Update: Prep Day

I’ll keep this short, but suffice to say I survived another colonoscopy. This was my third since I turned 45. The standard thinking is to have one at age 50 and, if they don’t find anything, they don’t want to see your ass (pun intended) for 10 years. However, anyone like me, who shows signs of a possible pre-cancerous condition, gets the honor of having the procedure preformed every three years.

Lucky me!

The prep day as expected was a major pain in the ass (again pun intended). It was a long day of hunger, and lots of drinking, punctuated by short explosions of bowel material. (I’m trying to keep this entry as tasteful as possible. Besides, I couldn’t find a suitable term in Ur Spo’s Book of Big Words.)

The day of the event went as well as could be expected. Lots of questions from the registration, the first nurse, the surgeon, the second nurse, the anesthetist, and still another person who actually administered the anesthesia. Warrior Queen, meanwhile, amused herself with her knitting, snarky comments about the television in the waiting room, snarky comments about the healthcare business, all the while trying to relax after a restless night because yours truly had several bowel explosions in the middle of the night. 

I was done in about 20 minutes and the surgeon did not find any polyps this time. Yay! He did remind me that I have a diverticulous condition and mentioned something about those pesky internal hemorrhoids. My hemorrhoids and I go way back…1983 if memory serves me correctly. I have learned to live with them and treat them nicely so that they don’t make my rear end miserable.

We did not take any photos of our travails. No selfies with any of the staff, although the surgeon himself did snap a few photos as he traveled through my insides. We won’t be publishing those either. Warrior Queen has determined that publication of those pictures would probably violate every form of human decency known to mankind.

I think I’ll try to sell them to Fox News.

(Thank you for reading. Pardon me…I feel another explosion coming on!)

Prep Day Drinking Game

Hey kids! Remember those fun college days when you were gathered around the table with your friends on the weekends and you wanted to get drunk as fast as you could? Sure, we all do! At some point during those weekends, someone would suggest a drinking game to expedite everyone’s main goal of drinking to excess and losing every bit of food you ever consumed in your life during one trip to the toilet bowl. As you may recall, everyone playing the game would take a drink when a certain event happened, or someone said a certain word.

I am inviting anyone who has free time on Tuesday (July 28) to join me in a drinking game. I will supply a list of events which, if they happen, you can drink whatever refreshing libation you choose. I will be playing this game by default, as I will be having a prep day for a colonoscopy on Wednesday. I will be required to drink 12 ounces of clear liquid every hour,* which may take my percentage of water to body ratio from 98% to, oh, I don’t know, 200 or 300%!

So keep your eyes and ears open on Tuesday and drink up!!!!

1. Donald Trump says something mean about one of his fellow Republican candidates for President.

2. Another Republican announces their candidacy for President and immediately qualifies for abuse from The Donald.

3. A media pundit whines that Atticus Finch is a racist bastard!

4. The Donald files a lawsuit for damages when someone says a mean thing about him.  (This may be good for five or six rounds in one hour.)

5. Harper Lee confesses that when she approved the publication of To Set a Watchman, she thought she was Margaret Mitchell approving publication of the sequel to Gone with the Wind.

6. Mike Huckabee chokes on a chicken sandwich at you know where.

7. A second hand completes a full rotation on a clock face in sixty seconds.  (Actually this might be a game ender!)

8. Another woman steps forward to accuse Bill Cosby of rape. 

9. The Donald accidently sues himself!

*My surgeon has advised me gin, rum, whiskey and amaretto do not qualify as clear liquids! Bummer! 

(Thank you for coming back and reading! “Drink, drink, let the toast start/ May young hearts never part/drink, drink, drink/ Let every lover salute his sweetheart/Let’s drink!”)