Snort Bites – March 2013

ELDERLY WOMAN DROPS OFF GRENADE AT RECYCLING CENTER IN SWEDEN

This story should remind us all of the do’s and don’ts of recycling our unwanted items. First, not all military weapons can be recycled. Many municipalities only accept grenades stamped with the numbers "1" or "2" on the bottom. Grenades marked "3" through "7" are almost never recycled. Ditto for small thermal-nuclear devices. Honestly, I don’t know of any town or township in America that will accept these items for recycling purposes. (My killjoy editor has just informed me that no military weapons are ever accepted anywhere for recycling. Way to play along, Anne Marie!)

SUPREME COURT HEARS ARGUMENTS FOR REPEALING CALIFORNIA’S PROPOSITION 8 AND DOMA

Polls show that the idea of marriage equality is gaining wider acceptance in American society and all eyes were on the Supreme Court this week as arguments were heard to repeal California’s version of a same-sex marriage ban (Proposition 8) and the federal government’s Defense of Marriage Act. All eyes are on them AS IF they will have the final say on the matter.

It’s another example of the glass being half empty/half full. Half full: If the court strikes down both, then gay couples everywhere may immediately reap financial benefits in regard to joint property laws. It may even accelerate the slow-as-a-turtle momentum of same-sex marriage laws that are winding through various state legislatures. It could also galvanize the far right to push for laws reinforcing DOMA laws, Supreme Court be damned! I can just see the Fox News inspired paranoia now!

OR — the dreaded OR —

Half empty: The court will uphold both laws which will be bad news for many gay couples; but make no mistake, the debate will rage on. Look at what a Supreme Court decision did for abortion rights. In 1973, Roe V. Wade legalized abortion, and 40 years later states are taking steps to restrict abortion rights. In other words, the Supreme Court decision in 1973 did nothing!

OR — the Supreme Court will just tip the glass over and issue a vague ruling on both laws, which won’t make anyone happy. 

  

On a related note….

CONGRESSPERSONS AND OTHER CELEBRITIES CHOOSE TO SUPPORT SAME-SEX MARRIAGE

A growing number of Senators have in recent weeks voiced their support for same-sex marriage as the Supreme Court hearings approached. A short list of these legislators: Claire McCaskill, Rob Portman (Republican!), Mark Warner and Jay Rockefeller. Influential Americans outside the government have also lent their voices to the cause: former First Lady/Senator/Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, and former governor Christine Todd Whitman (another Republican, exclamation point.)

In more recent days, a noteworthy show of support for same-sex marriage was heard from country singer/songwriter/icon/marijuana smoker Willie Nelson. His viewpoint might have been surprising, given his standing within the country western music community. On the other hand, Nelson has long been on the outlaw fringe of that community, so maybe we shouldn’t be surprised. He sees no sense to the double standard of laws behind straight and same-sex marriage.

Besides, try finding a line that rhymes with the lyric, “Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be homosexual!” Good luck with that!

And on that cheap shot, my fellow liberals, we bid adieu to March!

(Thank you for reading! Happy holidays!)

(First?) (Annual?) Bloggerpalooza

Anne Marie and I took in a long weekend retreat with a group of progressive-thinking bloggers in Lewes, Delaware. It was a gathering of 20-25 people, most of whom (coincidentally) happened to be gay married couples. From all reports on the other blogs, it appears that everyone had a good time.

We were the first to arrive at The Inn at Canal Square on Friday afternoon, having the luxury of getting the entire day off work to travel. Ours was a very nice room with a relaxing view of the canal. Since it is the off season, the canal was not busy with the usual touristy events of small boats traveling up and down. Our room was also afforded a view of the Captain’s Suite in a separate building across the parking area. A few members of the group had rented out this space as the central gathering place for our group; thus we could see who was coming and going, and know when would be the best time to congregate there.

One of those who rented this space was Cubby, who must have brought along his entire liquor supply for the weekend. It was understood that all of this booze would be consumed by the end of the weekend. We gave it our very best effort, and I tried to keep up with the rest of the crowd; but alas, in the end, Cubby ended up taking some of his supply home with him. With sincere apologies to Cubby — who was a great and very gracious host — we will all have to work on building up our liquor consumption before we meet again.

Anne Marie and I walked around Lewes on Saturday morning, investigating the quaint shops and boutiques. A bookstore, liquor emporium, several restaurants and cafes, chocolate store, a yarn store, antiques here and there, and no room for any chain outlets. Not a McDonalds or Starbucks in sight!  We didn’t miss them at all!

Lunched at A Touch of Italy on their tomato bisque soup, and couldn’t pass up a meatball parm hero. In retrospect, I ate too much. No problem; its times like this that God created Alka-Seltzer ®.

A banquet on Saturday night afforded another opportunity to mingle. Gifts were given to the guest of honor, a blogger known as Dr. Spo. Having traveled from Phoenix with his husband (known to bloggers as Someone or Harper's Keeper), they had traversed the greatest distance for our gathering. I found Spo to be soft-spoken, but with a razor sharp wit matched only by his intelligence. I have listened to Anne Marie talk about her blogger friends for the last three years or so, and it was great to have an opportunity to match names with faces.

Anne Marie also received a few gifts, one of which was a witch’s hat. I called out that she should wear this hat every Monday morning from now on, usually because her personality matches a witch’s mood on the first day of every work week.  Her response of “Shut up” brought the house down.

Afterward, more drinking and socializing at the Captain’s Suite. Sassybear proved he was God’s gift to cosmo makers everywhere by whipping up several batches for all. The dancing that had been talked about on some of the group's previous blogs never happened; the group was content to drink, sit around, drink, talk, and drink some more.

Sunday morning and check-out time came too soon. We all said our goodbyes and the revelers departed to all points on the compass. The farewells were punctuated with wishes to do this all again soon. Anne Marie and I had hopes of staying until Monday morning — yes we arranged that day off too — but an early spring snowstorm forced us to travel home Sunday night.

Thanks again to Cubby for his hospitality, and to Ron, an employee at the Inn, for arranging everything. It was a great time with too much good food and liquor (I gained eight pounds over the course of the weekend). I sincerely hope that this group of friends can gather again very soon.

(Thank you for reading.)

The Potty Police

Submitted for your approval: a scene somewhere in a men’s restroom someplace in Arizona in the not too distant future.*

Bob: Oh, excuse me. Um, this is the men’s room.

Tom(isina): Oh yes, I know, but I’m just obeying the new law.

Bob: What law is that?

Tom: Oh, the one that mandates that transgenders use public restrooms according to the gender listed on their birth certificate.

Bob: Oh right! That one! Sooo, you were born a….

Tom: Bouncing baby boy, yes! I traded in the puppy dog tails for this nice pair of pumps.

Bob: I must say, those pumps look great! And that dress…why, you look fabulous! I would never guess that you were born a guy!

Tom: Yes, they do wonders with breasts these days.

(DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN, SLAMMING AGAINST THE WALL.)

Officer: Freeze! Potty Police!

Tom: (Screams.)

Officer: Okay, ladies, show me your birth certificates!

Bob: Oh, sorry, officer! I don’t have mine on me. Would my driver’s license do? By the way, that was a wonderful scream!

Tom: Thank you! I practiced for years!

Officer: You can put your hands down, sir and madam/sir. I just need to verify that you can use these facilities. Nice pumps, by the way!

Tom: Thank you!

Officer: To answer your question, sir, no, a driver’s license won’t do. It’s a birth certificate or nothing!

Tom: One question, officer, before you run us in for illegal use of a rest facility. Was it your ambition to be in potty law enforcement?

Officer: If you must know, I have a liberal arts degree! It’s either this, or I’m frying potatoes in a basket somewhere!

Tom: So, instead of being a French fry chef, you’re violating the rights of law abiding citizens who just want to empty their bladders? Oooooh! Your parents must be so proud of you!

Man (running into the restroom): Oh, officer! Thank God I found you! Come quick! The second floor men’s room just reeks of marijuana and I think that a girl is being gang raped in one of the stalls!

Officer: Sorry, can’t help you! Actual law enforcement is beyond my scope. I’m just checking for birth certificates…which reminds me, let me see yours.

Man: Oh, um. I know I have it somewhere on me. Umm…nice pumps!

Tom: Thank you!

And on and on…

This scene might come true soon if Arizona Republican representative John Kavanagh has his way. A scheduled debate on his resolution — requiring men and women to only use public facilities based on their gender listed at birth - was postponed on Wednesday due to a clerical error. No, not postponed because the entire proposal is preposterous, but postponed for a writing mistake.

Hopefully, once debate resumes, a number of questions about the proposal should be aired. Such as: how will we enforce this law? Where will we find the money to enforce this? And will the state have to also hire lawyers to stand near the doors of every restroom in the state in case offended patrons want to file suit because their civil rights have been violated? And, oh yes, finally, how does this law satisfy the Republican Party’s desire for less government intruding on people’s lives?

Perhaps Arizona should consider another legislative proposal; namely, anyone wanting to run for public office must furnish proof that they don’t have their head up their ass!

*DISCLAIMER: The dialogue presented here may not be realistic, and admittedly could be considered borderline stereotypical, but exaggerated only for dramatic effect. Apologies to all who might be offended.

(Thank you for reading! Trust me, the pumps were fabulous!!!!!)

Liberal Dilemma and Hatefest

I had a certain perplexing experience happen to me recently and I wondered, “What as a liberal am I morally obligated to do?”

Here is my dilemma: while driving home from work one day, I happened to get behind a car which had a Romney 2012 bumper sticker on it. At first I thought that perhaps it would be best if bumper stickers — especially those with a political bent — would fade and disintegrate with each rainstorm. This is one reason I don’t put bumper stickers on my cars: they don’t fade after the election is over. They stay and linger forever like the girlfriend that hangs around and never delivers (if you know what I mean) on her end of the deal. Not that I’m speaking from experience — if I don’t count a whole third of my life between 1977 and 19…I’m sorry what I was ranting about? Oh, bumper stickers!

Anyway, I saw a Romney 2012 sticker on the car ahead of me and I wondered what my options were. I immediately ruled out running the poor deluded soul off the road, possibly committing an act for which I would plead euthanasia, and laughing cruelly as I sped by. That is simply not a thing a nice person does, or at least a person who wants to be perceived as nice would do in this situation.

I decided on three options, which I am throwing open comment/discussion/debate by you, the reader:

• Utter “Tsk, tsk, there but for the grace of God go I,” and go about my business; or

• Speed up, pass them, slam on the brakes which forces them to stop, jump out, point at the car and laugh hysterically; or

• Speed up, pass them, slam on the brakes which forces them to stop, jump out, climb onto their hood and do a happy dance chanting all the while, “Go Obama! Go Obama! Go Obama!”

Choose one of these or suggest another.   .

Of course, being a Romney supporter, chances are good that they would pack a concealed weapon, which they could use to dispatch me before I could get up on their hood. Typical! Romney conservatives can be a humorless lot!

If you believe that my initial urge to run the poor Romney supporter off the road as a mercy killing was an extreme reaction, then you may not have heard what the conservatives said about liberals at this year’s CPAC meeting. One congressman voiced the belief that all liberals should “self deport” themselves from the United States. Ultra-conservative pundit/commentator/general-pain-in-the-ass-bitch Ann Cunter (er, Coulter) said that liberal women should not be allowed to run for public office since they cry in public. Excuse me, but has she seen John Boehner lately? I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely NOT feeling the love from the right wing.

Oh, there were some interesting highlights from this year’s CPAC. GOP ruler of the world wannabe and big game hunter Newt Gingrich used a candle and a light bulb as props to demonstrate the Republican Party has the right principles but the wrong ideas; no wait, the candle was the old ideas, and the light bulb was the new ideas that the party needs to; no wait, that wasn’t quite it either, it’s the party has old candles, but they really need new light bulbs…OH FOR GOD’S SAKE, NEWT! WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST USE AN EMPTY CHAIR LIKE CLINT EASTWOOD DID TO LAMPOON YOUR PARTY’S LEADERSHIP?

Of course, the Divine Sarah also made an appearance brought to you by 7-Eleven’s Big Gulp. Ms. Palin wowed the crowd in her skin-tight jeans, and may have scored a few points with her convenience store product placement. Still, she got double political mileage when she sipped on her Big Gulp in mid speech (a tip of the hat to Marco Rubio) before making a disparaging reference against New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who saw his initiative to outlaw Big Gulp drinks in the Big Apple go up in judicial flames this week.

Sorry, Mr. Bloomberg, but apparently size does matter!

Otherwise, it was the same old retread of Tea Party ideas (their motto has got to be “Government Paralysis Forever!”) trotted out by yesterday’s losers (Romney, Ryan, Santorum, Trump and Bachmann) and tomorrow’s Tea Party darlings (Walker, Jindal, and Bush [Jeb]).  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was particularly conspicuous in his absence; ironic, given his high approval ratings and name recognition factor. Ah, but Christie dares to reach out to the other side and (yes, I’ll use the dreaded “c” word) compromise to get government working for the people again and actually solve our problems. 

Alas, the Tea Party considers compromise a big no-no, which should signal their decline into irrelevance sometime in the next election cycle or two. A liberal can always hope!  Tea Party, please be a dear and go quietly into the night, or we may have no choice but to run you off the road.

(Thank you for reading. Forgive me, Janey, for I’ve lusted over Sarah again!)