Nominations for Bitch Slapping – August 2016

We hereby humbly make the following nominations for people to receive bitch slaps.  While we do try to refrain from promoting actual physical violence, we do believe that many in society today deserve a metaphorical slap to wake them up, bring them to their senses…and who am I kidding?   We would want to do it because it would make us feel good, focusing all of our energy of frustration on those who would do more harm with their points of view than good.  Okay, so the palms of our hands would sting for a few days, but it would be a good sting.

The nominees are:*

EVERYONE WHO DISAVOWS CLIMATE CHANGE

Dudes and dudettes, we have had no fewer than six heat waves this summer which we now know to be the hottest summer on record.  What part of insufferable heat don’t you get?  These conditions have made yard work on the weekends (when I have the time to spare for such down-in-the-dirt activities) impossible if not downright dangerous for my respiration.  The result of the heat: my cucumber plant died yielding only 3 fruit for the entire season, the pepper plants fared no better, and the weeds in the side yard are easily six feet high because I could not stay outside long enough to pull those effers. Our activities are influencing our environment. We need to face this and do some things about it besides standing around shaking our heads saying, “Nope, nope” over and over.  SMACK!  SMACK!

ANTHONY WEINER

Oh wow, an actual dickhead who keeps his brain in his penis.  He was a US representative from New York state before his sexting to women got him in very hot water with his constituents, his wife who happens to be a longtime aide to Hillary Clinton, and just about everyone else in the broad-minded (although not as broad-minded as he believed) world.  The first incident happened in 2011; there were apologies and promises to reform and all seemed well, until 2013 when another incident happened.  Again apologies and promises, until this past weekend when he texted a photo of his favorite body part while lying in bed with his son.  Now even his wife has had enough and the couple has announced their separation.  You go, girl!  And don’t hesitate to SMACK, SMACK your soon to be idiot ex-husband as you walk out the door. 

ROGER AILES

Hey, Jabba!  You had it all!  You ruled the Fox News channel for decades, telling people how they should think about their world view and thereby forming an entire new wing of radical political thought.  Okay, so now we know all the while - going back to when you were a producer for The Mike Douglas Show - that you subscribed to the casting couch philosophy of working with women in your employ. Now there are widespread reports and lawsuits of sexual harassment at Fox News, where you promoted a dress code of short dresses and high heels for female employees. It looks like I picked the wrong day to walk away from a career in television journalism…oh, I mean, this is shocking, absolutely shocking!   Shocking to learn that lines like “We would both be good and better if we had sexual relations!” actually worked for you. It was also shocking to learn that you would confess to not rising when a female approached so you could get a peek down their bosoms as they leaned toward you.   

This method of cheap thrills is a closely guarded (but very open) secret among men.  Women are not that dumb: they’ve known it about this for centuries   Still, it doesn’t give you license to confess it to the world!   That’s it Ailes!   We’ve had enough!   Take your $40 million (!!??) buyout, turn in your man card, and present your cheeks for a SMACK, SMACK. Oh, and try not to drool on our palms….

DONALD TRUMP

Oh, where do we being to enumerate the reasons to slap you silly.   You give us more choices every day of your campaign!  There’s no denying that you are entertaining.  Still your seduction of large swaths of the American electorate to follow you is alarming!  We should probably smack them as well, but there’s too many of them and our hands would probably break open, bleed, and fall to pieces as we performed our ritual.  SMACK, SMACK for you, Herr Donald, and many more to come.

*NOTE: this is meant to be a partial listing and readers are encouraged to add their own pet peeve people to the list at will.

(Thank you for reading. Coming soon,  a very proper tribute to Gene Wilder.)

Here’s Looking at All of Us

It’s another blistering hot weekend here in southeast Pennsylvania in an otherwise dreary, depressing summer.  Too hot outside to do the yard work which needs to be done.  Naturally the temperature and humidity rise to unbearable levels during the hours when many of us have the weekend time to accomplish our outdoor tasks for the week.   What to do?

This is a no-brainer:  retreat to the coolness of the basement, sip an alcoholic libation, and pet the basement cat (Oreo) all while enjoying a grand old movie on Turner Classic Movies.  This one was released in 1942, and dare I say it, it is just as relevant now as it was at the height of World War Two.

The film is filled with desperate characters, many trying to escape the evils of the Third Reich.  They are stuck in one place waiting for a chance to escape oppression, and they all have their sights set on America.  These refugees spend the entire film engaging in various activities, nefarious and otherwise, to accomplish their goal.  They literally beg, borrow, steal, sleep with the chief of police, and kill to travel to the land of freedom.

That was the America of 1942.  What would these refugees see in 2016?

They would most likely see a land where many of the inhabitants have forgotten how could they have it and unwilling to share their good fortunes with others who have seen their lives destroyed by war and intolerance.  They might see a land poised to elect a leader with neofascist leanings eager to turn away the less fortunate; he’ll deny it of course.  They would see a land where walls—stone and economic—are being planned to keep certain people out. 

The refugees from 1942 would never stand a chance today.

Eventually, World War Two would end, but the fighting was never finished and continues to this day.  Oh, hell!   The fight against intolerance will continue for all time.  There, I said it!

The film ended well for the main characters--up to a point.  Okay, so the romantic leads didn’t walk off into the sunset together.  They realized that they would not be together forever, but they could look back at another time of their lives and agree, “Yes that was ours.” They had matured and overcame their old feelings to do the right thing.   

Sometimes the right thing means doing something for the good for all and not just ourselves.  After all, they would always have Paris.

Fortunately, the rest of us will always have Casablanca. 

(Thank you for reading.  The ending of this story has yet to be written…in November.)

Predictions of a Trump Presidency

I won’t mince words: we are utterly delighted that Donald Trump is sinking in the polls.   This past week has been a hilarious/disastrous series of missteps after another for his campaign.   Since he announced his campaign in June 2015 (Why does that seem like a hundred years ago?), he has managed to insult a large swath of the American electorate.

So far he has offended Mexicans, the British, the French, Muslims, war heroes who were captured during the Vietnam Conflict, war heroes who were not captured during the Vietnam Conflict, all other veterans, families of war heroes, Gold Star mothers, Gold Star fathers, Gold Star families, (and this week) people who hold up copies of the US Constitution at his rallies, and screaming babies.

I realize he doesn’t believe in being politically correct, but doesn’t he realize that he is truly effed if he loses the screaming baby vote?

I don’t know why he does not state the obvious and tell us that he doesn’t want anyone to vote for him.  He has no intention of performing the duties of being leader of the free world anyway.  He just wants to feel the rush that his ego experiences at his rallies.  How else can anyone explain away all of his stupid remarks on the stump?

Still, we should probably prepare ourselves for the worst of worst scenarios: that Donald Trump actually does get elected president.  I believe his term will be notable for its brevity.

Here are my predictions for the entire presidency of Donald Trump, all three days.

January 20, 2017

Donald Trump is inaugurated and, as he has done so in the past, departs from his speech, carefully plagiarized by his loving wife Melania from the speeches of past inaugural addresses.

January 21, 2017

Leaders from all over the world determine that somehow President Trump managed to diss all of them in his inaugural address and they decide to retaliate.

Global nuclear apocalypse and hilarity ensues.

Billions of the world’s citizens are vaporized in seconds; vast areas of the Earth are rendered useless for any type of human endeavor for hundreds of years; cats and dogs figure, “What the hell?” that this is a good as time as any to start living together; and the planet itself will become a hollow, smoking remnant of itself blasted out of its own orbit as it hurtles through space to the nearest black hole where its destruction will become complete.

January 22, 2017

Sunny with a chance of flurries in the afternoon.  

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And we end on a sad note (as if this could top a prediction of nuclear apocalypse):

Character actor David Huddleston died this week at the age of 85.  The obituaries are highlighting his performance in the Cohen Brothers The Big Lebowski, but I will always remember him for his role of the mayor of Rock Ridge in Blazing Saddles.   As he might have put it, “Aw, prairie shit!” 

(Thank you for reading. RIP Mr. Huddleston and, for that matter, the Donald Trump for President campaign.)