DUI Rant

Okay, so you’re an A-list Hollywood celebrity and in normal circumstances you know exactly what to say in all situations. You know what to say because your agent tells you what to say, or the studio publicity machine tells you what to say, or the scriptwriter tells you what to say when the cameras are rolling. Then, one night, you’re caught doing something illegal and there is no script, no time to consult your agent, and the publicity department is closed for the night. Even worse, your improvisational skills fail you.

First thing you should remember not to do is go off on a racist rant in the faces of authority. This is particularly true in Hollywood which, as one film historian has theorized, was created as a haven from the anti-Semitism in the world. This behavior will put your career on the fast track to oblivion faster than you can say “Fatty Arbuckle”! Also, anti-Semitic rants have been done, in fact over done. If you don’t believe this see Hitler, Adolph, Mein Kampf.

Here now, as a public service, are some suggestions for the A-list driver who is bombed out of his/her gourd and is pulled over for DUI. First, let the police do their job, the breathalyzer, the walking test, and cooperate fully with them. Then, if you really feel that further explanation for the situation is warranted, try these talking points.

Try opening with a joke like, “Hey did you hear the one about Ann Coulter and Mel Gibson leaving a party at Babs' together?”

Or try some small talk like, “Damn, it’s hot out here! How are you guys coping?”

Or “I know a great little coffee shop around the corner. They’ve got donuts too! Wanna come?” If you think the donut line is too condescending, then by all means, don’t use it. Also, as a warning, do not ever finish this small talk with the words, “My treat!” This could be misconstrued as an attempt to bribe the nice officers to look the other way this time. This could result in another strike against you and it will mean more paper work for them.

Or, if you feel confident enough, try starting a conversation on current world events.

Always remember to avoid religion and politics; in other words, any talk about the Middle East is out of the question. Also avoid domestic politics. You may be in the liberal enclave called Hollywood, but there are conservatives surrounding the area from all sides. You never can tell the political leanings of the authority figures that have pulled you over by sight alone. A remark like “Hey, did you ever notice that the governor talks funny” could be the fatal faux pas in an already strained and embarrassing situation.

Or, best of all, just limit your conversation to short expressions like “Yes sir” “No sir” and “Thank you, officer.” This way the tabloids will have nothing to report and the gossipmongers will not have anything nasty to say about you. As an added bonus, you’ll still have a career when you wake up the next morning. I hope these suggestions help.

Good luck, watch what you drink, and drive safely!