A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Friday, August 04, 2006

The Case Against Brett Myers

Today the case of Brett Myers is scheduled for a hearing in Boston. It was about six weeks ago that a public relations nightmare for the Phillies sprang up when he was arrested on domestic battery charges on the streets of Boston. The team did not immediately move to discipline him and did not move too quickly to denounce the domestic abuse. This response wasn’t good enough for various feminist groups and certain representatives of the media. They led the court of public opinion in pouncing on the team.

In the court of public opinion, Brett Myers is no longer a star pitcher in the major leagues, but a rotten, scum-of-the-earth dirt bag who probably sacrifices small, cuddly animals by moonlight. This court has never been known for mincing its words. I agree that Myers’ act was reprehensible, but I do have some issues with the public reaction to the incident.

First I should explain that I would never strike a woman - barring an incident of self-defense in which case my body would act on reflex. I would not do this on moral grounds since the woman has the traditional societal role of being the nurturing, care-giving side of humanity. I don’t buy the weaker sex argument; anyone who can withstand the rigors of childbirth should not be considered weak.

I don’t, as a rule, strike out at anyone physically for practical reasons. I am short of stature and I figure that 95% of the world’s population would beat the crap out of me if I picked a fight with them. As a male, I have studied the female figure for many years and I have concluded that, despite some anatomical and physiological differences, women possess the same tools to fight as men. They have arms like men, and they have hands like men, hands that can be balled into a fist to do damage to my body.

Would I ever strike my dear, sweet, wonderful spouse? Of course not! There are many reasons why it would be very foolish of me to do such a thing. Mainly because I consider her part of the 95% of the world’s population that could beat the crap out of me.

My complaint is against the various women’s groups and members of the media demanding that the Philadelphia Phillies do something about this abominable monster known as Brett Myers.

Now back to the court of public opinion. Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen of the court, why is Brett Myers not entitled to the presumption of innocence? It is that presumption that we would all want for ourselves if we were accused of a crime, but yet we seldom want to extend this presumption to our fellow citizens. Yes I will admit that the Boston authorities feel they have a strong case. I also know that witnesses have come forward with their accounts. Still, until the wheels of justice grind slowly to its verdict, we all have to be content with the belief in innocence and the judicial system. You, in the back! Put that rope down! There won’t be any hanging here, at least not today.

So until the full story comes out, and until the prosecution and defense toss their motions back and forth (this could go on for months), we will have to concentrate on other issues.

Such issues as: can the Phillies win against the Mets and Braves this coming week, or the escalating war in the Middle East, or what a great asshole Mel Gibson turned out to be. Domestic battery is a very serious problem, far too serious to leave its prosecution to amateurs.


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