wear an American flag pin on his lapel like firefighters and police officers do. Okay, babe, the last time I checked it was not a Constitutional requirement that people wear their patriotism on their sleeves. The day that it does become required will be the day that the United States stops being 21st Century America and starts being 1933 Nazi Germany!

Gibson and Stephanapolous had a golden opportunity to settle the experience question once and for all: “Candidates, have you ever ruled over a sovereign nation, country or state for any period of time? Oh, by the way, Senator Clinton, ruling by marriage doesn’t count.” Naturally both candidates would answer honestly, “No”, but they would’ve used a hundred words or so to say it.

Okay, so maybe the lesson here is that there are no issues at all worth discussing. We’re just a nation interested in what he said, and what she said after he said what he said. (That last line is in tribute to the comedy team of Clark and McCullough. If you don’t know who they were, then look them up in your Funk and Wagnalls, kids. If you don’t know what a Funk and Wagnells is, then...oh, let’s forget the whole thing.)

Apparently the media believe that nobody wants to know anything about the issues. Sure, the candidates have great, grandiose plans about getting us out of Iraq, or giving every American health care coverage, but many of us don’t really understand their solutions. Or, even if we do understand, then we know that once they do get to Washington, their plans will falter and they themselves will fall flat on their face when they hit the political brick wall known as Congress.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Chug It, Hillary! (Or Bitter Pennsylvanians)

One of Hillary Clinton’s campaign stops over the weekend became fodder for the morning television news outlets. She was shown enjoying a beer and shot of whiskey at a bar in Crown Point, Indiana. Supporters who egged her on surrounded her while she did her drinking late in the afternoon. One news commentator (who works for a network named after a small, furry forest resident) wondered aloud in what kind of shape would she be if she kept drinking until 3:00am when (presumably) the White House phone would ring with an emergency national crisis.

Oh, the scandal! A presidential candidate imbibing in alcohol! Oh, the shame!

What I have just done is create a controversy out of a non-event. If the media were not under pressure to sell ad time on their networks, or sell newspapers, then most likely the event would not have been noticed at all.

A similar media-created controversy happened when Sen. Barack Obama stated that residents of many small Pennsylvania towns were “bitter” and had “lost faith in their government.”

Hey, what can we say? Guilty as charged!

As one who was born in the big city (Philadelphia) and spent about one-third of my life in a small Pennsylvania town (Catawissa), I believe I can see both sides of Obama’s statement. Let’s take it one sentence at a time.

He was asked a question about why he wasn’t doing as well in Pennsylvania as in other areas. Obama started his response: “You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them."

True enough. When we moved there in 1970, Catawissa had a lumberyard, two clothing factories and a pipefitting manufacturer. Today, only the lumberyard remains. The jobs in the clothing factories moved out of the country, and most of the pipefitting operations were moved to Texas years ago.

Obama continued: “And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not.”

In actuality, Catawissa’s boom time ended before World War I when the railroad industry left. The same holds true for the nearby anthracite coal region just to the south and east of the town. Neither area has ever fully recovered economically from the bust.

Then the statement which has caused Obama the most grief, “And it’s not surprising then they get bitter...”

Okay, I’ll admit that perhaps not all of us in small town Pennsylvania are "bitter", but we’re not exactly shiny, happy people either!

“...they cling to guns or religion...”

True again; many rural Pennsylvanians do own guns and they take their right to own these guns very seriously. Many rural Pennsylvanians are also very devout in their religious practice. I dare say that many of these gun owners see their gun rights as their own religion. Just look at the cultural tradition. The first day of buck hunting is the first Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday. Many rural school districts treat it as another holiday that makes it a five-day weekend for students and teachers. If you want to see bitter Pennsylvanians just try to take that day, or their gun rights away.

The quote ended with: “[they cling to...] antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

Upstate rural Pennsylvania is a microcosm of the nation as a whole; there will be many small town Pennsylvanians who embrace other cultures just as there will be many people who are highly prejudiced. I have seen an increase in minorities settling in the area since 1970, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the entire native population has welcomed them with open arms. There have been several incidents of Klan activity in Catwissa’s history. The nearby city of Hazleton made international headlines last year when they attempted to pass their own anti-immigrant ordinance. The anti-trade sentiment to which Obama referred is rooted in the industry closings I mentioned above. If the people are bitter, then there is ample reason for it.

I really can’t see why people are offended at these statements, or as Clinton and McCain have suggested why we should be offended. However, Senator Clinton’s comments have me concerned about her suitability to lead this country. If she is able to perceive some offense over some honest comments made by a political opponent, then couldn’t she also imagine that some other country is threatening us (when they aren’t) and launch a pre-emptive attack a la George W. Bush?

Once again Barack Obama has spoken with a grain of truth, and once again he is called onto the carpet for it. Maybe the American people aren’t ready to face the truth. Too bad, since we can only solve our problems once we look them squarely and honestly in the eye. Truth can be funny sometimes; everybody wants it, but nobody wants to accept it.

Bottoms up, Hillary!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Charlton Heston

As we go through life, we must at one time or another make one conclusion: we are all human beings each with our own set of complexities. I use as an example a fictional television character, Archie Bunker. I have seldom agreed with his political and social views, yet I recognize that Archie is a man who loves his family and works hard to provide for them. This is the beauty of the character as played by the late Carroll O’Connor. There is much more to the man than what we can see on the surface. I have always been torn when it comes to Archie; I don’t know if I should punch him in his bigoted mouth, or give him a Father’s Day card.

I have similar views about Charlton Heston, who passed away last weekend after a lengthy battle with Alzheimer’s. He is being remembered as an actor who tackled larger than life roles in film. I admire his work in such movies as The Ten Commandments, Ben Hur, and Planet of the Apes. On the other hand, there is his life as a political activist, mainly in preserving the Second Amendment. Here I disagree with the hard-line, all-or-nothing stance he adopted when he headed the National Rifle Association. Yet this was only a small part of his long, complex life.

A handsome leading man with classic chiseled features, Heston came to prominence in The Greatest Show on Earth. Directed by Cecil B. DeMille – another Hollywood icon who I revere more for his work than his staunch Republican, redbaiting politics – the movie was just a teaser for DeMille’s next and last spectacular epic, The Ten Commandments. Here Heston took on the role of Moses, the adopted son of the Pharaoh’s daughter who throws away the pampered lifestyle of an Egyptian prince to return to his true roots — that of a Hebrew slave.

This altered life path enables him to become the leader of his people, and ultimately receive God’s law. The highlight of the film is his parting of the Red Sea so that he and his people can escape Egypt. DeMille used old fashioned, handcrafted animation utilizing ink, paint, and cels for this special effect, long before computers became the primary tools in today’s animation studio. Back then, CGI were just three capital letters placed together for no particular reason. In any event, DeMille’s efforts paid off; his second telling of The Ten Commandments earned an Oscar for Special Effects.

Heston’s next epic, Ben Hur, did not need special effects to tell “a tale of the Christ”. The sea battle and chariot racing scenes have become justly famous in their own right. The film was a huge success winning eleven Oscars – a record at that time – and Heston’s performance played a large part in the film's achieving iconic status.

A third Heston film that made an impression on me was Planet of the Apes. Here he used the line, “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty ape!” which became nearly as quotable as his “Let my people go” line from The Ten Commandments. Many of us remember this film today for its unforgettable, post-Earth apocalyptic ending. I’ve been unable to confirm the story that the director was able to coax the incredulous emotions out of Heston by telling him that the Second Amendment had just been repealed. Okay, I can’t confirm it, because I just made that story up. Don’t bother searching the web for it.

It was about this time that Heston’s views changed from liberal Democrat, who had marched along side Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., to a conservative Republican with his knuckles frozen around the barrel of a rifle. He headed the National Rifle Association in more recent years which led to one of his final big screen appearances - he played himself in Michael Moore’s documentary about America’s obsession with guns, Bowling for Columbine.

The scene itself took place in Heston’s own home. Moore prodded, cajoled, and finally demanded that Heston apologize for his extremist views on gun ownership. Heston, looking old and frail, refused and walked out of the scene. The man stood up for his principles to the very end, but it was still an ignominious finale to Heston’s larger than life screen career in American film.*

We’ll remember Charlton Heston for his many deeds, and attach many labels to his life. I’ve used several of them here – conservative, liberal, larger than life, and iconic – just in these few paragraphs to sum up his complex life. There’s one other label we can put on him: American. He’d probably like that one best of all.

*His final role was in an Italian production, My Father, Rua Alguem 5555 (2003).

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

There Will Be Greed

Time for another chapter of historical theory. If the recent congressional testimony by the American oil company executives was reported accurately in the media, then we can probably surmise that a recent meeting with their public relations consultant went something like this.

"Good morning, gentlemen. As you all know, my name is Dick Scroowem with Public Relations Disaster, Inc., and you’ve asked me to meet with you about your upcoming appearance before Congress. I realize that you are under a lot or pressure, again, to explain the obscene profits that your companies are raking in at the expense of the American consumer.

"Our past campaigns have sought to make the public understand that any profits you make are reinvested back into the industry. We’ve explained that you use this money to explore and find more sources of oil. We’ve also promoted your programs to make fuels cleaner for the environment. Last, but not least, there is your research and development of alternative fuel sources – ethanol, sun, wind, and so on.

"Unfortunately, the American public is not buying any of this. All they know is that every time they go to fill up at the pump, your greedy little fists are reaching further and further into their pockets. That’s why I’m proposing a new campaign for you to debut in your joint appearance before Congress. I’m calling it The Hell With It campaign!

"Remember when you testified in Congress years ago about rising fuel costs? You sat there and laughed at the members of the committee when they suggested that you do something about the price of gasoline! The news cameras caught it on tape and they flashed it across America on the evening news. That image, gentlemen, was a stroke of genius! It showed courage in the face of your harshest critics. It showed that you know what you’re doing and that they know nothing! I want you to expand on that idea as we start this new campaign.

"You’re not in the oil business to be liked! You’re in the oil business to make money today, and come back to make even more money tomorrow! The hell with what the consumer thinks! After all, this is capitalism in its finest hour. Don’t let anyone bother you about ethics or morals. You have a divine right to that wealth. Remember the end of There Will Be Blood, when Daniel Day-Lewis bashes out the brains of the Christian evangelist who demands more money for his flock? There’s your morals, gentlemen! Keep this in mind when they question you about your business.

"Now you have run a few suggestions past me and I’ll be very honest with you. The idea to moon the committee – while it is in keeping with our theme of contempt – would violate the decorum to which Congress is entitled. On the other hand, dancing in a conga line around the room while tossing $100 bills in the air is more acceptable. It will also make good footage on the evening news.

"Gentlemen, I can’t stress enough how vital this campaign is to your cause. You mustn’t back down! Take a lesson from those candy-ass wusses at Wal-Mart. They were pursuing that disabled woman who won a $500,000 settlement in her car accident case. Let me remind you that she signed a subrogation agreement. They had a right to get that money back, but they reversed themselves! They were worried about bad public relations, and that it might hurt their business. Oh, boo-hoo! How pathetic! I nearly puked when I heard the news!

"Stand together, gentlemen, and you’ll keep your tax breaks and your profits! Good luck and may greed be with you! Now, please excuse me, I’m late for a meeting with Absolut Vodka!”

Friday, April 04, 2008

Martin Luther King, Jr. – Forty Years On

It was 40 years ago tonight that my brother and I performed our usual evening routine of an after dinner bath. When we came downstairs in our pajamas, the television networks interrupted their usual evening fare with the news that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. had been assassinated in Memphis. We had never heard of him before this night, and although we wouldn’t realize it for some time to come, our world was changed forever.

Our street in Frankford remained quiet for the rest of the night, but beyond our street, America exploded. Race riots broke out in many major cities. Entire neighborhoods were looted and burned. One area of Washington DC, known as the H Street Corridor, was a victim of the racism that manifested itself that night. As of the early 1990’s, this area had still not fully recovered from the scars inflicted on it.

Racism is so many things. It’s a virus that afflicts both the victim and the oppressor. It’s only incurable if we want it to be.

It is the elephant that has been in America’s living room, even before the Founding Fathers gathered in Philadelphia to declare their freedom from an oppressive English king. It is rooted in the ethnocentrism that declares "our group is better than yours is". Countries, political organizations, even whole cultures and religions show signs of this root in their everyday practice. Personally, I have no use for ethnocentrism or its finished products.

Now 40 years later, Martin Luther King, Jr. is not remembered so much as a man, but rather as an icon of the civil rights movement. The label icon seems so impersonal: martyr would be a better description. Yet we shouldn’t dwell on this, but we should remember – as many will today – his words, his actions, and his legacy.

A new generation of leaders is actively pursuing his goals. Barack Obama, who is poised to get the nomination for President, gave an inspiring speech on race in America several weeks ago. It was intended in part to address concerns that he had not distanced himself from his preacher's racist rants, but this just shows that the road to meet King’s goals is long, winding, and tricky. Obama and his contemporaries will surely advance these goals one footstep at a time, but over a period of years the goals will be realized.

So, like my brother and I - naïve and unaware of the world and its problems when we stepped into our bathtub only to step out into a different world 40 years ago - we are all still learning the rudiments of world brotherhood. It is a long journey to the world that King foresaw. We have come far, and we still have a long way to go. We all need patience along the way: love, faith, and understanding are all works in progress.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Short Notes – April 2008


Inquiring minds of the media tracked down Socks - Chelsea’s cat when her father occupied the Oval Office - still alive and well at the age of 17. Socks, so named due to his white paws on an otherwise black body, still lives with Bill Clinton’s former secretary, Betty Currie, somewhere in Maryland. The former First Cat leads a low-key lifestyle now, and refused to comment on the rumor that he would switch his voting registration in order to vote for Barack Obama.


Okay, he didn’t actually say that, but if this were the New York Post, we would certainly be tempted to resurrect that old headline from 1975. Mc Cain’s response that the government shouldn’t bail out irresponsible homeowners was obviously directed at the Democratic presidential candidate’s call for more government aid in the matter. Clinton and Obama reason that since the Federal Reserve is offering aid to mortgage lenders, that the government should allocate a similar amount ($38 billion) to homeowners.

Honestly, what are these taxpayers thinking? The federal government takes a portion of their weekly pay and spends it frivolously on costly wars that nobody wanted. Are the taxpayers grateful? Hell, no! They expect the government to use the money to help them out when flood waters wash away their lives, bridges and highways collapse beneath them, and establish policies that will keep everyone in the country healthy. Now they want Washington to help them keep a roof over their heads? Incredible!


All right! Just what every full-blooded male lives for: breasts in the news! This incident has already sparked a civil lawsuit against the federal government. A lawyer for the plaintiff stated in a television interview that, as far as she knew, female breasts were not a lethal weapon.

Au contraire! Obviously this lawyer never saw “Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery”. That film showed women shooting bullets from their bosoms! Okay, right, that was a fictional work, but seriously, how far are we from creating this type of technology? After all, we can talk to someone over a great distance, type a message to him or her, and take a picture with a device no bigger than a credit card. If we can do this, then we certainly have the wherewithal to implant a pair of .38’s inside, pair of thirty-eights, if you know what I mean.