A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, October 31, 2008

Creating Intolerance for the Right Wing Out of Nothing At All

An incredible Internet posting from the Focus on the Family Action Group purports to give conservative Christians an idea what an Obama presidency will mean to America in the year 2012. In “Letter from 2012 in Obama’s America”, a Christian writes to tell us here today how Obama’s Supreme Court picks have influenced American policy. As you may have guessed, the letter predicts a liberal leaning Supreme Court once several justice retirements force Obama to replace them.

The letter states that gay marriage would exist in every state, and that the Boy Scouts would choose to disband rather than allow gay scout leaders to sleep with young boys on camping trips as mandated by the Supreme Court. Abortion rights would also become stronger in an Obama presidency. Actually, the letter portrays the new liberal leaning court as the main culprit and Obama as just a bystander who acts powerless against their decisions.

WTF??!! The posting doesn’t mention God or Jesus or any other religious icon that inspires conservative Christians to get them through these fictionalized times. It’s nothing but fear, fear, fear, and more fear. It appears to be a desperate attempt to create intolerance for the left wing out of nothing at all. Well, why should they have all the fun? We can do the same for the right wing conservatives!

Let’s make some daring, outlandish predictions of our own. We can start with the same premise that a right wing victory will determine the direction of the Supreme Court in the next generation. Therefore, we will propose that an extreme right wing Supreme Court will not only overturn Roe vs. Wade, but oversee a legislative environment where abortion is outlawed by an amendment to the Constitution. Women, it is no coincidence that I am posting this entry on Halloween. The outlawing of abortion — while done with sincere intentions — could result in more problems for the country than it is worth.

Let’s look at the lessons from Prohibition. Liquor was outlawed and the industry was driven underground, where it was taken over by the criminal element. There, money and control of the industry through violence became the dominant concerns. Quality control of the product? Aw, if a few of our customers die from our poison, so what? A few innocents die on the streets of America while we fight with our rivals for control of our market share? So what?

The same could happen to abortion. Women will die when the procedure is performed in less than ideal conditions by less than qualified individuals. Those who are willing to break one part of the law probably won’t have any qualms about committing murder to preserve their bottom line.

An extreme right wing government will also most likely erase the line between church and state, creating an environment where only evangelical Christianity is tolerated and other religions aren’t. Actually, this is not as far-fetched as it sounds. Check out Bruce Wilson’s article, “Sarah Palin Linked to Second ‘Witch Hunter’", on The Huffington Post, October 24, 2008. The article indirectly links the Republican vice presidential candidate to a religious cult composed of “spiritual warriors” who (it is feared) may resort to violence to cast out demons (i.e., Catholics, Jews, Muslims, etc.) from America. Even the Southern Poverty Law Center has raised red flags about this New Apostolic Reformation theology group, Joel’s Army.

These divisive, fear mongering tactics are exactly what Barack Obama has been railing against. It’s time to put the fear behind us, and allow the country to move on to more prosperous times. In the spirit of the season, let me conclude with one word: Boo!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Where’s Your Balls, Bud?

Poor Bud Selig!

I just thought I’d put those three words together because I know this blog is the only place in the known universe that those three words will appear together. Today, Bud Selig, the controversial commissioner of major league baseball, is the most hated man in the world. Particularly if you are a Philadelphia Phillies fan. He is not getting any sympathy from anyone in the world, except for, perhaps, Osama bin Laden.

Why the hatred? Because he allowed game five of the World Series to go beyond five innings in weather conditions that even George Washington would have found offensive when he camped at Valley Forge. Nay, even W.C. Fields had more favorable weather conditions when he filmed “The Fatal Glass of Beer”, and even he pronounced it “not a fit night out for man or beast.” In short, the weather at Citizens Bank Park last night was wet, cold, wet, windy, wet and unofficially described as “blech”!

It started out as a light rain before the first pitch was thrown. The rain drizzled off and on after the home team scored two runs in the first inning. Then, as the Tampa Bay Rays were consistently turned away from scoring, the rain gradually increased. The grounds crew was called out several times to put dry dirt down, in the hopes that this would improve conditions enough to finish all nine innings.

Unfortunately, it became evident in the fifth inning — about the time Jimmy Rollins lost a routine fly ball in the raindrops and the infield had become a sea of mud - that it was a lost cause. The powers to be finally called a suspension to the game only after the Rays had tied up the score, but before the stadium began to sink into the Delaware River.

Phillies fans, who believe the game should have been suspended after the fifth inning, smelled a rat. Who, we reasoned, would allow a game to go on when the weather reports were not favorable? As Selig later explained, it was a group decision among his office, other major league baseball officials, the umpire crew, and the management teams from both ball clubs. Okay, so their intentions may have been good, but many fans believe another force was at work.

Many Philadelphia fans believe that Selig only kept the game going long enough to appease the forces of God, aka Rupert Murdoch and the Fox Network. Granted, they paid for the rights to broadcast the games and make untold millions off the series. Also, granted, it would be in their best interest to see the series go to a full seven games and generate more ad revenue for them. However, they are not the only ones to be considered in this equation.

What about the players, Bud? They are out there endangering their health and well being by playing in these miserable conditions. Don’t they deserve your respect and due consideration when deciding to allow a game to go on?

What about the fans, Bud? The fans in the stands had to sit in this meteorological misery, pelted by raindrops, getting soaked to the skin, and whipped by winds. Did they really deserve this kind of treatment after all the money they paid for their seats?

What about the fans at home, Bud? They’ve had to stay up late to watch these games just so the Fox Network can get the most bang for their buck in prime time advertising dollars. They will lose sleep and their employers will lose precious productivity this week just because you couldn’t stand up to Fox and schedule games at major league baseball's convenience.

I’m sorry, but are you or are you not in charge of major league baseball? Where were your balls when you needed them the most? Aren’t you the number one guy, the one in charge, the one who has final say on matters involving the professional ball and glove?

Perhaps you should think long and hard on these matters the next time you have to decide to play a game or not. So far, you seem to have learned your lesson. As I write this, I hear that the game will not be resumed tonight, as the rain and cold temperatures are still present in the area. Finally, you’re getting your priorities straight.

In the meantime, don’t try to contact us baseball fans; we’re not speaking to you. I suggest you find a place to hide for a few days — perhaps a hole in the ground or a cave somewhere. You may want to look up Osama bin Laden. He probably understands your pain right now and might be looking for a roommate.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Can We Afford Caribou Barbie?

The McCain campaign has been embarrassed during the last few days over reports that the Republican National Committee doled out $150,000 to make Sarah Palin look good as she makes the rounds on the campaign trail. At the same time, other reports have noted that some of the expenses that she is charging to the state of Alaska are being investigated. Taken together, the reports raise another issue: can the American taxpayer afford this woman if she is elected vice president?

The news stories about her clothing purchases at such upscale retailers as Neiman-Marcus ($75,062), Saks Fifth Avenue ($49,425), and Bloomingdales ($5,102) don’t jibe with her down home image. Granted, I didn’t expect the woman to show up in jeans, even though that would have fit in with her “aw, gee, shucks” hockey mom demeanor. The RNC probably should have considered shopping for her clothes at, say, Wal-Mart, where the constituents to whom they are trying to appeal shop. This would have made the reports less troubling, and, for $150,000, they probably could have found her an entire wardrobe for the next four years at Wal-Mart! Clearly, the RNC doesn’t know how to shop for bargains.

The McCain campaign expressed surprise that, of all the things that could be reported, the media are focusing on Palin’s shopping bills. Note, the media are dredging this up, not the Obama campaign. I don’t understand their shock. After all, it’s not like they were focusing on the issues with all the noise about William Ayres, Reverend Wright, and ACORN they tossed in Obama’s direction.

Okay, I’ll acknowledge that there is a double standard at work here. After all, John McCain could show up at his town hall meetings in the same dark suit five days in a row and we wouldn’t notice the difference. However, let Caribou Barbie — a nickname for Palin from last week’s episode of Saturday Night Live — dress in the same pantsuit twice in the same day, and it would set off a fashion alert on the E! Network. I know it’s not fair, but this is the political world in which Palin is willing to work to get ahead.

I find the clothing stories amusing, but I am troubled about the precedent this so-called “reformer” has set in regards to her tenure as governor of Alaska. Apparently, there have been some questions raised as to the expenses Palin and her family have incurred while traveling on state business. The key words here are “and family”, as she has taken her three daughters with her on several trips — and charging their expenses back to the state — even though they themselves were not part of the business being conducted. One report described the luxuries to which the daughters were treated while Mom attended a governor’s conference here in Philadelphia.

My question is: if Palin does become vice-president - and in that capacity she will be obligated to travel abroad as a representative of the United States — will she expect to take her entire brood with her? Palin would have a nice little entourage behind her with two daughters (the oldest one should be married off by the time the next President takes office), the youngest son (surely you can’t expect mama to keep this special needs child behind with a nanny), perhaps a few nannies, and the Secret Service detail protecting all of them. This doesn’t include office assistants and legislative aids who would actually need to accompany Ms. Palin for the sake of government business. The bills for these trips will probably match the $700 billion bail out package about which everyone loves to complain.

Here’s a suggestion for you, Ms. Palin: a babysitter at home in Washington, DC. Leave the family behind and see them on the weekends. I know this is a horrible thought for any mother to entertain, but you are the one that wants the career outside the home. This is the same dilemma that working mothers have faced for generations: work to earn money to pay bills, or stay home with the children and not have the money for necessities.

It’s a matter of priorities that working moms have been wrestling with for years. It’s not easy to do this, but I’m sure the Secret Service would appreciate not having to deal with the logistics of three more people to watch over. Oh yes, we taxpayers would appreciate it too! We don’t need to hear that Congress is debating an emergency appropriations bill for the vice president to go to a sale at the Shops at Georgetown while we’re sweating out the next month’s mortgage payment. That would be pushing the “aw, gee, shucks” image to the boiling point. You would do well not to piss us off, Ms. Palin.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Lessons Learned from Television

I have had the opportunity to watch more television than I usually do during my recent hospitalization and at-home convalescence. My usual television watching habits consist mostly of the morning news and catching up with reruns of “Monk”. Otherwise, television for me is that vast wasteland that was foreseen as far back as 1960. Still, I have learned a few things about broadcasting during my recent reacquaintance with the medium.

For example, I learned that it is okay to wink your eye during a nationally televised political debate. This happened during the Sarah Palin - Joe Biden vice presidential debate, when Palin resorted to using her feminine wiles to charm the electorate. I couldn’t believe the use of this visual communication cue in this type of setting. I probably shouldn’t have been so surprised, given that this will be a ground-breaking election on several levels.

It’s too bad Al Gore didn’t think of this in 2000. Imagine him winking his eye while W. "ummed and ahhed” his way through one of his trademark convoluted responses. People watching the debate at home would have been astounded. They would have said, “My God! Al Gore just winked his eye! This proves that he is alive after all!”

It is also apparently okay to partially use a dead actor’s performance to sell a product. In this case, the client is DirecTV and their use of a scene from “Poltergeist” to sell the virtues of their product over old-fashioned cable television. The spot stars Craig T. Nelson, who played the father in the original film, and the voice of child actress Heather O’Rourke.

O’Rourke would have been about thirty-two years old if she were alive today. It’s true: I looked her up on the IMDB website and she is still dead. This means she can’t even wink her eye, let alone star in a television commercial.

The commercial takes place in the parents’ bedroom where a television is throwing off all sorts of fireworks from the spirit world. A little girl at the foot of the bed witnesses the light show and intones her famous line, “They’re here!” At this point, the father wakes up in bed and tells her that no, the spirits are not here, and the television is acting this way because he didn’t sign up for DirecTV.

There’s no mistaking Heather O’Rourke’s voice when she says “They’re here.” One Internet article believes a double was used to photograph the ad, but I should point out that the computer technology to physically lift the image of O’Rourke out of the “Poltergeist” film probably does exist. As an example, a couple of geeks were able to create an entire film sequence with two Hollywood icons that never crossed paths when they were alive: Marilyn Monroe and Humphrey Bogart. This happened a few years ago, so I’m sure the technology has advanced since then.

My point is the whole idea of using an actress who died way too young (at the age of 12) to sell a product is tacky. I’m sure any legal qualms were settled with a payment to her estate, but the ethical objections remain. The whole spot made me uncomfortable, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t have DirecTV either. Just in case, though, I’ll watch for any signs that my television set will become possessed.

Friday, October 17, 2008

How to Lose an Election in Twenty Days or Less

Is it my imagination, or has the presidential campaign trail gone weird all of a sudden? It’s not so strange on the Obama side of the campaign; there it’s business as usual, talking about the issues and ideas that people want to hear from the candidate. It’s a different story on the Republican side, where character driven rhetoric has veered away from the issues.

For example, in the course of the last month or so, the McCain campaign began to emphasize Obama’s past associations with various shady characters. The specters of Weather Underground William Ayres, Reverend Wright, and ACORN were dug up and brought back to life, just so they could be beaten to death in front of the voters. The Clinton campaign threw these issues at Obama during the primaries and it didn’t work. Obama won the nomination anyway.

I’ll repeat this point for the benefit of the GOP. The Clinton campaign threw these issues at Obama during the primaries and IT DIDN’T WORK! What in the name of Ronald Reagan makes you believe it will work now?

These campaign tactics have been tried and sometimes successful in past elections. The weird part happened when McCain expressed shock at the response he was receiving at his town hall meetings. After weeks of hearing from his own lips what an evil man Barack Obama is, the people attending his rallies began behaving in kind. McCain supporters began shouting back epithets like “off with his head” and generally acting like those villagers with the pitchforks and torches in the old Universal Pictures monster movies.

McCain suddenly realized that he had incited a mob mentality among his supporters. The straight-talking, rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth maverick had given way to a kindly, elderly gentleman who, sensing that the end of his life is approaching, adopts a more forgiving attitude towards people. In this scenario, the worst-of-enemies get lumped together with the best-of-friends as an individual gathers together the wisdom of his years and sees everything philosophically. It’s either that, or it could be the onset of senility combined with a lack of energy needed to take revenge on one’s enemies. This is also a possibility worth considering.

In McCain’s case, he actually grabbed the microphone away from one supporter expressing a dislike for Obama, and defended his opponent as a good man who happens to have fundamental differences on the issues than McCain himself. I have never seen an incident like this in American politics! It’s as if McCain suddenly saw the edge of the cliff and decided he didn’t want to fall over the side with the rest of the world.

Good for him, but it probably won’t help his campaign. His supporters must be baffled as to his sudden loss of spirit and aggressiveness. Actually, it seems like the entire Republican Party is having a change of heart about winning the White House this year. McCain has pulled out of Michigan, and today there are reports that the Republicans have written off Maine as well.

Of course, not everyone in the McCain campaign has had a change of heart, and here I am referring to the snarling, vicious rhetoric spewing from Sarah Palin’s lipsticked mouth. She is taking smears to new heights. Not only is she criticizing Obama’s past associations, but she is also questioning Michele Obama’s patriotism. News flash for Ms. Palin: MICHELE OBAMA IS NOT RUNNING FOR ANYTHING. HER HUSBAND IS THE CANDIDATE!

I doubt that this message will do much good. Sarah Palin is years away from having the philosophical epiphany of a wise elderly person. Hell, I doubt she has gone through menopause yet! Oh yeah, she’s going to be nasty long after the voters send her moose-hunting butt packing back to Wasilla.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Heart Fine, Part Two: The Drug Program

Anyone released from a hospital after a significant stay usually returns home with a short list of drugs that will aid in their continued recuperation. I am no exception to this unwritten rule. My day-to-day drug regimen of six pills is on temporary hold, and reduced to five pills. Of these, the simvastatin, toprol, and children’s aspirin are part of my everyday drug diet.

I feel sorry for the children’s aspirin because it has such an odd dosage: 81 mg. Most drug dosages come in increments of zero or five, but not one! If it wasn’t some type of man-made medication and had the human power of speech and emotion, it would certainly be within its right to loudly protest this slight. However, regardless of its personal feelings on this matter, the 81 mg has proven effective in keeping millions of us heart patients alive so that we can protest loudly whatever the hell we want to protest about.

I have lasix prescribed to me to combat the excess water weight I took on since my surgery. I think I gained something like eight pounds of water while in the hospital. This was according to the hospital scale, which I assume is far more sophisticated than the $19.95 scale I have in my upstairs hallway. This drug is a diuretic. In other words, I love it that it’s taking away my excess weight gain; I hate it because it makes me piss my brains out every ten minutes. Let’s just say I have limited my daily activities so that I’m no more than ten feet from the nearest commode at all times.

Of course, with all that water leaving my body, it could take some good stuff with it. In this case, the doctors prescribed a potassium pill to replenish that element in my system. I’ve examined the pills and wondered if (warning: Sigmund Freud-style double entendre ahead) I could get the same results by downing a banana. Coincidentally, the pill itself is about the size of your average banana. All-in-all, I’ll take the pill instead of the banana. I’ve never grown accustomed to the taste of a banana enough to eat more than two or three slices at a time, let alone a whole one.

One other pill which I didn’t include in the above list because it is taken on an “as needed” basis is the pain killer. Oh, wonderful pain killer! You help me sleep at night and ease the discomfort from the incisions in my chest. I could take steps to lessen the chance of pain by curtailing certain activities: coughing, sneezing, very deep breathing, and laughing. In other words, no “Robot Chicken” or old episodes of “Mystery Science Theatre 3000” in my immediate future.

The painkiller is a dangerous pill, and I’m not referring to its addictive qualities. It’s dangerous because of its hallucinatory nature. For example, I had a conversation with a hospital nurse about Terrell Owens. I gave the nurse the impression that I thought T.O. had a down to earth quality about him. T.O. down to earth? What was I thinking? Only once when the words left my mouth did I realize that I was thinking of Donovan McNabb, and not T.O. I actually confused these two men in my drug addled state! So apologies to that nurse and Donovan McNabb for my mistake.

The hallucinations have continued here at home. Yesterday, Anne Marie commented that I seemed mellow to everything in my life. I agreed, and it felt nice knowing that nothing bothered me. I even possessed an unconditional acceptance for the status quo. I caught myself thinking, “Hell, let’s change the Constitution so that W. can run for a few more terms. Woo-hooo!”

I ain’t doing that drug today, and I’ll make sure I don’t take it on Election Day either!

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Dirt Happens!

A little over three weeks to go in the 2008 presidential campaign and we have finally sighted mud! It’s been bound to happen, despite both sides promising to keep running their campaigns running on the up and up. It’s coming fast and furious and from both Republicans and Democrats. Everyone loathes it, the voters are turned off by it, but yet here we are watching it all like a head-on collision of two old-fashioned steam engines.

The first attack came a few days after the vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. The McCain camp, sensing a slip in their poll numbers, resorted to the old fear factor to appeal to undecided voters. Hey, why not? Fear has worked for the Bush administration for the last eight years; it should work here.

McCain allowed Palin to do his dirty work. Speaking in Florida (lipstick perfect and unsmeared), Palin revived the old Clinton campaign objection that one of Barack Obama’s political allies was a member of the domestic terrorist group The Weather Underground. She argued that Barack and the ally, Bill Ayres, now a college professor, “don’t see America the same way we do.” Later on, she was quoted in a newspaper article as saying that Obama’s association with his pastor, who espoused some decidedly un-American ideas from his pulpit, should be “talked about more.”

Okay, honey, first of all, the rest of us talked about and dealt with these issues when they were raised FIVE MONTHS AGO! Where the hell were you? Oh, that’s right; you were probably too busy running children to hockey practice and bringing home a moose for dinner to notice that the rest of America was having primaries. Obviously you missed the part where Obama denounced Ayres' political tactics from forty years ago, and he distanced himself from his longtime pastor when Reverend Wright got too hot to handle.

Obviously you don’t remember much about the 1960s. I know you were only four and Barack has explained that he was only eight years old at the time. Yet you want to hold him accountable for some radical group's agenda from forty years ago? This guilt by association tactic was discredited years ago. Ah, the good old days of McCarthyism; gone but not forgotten.

In case you forgot what the 1960s were like, allow me to give a very, very brief, grandly over-simplified history. Basically, it was determined by the number 30, as in age 30. Generally, if you were over 30, you favored the status quo, supported the war in South Vietnam, and enjoyed the affluence of post War World Two America. If you were under 30, you were most likely a radical, you were told not to trust anyone over 30, you supported civil rights, and all of us under that age were most likely standing on the grassy knoll when Kennedy was shot... I realize that this is an unfair generalization, but I think we can all agree that the 1960s were a very weird time.

Also, Ms. Palin, you raised these dead horses just days after accusing Joe Biden of performing a “pointing a finger, there you go again,” blame game. In the interest of fair and balanced, we should inquire how that ethics probe against you is going. That’s not so ancient history as say, the Keating Five, in which your man was involved and which you forced Obama to dredge up in self defense. And, while we’re nitpicking about radicals, what about that Alaska secessionist group with which your husband was involved? Many people might equate secession with treason, and that doesn’t look very good on the old vice presidential resume.

This is politics as usual, gang. Nobody likes to see mud slinging, but it rears its ugly head anyway. It’s as if it is an unwritten law in the world of politics: dirt happens because dirt works.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Heart Fine, but…

Dear blog readers,

It is Tuesday, October 7, 2008, and it is my first day at home recovering from open heart surgery. The surgery itself happened on September 30, and I have spent the succeeding days at the wonderful Lankenau Hospital. Lankenau has a superb reputation in the area for their heart care, and I am now living proof of that well-deserved reputation.

My recovery period will be four to six weeks. In that time I am prohibited from driving or even riding in the front of the car. Apparently air bags are to be feared by open heart patients more than George W's mythological weapons of mass destruction.

Since I can’t drive and I am unable to return to work, I’ll have a lot of time on my hands. Therefore, I may be expanding my blog entries to more than two a week. I don’t want to see my forthcoming entries devolve into a series of health reports...unless I can make them interesting in a pithy sort of way. After all, how many times will you put up with reading this: “Today, I got up, went to the bathroom, showered, went to the bathroom, made my breakfast, went to the bathroom...” Okay, I can hear some of you drifting off already.

Besides, there are more important subjects about which to write. For example, we are now less than a month away from what could be the most historic Presidential election in American history. It is an exciting time to be alive and participating in the democratic process. I hope my blog musings are able to keep up with everything we’ll be exposed to by the media. Also, I smell moose blood: I want to rip Sarah Palin a new asshole so bad...but that’ll wait for tomorrow.

As for today and my health report, I can sum it with the statement, “Heart fine, but my chest is being a pain in the ass!” Please take a moment, dear reader, to close your eyes, and imagine a graphic illustration of that last sentence. Gross, isn’t it?

I can explain further: my energy level is improving, my appetite is returning, but my chest is very sore. It appears that all of my chest muscles, ligaments, ribs and bones that were stretched, pulled apart, or otherwise cracked open are objecting (LOUDLY) to the treatment to which they were subjected. This part of my body is pissed off, and I can’t blame it. For now, all I can do is wait for Anne Marie to come home tonight with the very nice pills that’ll make me feel better.

Let me leave today with a deep gratitude once again to the staff of Lankenau Hospital, my family, my friends, my coworkers, and neighbors who are giving Anne Marie and I so much emotional and physical support at this time. The pain of my incision will fade in time, but the love I’m feeling today will overwhelm me for some time to come. Thank you all for your support.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

The Bail Out America Telethon*

Crowd applauds as a singer leaves the stage and Rhett Crit appears at the microphone.

Crit: "Thank you! Clay Aiken, everyone! What a wonderful medley from La Cage Aux Folles."

"Welcome, everyone, to another hour of The Bail Out America Telethon. Folks, this is the big one. I know you get these appeals all the time. Public Broadcasting comes on all the time, and Jerry Lewis is on once a year for his kids, but this is bigger than all of them. This is for all of us.”

“We need your money. And by we, I mean all of us. This financial meltdown will hurt everyone. And by everyone, I mean you, the blue collar worker with little or no health insurance coverage in the Midwest, or you, the white collar worker facing foreclosure in California, or you, the Wall Street financier that can’t make the next payment on his corporate jet. We’re all in this together America!”

“If we let this opportunity pass us by, we’ll see an economic calamity bigger than the Great Depression! Please consider the story of Brewster Ward. He’s a top executive with Lehman Brothers, and he's facing certain ruin because of his company’s reversal of fortune. He still has his home, and he still has his family, but he may not get that $22 million dollar bonus that he’s worked so hard for all these years. Imagine, toiling away at a desk, eight hours a day, five days a week, 52 weeks a year for year after year, only to see his golden parachute snap and send him plummeting into the pits of financial hell! America, we must not let this happen to our gifted geniuses of Wall Street!”

“Our operators are standing by, waiting to talk to you, waiting to graciously accept your donation. The phones aren’t ringing, people! Come on, America! This is for all of us.”

“We’re not asking you for one dollar, or five dollars, or even ten dollars. Instead, we are asking for at least $2,300 from every man, woman, and child in this great country of ours. This amount will save the great banks that so foolishly invested in a lot of bad mortgages. Yes, we are asking you, the American people, the American taxpayer, to pay for their mistakes.”

“Treasury Secretary Paulson will be out later as soon as he gets his knee pads on, but before he does, please think about donating to this worthy cause. I realize that this is asking a lot, but remember this is a bank, I mean country, for the people, of the people, and by the people. We’re passing the hat around and it’s the biggest mother hat ever in the history of this country.”

“If you can’t afford the full amount now, consider using a credit card, or perhaps you still have your stimulus check sitting around at home, uncashed. You haven’t cashed it yet, because you can’t decide on what to spend it. You’ve been thinking of what you can do with that money. Perhaps a down payment on a new car, pay your child’s college tuition, or that big screen television you’ve been drooling over at your local Best Buy.”

“Well, let me suggest to you to forget all that and consider returning that cash back to Uncle Sam. That’s right! Just sign it and return it back to us, for all of us. Call in now! Donate that money now! If you don’t do it now, you’ll surely have to do it next year, or the year after that. Or your children will pay for it...or your grandchildren...or your great grandchildren..."

“I’m Rhett Crit and nobody approved this message.”

*Inspired by a conversation with blog reader Damon Oliver; thanks, Damon!