Outting Ann

I see her long blonde hair waving wild and free with the wind in my deepest, most private thoughts. I close my eyes and imagine her long, long legs covered by just the tiniest hint of a mini-skirt. Then I can feel the sting of her spike heels walking over me as she tries her best to crush the naughty liberal tendencies out of my body.

Then Ann Coulter opens her mouth and ruins my fantasy!

I would’ve thought that after all the times she put her foot in her mouth she would be more careful about what she says. At the very least I would think that the pain of her spike heels piercing her uvula (that’s a small growth at the back of the throat for those of you thinking of something else) would have been enough incentive to keep her trap shut. But, no, Ann has struck again and she has targeted an old enemy of conservatives everywhere, Bill Clinton.

In several interviews over the last few weeks she outted Bill Clinton as a latent homosexual and called Al Gore a “total fag.” Come on, these guys aren’t even in power anymore and she’s picking on them again. I wonder what Democrat flew up her bony-assed butt to set her off now!

I am just as shocked as everyone else is. I mean, who could’ve realized that Clinton, with his mild reputation as a ladies man, was actually fooling around with Monica, Paula (Jones), and Kathleen (Willey) just to cover up his being a homosexual. I’ll bet it never occurred to the GOP Congress that he might be carrying on just to hide his true nature. You remember the GOP Congress? Those were the boys and girls who dragged the entire country through the absolute hell of impeachment proceedings against Clinton. Their entire case had to have been based on the assumptions that (a) Clinton lied about his affair with Monica Lewinsky, and here’s the clincher (b) that he preferred girls!

Now Ann Coulter comes along and blows (pun intended) the GOP assumption right out of the water.

Where was she with this news eight years ago? It could’ve saved the country a lot of heartache if she had come forward then. No, she had to keep quiet and not spill the beans until she had a book to sell.

This whole episode has got me thinking that if people with a certain set of behavior patterns or beliefs act exactly the opposite just to cover up their natural pattern, then what does this say about Ann Coulter. It can only say one thing. I believe that Ann Coulter is really...a liberal!

Yes, I believe that Ann favors huge government programs and the tax bills that are needed to pay for them. It probably pains her that the current administration has cut programs to the bone and beyond. This is why she lashes out at the “godless” liberals, because she longs to be with them, but she fears giving herself away.

She might be afraid that the liberal media would find out about that check she sent to the Re-Elect Hillary Clinton Senate campaign. Or that someone will find out that she likes Doonesbury.

Or that she fantasizes carrying on a civil conversation over a candle lit dinner with Al Franken.

Or perhaps trading fashion tips with Arianna Huffington at the next Democratic National Convention. Or that her deepest desire is to protest the war in Iraq on the Mall with thousands of other liberals. If any of this leaks out, her credibility as a conservative bulldog is shot!

If this is the case (and mind you this is all my personal theory), then all we can do is shake our heads and pity her. Poor Ann! She is suffering so much! All I can say is, by paraphrasing one of Clinton’s most famous quotes, I feel her pain.