A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, February 25, 2011

Arrogant Republicans and Runaway Democrats

The political theater drama playing out in several Midwest states is either awe-inspiring or reckless depending on your political persuasion. The most contentious acts have been carried out in Madison Wisconsin, where the state capitol has been besieged by unionized demonstrators protesting the governor’s proposal to restrict their right to collective bargaining. The governor says he needs to do this to enable local governments throughout his state to control their budgets. His foes believe his ideas are nothing more than a Tea Party influenced attempt at union busting.

The scenes inside the capital of protesters huddled in sleeping bags on marble floors and munching on free pizza for nourishment is only half of the drama. The other half is happening somewhere outside the state where 14 Senate Democrats have decamped in an attempt to thwart a vote on Governor Walker’s plan. Without them, the state Senate doesn’t have a quorum — the minimum number of legislators needed — to have a vote. Their exact location is unknown, although the Chicago area has been mentioned in a few reports.

How did it come to this that an entire political party has to walk away from their duties in order to make a point? It’s an old ploy that has been used time and again in America’s history. Most recently, a group of Texas legislators stayed away to prevent the majority party from implementing a controversial redistricting plan. Such actions are always a double-edged sword. They might (or might not) accomplish the initial goal, but later the true result will be analyzed in the next elections.

Throughout all of this drama, Governor Walker’s motives have been examined by both sides of the issue and all sides in the media. His stated goal of reducing his state’s deficit is in line with the penny pinching image he has cultivated. One of his election ads portrayed him as an ordinary guy who drives an older car and brown bags his lunch everyday to save money for the “important things”. This image can be seen in his proposal for the union members to contribute more to their health and pension plans.

The unions have agreed to these concessions, knowing full well the possibility that they may never come back no matter how great times are in the future. Yet Walker — who vaulted to statewide power with the support and blessings of the limited government favoring Tea Party movement — ironically overreaches with his accompanying demands which will restrict unions’ ability to organize, collect dues, and represent their members in negotiations. The unions were right to give the concessions and simultaneously stand up to preserve their hard-earned right to collective bargaining. As a (now unemployed) union member and great-grandson of a German immigrant who — according to family lore lost both of his legs in the anthracite mines of central Pennsylvania — I believe the benefits of collective bargaining are vitally important to the financial well being of many American families.

Walker has displayed his anti-union tendencies before, and the result was disastrous. His attempt to hire a private firm to run the Milwaukee County Jail when he was county executive a few years ago has just recently been ruled as illegal. The courts ruling that the unionized guards be compensated for all of their back pay will eventually cost the state of Wisconsin millions of dollars. This incident — coupled with an admission during a prank phone call disseminated on the Internet that he considered hiring troublemakers to infiltrate the protesters — is revealing the governor's highly politicized intentions.

Meanwhile, the runaway Democrats are hiding out, far from their families and constituents, facing loss of income because they cannot collect their paychecks in person, and sadly, not getting any free pizza. I hope they hold out as long as they can, even though they may eventually take some criticism for pushing Wisconsin to the brink of financial disaster. I also hope the protesters hold out until the governor decides to abandon his ideas, although I’m sure the taste of macaroni and cheese pizza (What did you expect? This is Wisconsin, after all!) will grow tiresome after awhile.

Once again the main villain is the arrogance of one side’s refusal to compromise. This concept is a cornerstone to resolving all conflicts, whether they are personal or political. Unfortunately, the insistence that compromise is not an option is increasingly seen by political conservatives as a sign of strength. Yes, they may believe their resolve is unbreakable, but they won’t see any of their radical ideas come to fruition any time soon.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember that even the hardest of stones are susceptible to the winds of change.)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Year of Democracy Fever!

As I finish my 4th month of premature temporary retirement, it behooves me to welcome those who have just recently joined the ranks of the unemployed. These people, like me, had been in their current positions for a long time; in fact, one of them had the same job for 40 years. Unlike me, these people were not unionized; in fact, they were all in management positions. Of course, I’m talking about the small group of Middle East dictators who, until recently, ruled over their kingdoms with total, ruthless control.

The year 2011 will be most likely remembered as the year of democracy fever. The symptoms first appeared in Tunisia with large crowds forming in public places demanding a regime change. These large gatherings of citizens in small areas are the most dramatic form of civil disobedience known to mankind. True, it is disruptive to day-to-day life, but that’s the whole point. The people may stay in place and chant “Power to the people” but their message could be translated as “Meet our demands, or we’ll stay here until you do!” Dictators may consider this as a form of mass blackmail, but honestly who cares about their feelings, especially when they are outnumbered hundreds of thousands to one.

From Tunisia the epidemic spread to Egypt. The world anxiously followed the events – protests, counter-protests from government supporters, and finally violent clashes - in Tahrir Square for several weeks. Finally, Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak thought it prudent to escape Cairo and let his Army take over the country. I reckon that Mubarak is busy updating his resume as this is being written.

These massive demonstrations do not always go smoothly, but then no one ever said that revolution was easy. It’s one thing to just show up somewhere with, say, half a million of your closest buds and decide, “Hey let’s bring the Man down!” There is no guarantee that someone else with an opposing point of view won’t also show up — with coincidentally a million or so of their buds — and make their ideas known to the first group. This resulting meeting of the minds can be called anything from a “rumble” to a “donnybrook” to a “kerfuffle” to a “skirmish” to “all out war”.

The world saw this happen in Egypt, and shortly after that in Iran. Ironically, Iran’s leadership voiced support for the anti-Mubarak forces in Egypt at first. Imagine Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s shock when his own people thought it would be a great idea if they too took to the streets. The Iranian government reacted with extreme force and it appears that the latest Iranian revolution has been put down for now. (The protests may still be happening, but no one knows for sure since Iran has revoked permits enabling the foreign press to cover them.) How unfortunate for the people of Iran that they could not convince Ahmadinejad to step down, but it’s early yet. Ahmadinejad may soon be compelled to negotiate for a nice severance package.

This week the rising temperatures of freedom have been felt by the people of Libya. There the clashes have been marked by more violence than was seen in Egypt with casualties numbering in the hundreds. Sniper forces supporting Libya’s 40 year regime of Moammar Gaddafi have even been picking off mourners attending funerals for those killed in previous demonstrations. Now that’s a new low, even for an iron-fisted dictator like Gaddafi!

As this is being written, the soon-to-be-former despot is rumored to be heading to asylum in Venezuela. In any event, I hope Gaddafi uses his new found free time for something useful like, oh, updating his resume. It’s easy to see that his position has been terminated.

Like most epidemics, it’s hard to predict where democracy fever will strike next. There have been mild outbreaks reported in Madison, Wisconsin — where unionized state workers are protesting pending legislation that will take away their right to collective bargaining — and China. China! Imagine! You have to credit the average Chinese willing to take a chance on publicly demonstrating for change as if the massacre at Tiananmen Square never happened. Good luck to them, and watch out for tanks!

Now that I think about it, China is very close to...North Korea, another dictator nirvana that is ripe for a popular uprising. This could get very interesting if the North Koreans are afflicted with the same human rights bug that has struck the people of Egypt and Libya. Kim Jong Il may want to consider updating his resume...soon.

(Thank you for reading. Yo Hosni, Mahmoud, Muammar, and Kim! Tell me, what color is your parachute?)

Friday, February 18, 2011

Fear and Loathing...Live From CPAC 2011!

Remember the attempted assassination of Arizona House member Gabrielle Giffords? And remember how there was a lot of backlash against the heated political rhetoric directed at Giffords during the 2010 elections, particularly since the rhetoric may have inspired the gunman to shoot the congresswoman? And remember how legislators on both sides of the aisle pledged a greater degree of civility in legislative business in the future?

Well, forget all that! The party’s over! This year’s CPAC meeting in Washington demonstrated that nastiness is back in business.

CPAC – the acronym for Conservative Political Action Conference — has become the annual place to be seen for those who actually, in reality, and publicly admit to being extremist, rabid conservatives. And by rabid I don’t mean having very strong allegiance to conservative issues. By rabid I mean profoundly mad, frothing-at-the-mouth political insanity. In other words, I mean it in a very, very bad way...not just for conservatives or Republicans, but the republic in general.

The more newsworthy events of the weekend conference included nearly attended appearances by Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum, and an overflow attended sales pitch from multi-billionaire real estate developer and media peacock Donald Trump. The Donald’s spiel was sponsored by GOProud, a gay, conservative group. Yes, it’s true! They let gays come to a meeting of conservatives! OMG! What is the world coming to?

Since the conference ended, the CPAC leadership has clarified GOProud’s future role in the organization. They are welcome to participate as long as they abandon those obviously horrid, liberal ideas like gay marriage and repeal of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the American military. Translation: come into the big tent, please take a seat (preferably in the back), and most importantly, keep your mouth shut. I cannot blame the group if they realize “What’s the point? We might as well smoke pot and not inhale...or so our friends tell us!”

A few other highlights of the weekend include: President Obama was demonized as a “socialist” (Michele Bachmann), “weak” (Mitt Romney), and “doesn’t believe in truth” (Rick Santorum). Ann Coulter got wild applause when she suggested that “more journalists should be jailed”. Former Vice President Dick Cheney ended up growling at a group of hecklers who called him a “war criminal” and “draft dodger”.

Now, on behalf of all the liberals wronged over the course of the CPAC meeting, I feel obliged to respond. Rick Santorum has trouble with the truth too. Earlier in the week he was quoted in Politico as stating on a radio show that a certain conservative superstar would not attend CPAC, because she was busy with other events which were more financially rewarding. (This month arteejee is not identifying this superstar by name, but we will hint that her name can be translated from the Catawissan for, “She who hunts moose from a whirly-gig flying machine”. You know, what’s her name?) Santorum later denied the quote as “garbage” and that all he said was she was “busy...period.”

Unfortunately, the radio interview itself was widely disseminated throughout the Internet and supported Politico’s quotes as factual and correct. So, Rick Santorum...liar, liar, pants on fire!

Ann Coulter has been identified as a lawyer, commentator and columnist, which is very close to regarding her as a reporter. To this end, Ann, please turn yourself in to the nearest police station or FBI office as soon as possible, and confess to whatever charge they have lying around. You’ll be one “journalist” that won’t be missed...well, you won’t be missed by liberals.

As for Dick Cheney: “Sit, Dick, sit! Good former vice president, that’s a good boy!” And as for all of the other name callers on the CPAC dais: “Sticks and stones may break our liberal bones, but sometimes you nasty conservatives can sure be ugly!”

(Thank you for reading. Please remember, whether we consider ourselves to be right or left, we all have to learn to live together somewhere in the middle at the end of the day.)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Snort Notes – February 2011


Honestly, I thought he would never leave. The man could not take the hint that he was no longer wanted. There were hundreds of thousands of his countrymen for God’s sake, willing to stay away from their homes for days on end, endure beatings and horrendous living conditions just to convey the message to him that they didn’t like the way he was doing things. Of course the closest thing we have come to this sort of event in America is known as the 1968 Democratic National Convention, but I digress...

Fortunately, Mubarak finally saw the light and left with his family for a resort. It was only after he left Cairo that his recently installed vice president announced Mubarak’s resignation and handover of power to the Egyptian Army. This resulted in much public rejoicing and anticipation that Egypt would move towards becoming a full-time democracy.

Ah, but what if this is a false alarm? I don’t mean to rain on anyone’s parade, but what if the vice president misread the announcement. What if, instead of the message, “I resign. Let the Army take over”, the message actually read, “I’m leaving for the weekend, resigned to the inescapable feeling that I need a break from the protesters in Cairo. Let the Army take over for the weekend. See ya Monday! Respectfully, Hosni.” This could be a major game changer for the protesters. On the other hand, it can’t compare to the rude awakening Mubarak might have when he returns from his long weekend and wonder why everyone is so happy...


No joke here. I am honestly overjoyed to hear that someone has beaten the habit with the love and support of his family.


Reports out of Washington have noted that Thomas spends much of his time in silence when court is in session. Okay, so perhaps he is a good listener; there’s nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, has anyone bothered to check his pulse lately? The poor fellow could have died years ago and we wouldn’t know it. American history has many stories of hundreds of dead people voting in elections, but this could be the first time a dead judge voted.

Perhaps steps should be taken to revive Justice Thomas so that he is a productive member of the Supreme Court team again. Obviously he needs some activity or some stimulant to get his blood rushing in the morning. Maybe he could carpool with fellow Justice Antonin Scalia, who as The Washington Post noted years ago, drives really, really, really fast. I’m not saying that Scalia exceeds the speed limit on Shirley Highway, but I’m sure the trip would do Thomas wonders as he clutches Scalia’s dashboard for dear life.

Another idea: Justice Thomas could start each day with a big, caffeinated drink. Then repeat as necessary throughout the day. A Starbucks grande will do. A can of Coca Cola would be even better, pubic hair not included.

Yes, I went there! Kids, if you don’t get the Coca Cola reference, please Google Anita Hill, then sit back and relax with a Pepsi.

(Thank you for reading! Here’s another one you kids may not know: “Pepsi pours it on!”)

Friday, February 11, 2011

There I Go Again: The Gipper Turns 100

Ronald Reagan was never, is not, and will never be bigger than Jesus Christ!

There! I said it, and I don’t care if his admirers damn me for my opinion. I particularly don’t care if those pushing the Ronald Reagan Legacy project — which aims to name everything nailed down in this country after him — are horrified to hear my pronouncement.

The celebration of his centennial birth last weekend was a time to re-examine the Gipper’s legacy. Pundits from both sides weighed in on his greatness and/or how overrated his reputation has been. It was also amusing to see how many of today’s Republicans jumped on his ideological carcass in an effort to claim that they are his political heirs.

In the days since the celebrations, there has been some second-guessing (not unusual) by even more pundits about today’s Reagan worshippers. Some noted that today’s Republicans have suffered from selective amnesia when it comes to the Gipper’s accomplishments. Yes, he cut taxes and built up the military which many credit with helping the Soviet Union’s slide into financial ruin. The end result was, however, the beginning of the deficit which now, 30 years later, they decry. In their minds Reagan shouldn’t be blamed for the deficit.

And these people want to have the exclusive right to rule this country?

Technically, today’s deficit isn’t the same one Reagan started. There was one period of prosperity in the 1990s when, yes, taxes were raised and the country had a surplus with which we could have done many marvelous improve our infrastructure. This period of prosperity is now recorded in the history books as “the Clinton administration”. I hasten to point out here that Clinton was, and still is, a Democrat.

Hmmm, a Democrat overseeing a period of great economic times. That’s not supposed to happen. Go figure!

The parallels between Reagan’s supporters then and his supporters today are also similar. Both are now recognized as radical right-wing fringes of the GOP. In the 1980s, the fringe was more closely aligned with evangelical Christianity and they called themselves the Moral Majority. Today, those with the same mindset want to be known as Tea Partiers. The fact that they want to be associated with a common beverage — and not some harder type of libation — might be a sign of progress, but I doubt it. I wouldn’t mind if they were known as the Beer Bingers; God only knows they might be easier to live with if they went through the day soused to the gills. Okay, so the angry rants by some of their members would be interrupted occasionally with intense puking, but hey, that might still make them easier to deal with...or not.

I can’t praise Reagan, but rather I can briefly note his accomplishments good, bad and indifferent. Okay, so he built up our self esteem with his “It’s morning in America” theme, and he did display a willingness to compromise with the other side. (There’s that “C” word again!) His deficit building and his tepid response to the AIDS crisis are still sore spots with many people today.

My ability to see some good things come out of Ronald Reagan’s term has tempered my opinion against all the things with which I disagree. For many of us, the man had a polarizing effect on society. You either loved him or hated him with a passion. I don’t think he was the worst president ever (a more recent administration which I shall not name has a lock on that honor), but I’m not ready to start carving his visage next to Washington’s on Mount Rushmore either. Eventually Reagan, like all of the other presidents before and after him, will be judged as products of their times and how their actions continue to influence American society today and tomorrow. With this mind he was neither 100% saint nor 100% devil.

He certainly wasn’t a God.

(Thank you for reading. Never mind the Gipper. Win one just for yourself.)

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

If Only Christina Aguilera Had Eaten Doritos...

Another football season is over, and once again the annual climatic exploitation of crass American consumerism (aka the Super Bowl) occurred amidst much multimillion dollar hype. Naturally, it was also an excuse for the football gazing public at large to engage in their yearly food and drinking orgy of Caligulan proportions. The Super Bowl is the annual American spectacle that can show the country at its best (good sportsmanship) and worst (everything else).

Fortunately, I did not witness the pageantry of excess as it happened. So what did I miss? Apparently not much! No boobs were exposed this year, so fortunately mass media will not have to fear another decency crackdown by the FCC.

In a bid for record-breaking attendance (and naturally make even more obscene amounts of money), the NFL arranged to hastily install more seats in the new Cowboys Stadium. Unfortunately, the seats were not installed in time to pass inspection by the fire marshal, and suddenly hundreds of people who paid $900 for a place at the Big Game had to be relocated or denied access altogether. Dallas hasn’t seen a public relations disaster like this since Kennedy attempted to ride through Dealey Plaza.

The victims of this bid for unbridled greed have been offered triple their money back by the NFL, but the league misses the point. To pay that kind of money and take the time and further resources to travel to the Big Game is a major bragging point with many people. Many probably believe that their attendance at a Super Bowl contest makes up for the fact that they weren’t around to attend other landmark cultural events like the original Woodstock.

These hapless souls may have missed the total Super Bowl experience, but on the plus side they didn’t have to personally sit through Christina Aguilera’s torturing of the Star Spangled Banner. Critics on Twitter immediately noticed that she dropped a line (O’er the ramparts we watched) from her wandering, screeching performance. Way to go, Christina! Now the Tea Partiers will probably insist on a Constitutional amendment mandating that every child memorize the Star Spangled Banner or else answer to Glenn Beck!

The shots of the crowd during Aguilera’s performance ranged from bemusement to borderline spastic. There was the extreme close-up of a befuddled fellow, who realized something was amiss, to a shot of several football players tearing up with emotion, to finally another football player who couldn’t stand still. This guy was jumping around like a bored five year old sitting in church. My theories for his angst: either he was anxious to be playing the “big game”, or he was a drop out from the “fast track” school of potty training and had to go real bad.

As always, the action on the field, whether in the game itself or part of the pre/post/half-time shows, was overshadowed by the commercials. The football championship is one thing, but this is always the event in which American business trots out its new products or launches new ad campaigns for old products. Fortunately, I didn’t have to watch the whole game just to see the commercials. Thank you, YouTube!

The most amusing ads came via Bud Light (my favorite: “dog sitting” with a nod to the kitschy Poker Dogs paintings); Doritos (the amazing snack that not only raises the dead, but also reassembles grandpa from his cremated remains); and Pepsi Max (uniting or dividing those seeking long term relationships). I’m sure many baby boomers felt tears of nostalgia well up when the Chevy Silverado demonstrated it can bring help to a poor, hapless boy who can’t seem to stay out of danger just as well as a collie named Lassie.

The best edited commercial had to have been for the next generation electric car: Chevy Volt. The ad was one long montage of America’s electrical innovations linking Ben Franklin to Thomas Edison to Howdy Doody to Jimi Hendrix (!) to the Volt. Overall, it was a brilliant thread of Americana neatly displayed within a time frame of 30 seconds.

The most ambitious ad was a two minute mini-documentary from Chrysler with an underlying theme: Detroit will be back with a vengeance. By calculating the price of a 30 second spot at $3 million, then we can estimate the price tag just to broadcast it was $12 million! The results were very ambitious, a nice booster shot for Detroit’s image, and another reminder in the end that no matter how bad economic times get, car ads will never stop. Still, there is an uncomfortable feeling that all this money spent by an industry that accepted bailout money from the government will just give more ammo to the Tea Partiers attack on big government. Never mind that the auto industry and thousands of jobs were saved...

Now we can look forward to the next Super Bowl - which may or may not be played next year depending on how the NFL's forth coming labor dispute is resolved. Still, we shouldn’t delay on planning every detail, such as who will sing the National Anthem next time? I nominate Rosanne Barr. With the NFL obviously in a forgiving mood — witness Michael Vick's public redemption stint with the Philadelphia Iggles — this would be a perfect chance for someone like Rosanne to make up for her previous National Anthem blunder.

Think about it; we could do worse.

(Thank you for reading. Please, someone pass the chips to Christina!)

Friday, February 04, 2011

The Revolution on Tahrir Square

The world has been watching with much anxiety the events unfolding in Cairo’s Tahrir Square during the last few weeks. In that time, a protest movement has grown within the community of young Egyptians fed up with the leadership of President-for-Life (or so he thinks) Hosni Mubarak. The world community is anxious that this could be Egypt’s fall from stability, the global business community is concerned how it will affect the price of oil, and Egyptians living abroad have, understandably, expressed mixed feelings about the recent events in their country.

For America, the situation is a bit complicated. Yes, at heart we want to root for the oppressed because it reminds us so much of when we were that age, standing up to a dictatorial power and declaring our freedom from said power. The events transpiring now could very well be Egypt’s equivalent of our confrontations at Lexington and Concord in 1775.

That’s where our hearts are, but our heads have to consider a few other facts. In recent decades, Egypt has been the most stable of Arab nations in the area and — more importantly — America’s strongest Arab ally in the region. It would be very awkward for us to push Mubarak out after we’ve looked away for decades from his alleged abuses of power. This probably explains why President Obama has been strongly hinting that Mubarak should start reforming his government, while stopping short of committing American resources to force his ouster.

Thus we have been sitting on the sidelines as the protesters grew from a few hundred to a few thousand to a few hundred thousand. There’s no doubt that the protesters marching through the streets, signs and fists held aloft, and chanting for Mubarak to step aside has been highly dramatic. Truly, this is democracy in action.

Of course, democracy cannot be one-sided. The allowance of others with opposing views to air their side of the argument is a necessary evil. Before anyone could ask, “Who the hell invited them,” a number of Mubarak supporters joined in the public demonstrations, riding into the vicinity of protesters on horse and camel back, wielding weapons, and beating up on American correspondent, Anderson Cooper. The death toll on both sides has climbed dramatically. Truly, this is democracy run amok!

Meanwhile, Mubarak has taken bold steps to placate the protesters. The Egyptian president has ordered his government to resign, appointed a vice-president, and announced that he will not seek re-election when his term September. Unfortunately, this is not the timetable the protesters had in mind. They want Mubarak out as of yesterday.

Allow me to rewrite the lead sentence in the last paragraph. Meanwhile, Mubarak has taken wimpy, little baby steps to soothe the protesters. He has, in effect, implied that the protesters will only get him out of office when they pry his cold, dead fingers off of the presidential podium. Actually, the protesters might not have a problem with this possible outcome if it comes to that, but up until yesterday the only violence going on is what is being inflicted on them by pro-Mubarak forces.

Today, the reports have been more optimistic about a more orderly transition of power in Egypt. Heightened security has decreased the use of violent interactions between warring protesters in the last 24 hours. There are also reports of negotiations underway for Mubarak to step down sooner than September, and have his newly installed vice-president take control of an interim government until free and fair elections occur. These are hopeful signs that one of the oldest civilizations on the planet is moving democracy from the battleground at Tahrir Square to a way of life in Egypt.

(Thank you for reading. Let’s hope that the Egyptian people see a peaceful resolution to their conflict soon.)

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Housebreaking Humans

A new month full of blog entries, and there’s so much satirical fodder to be found in media headlines that, well, I just don’t know where to start! Should I follow the Congressional Democrats lead and point out that the new majority-Republican House seems to be concentrating on everything and anything but the issue they criticized the Democrats for not doing enough of, namely, job creation?

Or should I note how Karl Rove’s critique of President Obama’s 2011 State of the Union address counted how few times he mentioned reducing the deficit, while not once noting that the deficit was born and grew to monstrous proportions on his watch as Bush’s main presidential adviser?

Or should I dwell on Charles Krauthammer’s equally pedestrian criticism of Obama’s speech, in which he noted that government spending on rebuilding the nation’s infra-structure won’t reduce the deficit, without mentioning the benefit that such a program would CREATE JOBS?

So many GOP missteps, so little time...

Unfortunately, all of these issues pale in comparison to the news that a three-year-old preschooler living in Arlington County, Virginia, has been expelled from preschool until she or her parents can demonstrate that she is fully potty-trained. Yes, this is the controversy making headlines in The Washington Post this week. This is quite a change in the Post’s selection of stories since say, oh, the 1970s. Back then the Post exposed government corruption at the highest levels and wrote on every tiny detail about the scandal until the miscreant president was driven from office prematurely. Liberals look back on those days with sentimental nostalgia, but as far as the Post is concerned, Watergate is a "been there, done that" experience.

Now the Post is exposing local government’s misguided efforts to curb soggy toddler pants. I feel bad for the little girl. The teacher at the school announced in front of everyone – children and their parents — how many accidents the girl had on one day. The Washington Post published the child’s name, obviously causing even more public embarrassment! This brings us to the following disclaimer.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Arteejee has adopted a policy of not publishing the names of children caught in traumatizing situations, victims of sexual assault, hypocritical liberals, and Democrats behaving badly. If, on the other hand, you are a duly elected official who abandons his/her constituency to pursue the more lucrative media fields of best-selling authordom and/or lecture touring, then may God have mercy on your soul...because we certainly won’t!

We now return to today’s entry...

Anyway, the child’s mother is challenging Arlington County to change their policy about not accepting children into schools before they are housebroken. The county does have a valid point: they don’t want the school day for other children interrupted just because little Suzy (actual name withheld to protect the damp bottomed) can’t control her urinary urges. However, experts (pediatricians and other concerned grown-ups) point out that it’s ludicrous to expect all children to uniformly attain full, 100% certified, potty-trained status at the same age. Some children learn at a slower pace than others. The article cited experts who claimed a window of learning could occur anywhere from eighteen months to four years of age.

In “Suzy’s” case her mother maintains that the child was fully trained, but only started having accidents when she started attending preschool in September. This claim begs the question: what the hell are the school administrators doing to this poor child to scare the piss out of her? Are they exposing her to old reruns of American Idol? Have they been reading to her all of the Republican Party’s deficit projections for which she and her generation will be responsible? Have they been forcing her to sit through episodes of Glenn Beck? What, what have they been doing to this poor child?

The Post briefly mentioned two radical schools of thought concerning potty training. One is called “elimination communication”, which advocates starting to train the infant at three months old. Three months old! Holy urinary tract, Batman!

The other idea is called “fast track”, in which the child is saturated with drinks and then placed on a potty until their business is completed. Good lord! I believe this was done to an adult in the movie Caligula, or so my friends tell me, and the results were not pretty! Why don’t we just waterboard the little pissers and get it over with?

EDITOR’S NOTE: Whoa! We feel we must discontinue Mr. Gunther’s commentary at this point as this suggestion of torturing small children is unacceptable for blog content, satirical or not. We apologize to any readers who may have been offended by this idea, unless of course you’re a former governor of Alaska who builds an entire career with such gaffes and will remain nameless for the remainder of this month. If you are this person, then may God have mercy on your soul...because we won’t!

(Thank you for reading! Please remember to urinate early and urinate often!)