A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Thursday, August 17, 2006

Say What, W?

It’s been nearly a month since I have noted anything about the President in my blog. It is my painful (yet devilishly pleasant) duty to report today that my cease-fire with him is over. The main reason is that he has struck the English language again, and I can’t let it pass without analyzing the situation.

On Tuesday, August 15 he is quoted as saying, “America is safer than it has been, yet it is not yet safe.”

What happened, W? Wasn’t Darth Karl available to proofread your remarks, or did you go way off script again? We haven’t had this much fun with politician ad-libs since Dan Quayle mangled the United Negro College Fund catch phrase, “A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Waste”. (Ahh, such wonderful memories!) Of course Danny Boy never made it to the Oval Office, which makes your command of the English language all the more frightening.

No matter. We’ll just say “Huh?” and try to decipher your message.

We brought in a team of language experts to do just that. Their reactions ranged from screaming, “What the hell is he talking about?” over and over, to laughing maniacally while banging their heads against the wall until their ears bled. In other words, the experts reactions were normal when you consider that the leader of the free world spoke these words.

My own guess is he was trying to say that America has made progress against the terrorists, but that we have not reached our goal. That goal, of course, is to keep Congress Republican. Still I have questions about how this will affect me personally.

I mean, should I build that underground bomb shelter in my backyard, W? Or should I go the Y2K route and stock up on provisions (Heinz ketchup of course), gas masks and jugs of water in my basement? And what exactly do you mean by safer? What are the numbers, W? Are we 50% safer, or 75%, or maybe just 62.5%? Should I relax, should I be vigilant, should I stay or should I go?

What exactly is your definition of “safe”? Is it safe for small children to cross the street? Can we go about our business without fear of having you listen to our phone conversations and examine our e-mails? Or is it safe as in murderous-sadistic-Nazi-dentist-types-to-come-out-of-hiding-and-examine-their-safe-deposit-boxes-without-fear-of-being-recognized-safe?

Once again, Mr. President, you’ve taken a very simple statement that should both encourage and warn the American people, but you end up confounding us. This is like all your ideas – Social Security reform, or the Medicare drug program to name just two – in that you trumpet your ideas with much fanfare, poo-poo the details, and then you wonder why we have more questions about what you want to accomplish. I could go on and on with questions, but I don’t know if I should be more afraid of your actual answer, or that you would try to answer at all.


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