A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Diagnosis Confirmed: Feline Dander

Finally this week, at the tender age of 57, I was tested for allergies.  Up until this week I just figured I was allergic to everything.  The constant (actually chronic is the accepted medical term) post nasal drip was a giveaway.   More recently I have had more bouts with sinus infections.

My PCP recommended that I see an ENT who did a scopy procedure on my nasal passages.  The scopy found that I had a deviated something or another (accepted medical term is actually “something or another”.  Go figure.)  Then he ordered allergy testing to pinpoint the exact cause(s) of my constant adverse sinus episodes.

I’m sure many of my readers have been subjected to the testing: sticking a number of needles tipped with various allergens into the arm.  My body reacted correctly, which I was thrilled to learn.  I was bit concerned because I had not stayed up all night cramming for this test.   The spots where the bad allergens had been injected flared up nicely.  The technician was very helpful pointing out what each individual bump meant.

“Okay, this is tree pollen oak, ash, elm and so on*…you have a mild allergy to a few mold spores.  Severe reaction to dust mites. Nothing for dogs, but you have a severe reaction to (drum roll and Shakespearean clap of thunder)…cats!”

None of this news was any surprise.  Warrior Queen was tested years ago and had the same results.  I long suspected that I am allergic to my daughters.  Fortunately all three are domestic short hairs.  I remember having severe reactions to long hair cats decades ago: instant congestion, swelled, puffy, itchy eyes, sneezing and a low tolerance for people with opposing political views.  I have not had these physical reactions in years, although the low tolerance for people with opposing political views is still strong with this one.

For many this might be a no-brainer.  The easy solution would be to find new homes for our girls.  This idea was quickly dashed.

Easy solutions, like for example bombing the crap out of North Korea this weekend, might seem attractive in the short term.  The problem with short term effects is that it ends too quickly.  It leaves too much time for doubt and regret later on.  Either we will miss our cats or we end up with severe radiation poisoning as we struggle to survive in the vast nuclear wasteland that was formerly the great USA.

Each of our girls is a treasure, even with the occasional hair ball to clean up.  Nothing seems to bother Nyla: she still wakes me up every morning for her breakfast and then generally ignores us for the rest of the day until she wants treats.  Gigi is young and rambunctious: she has been a good playmate for Nyla since we adopted her three years ago.  Her only bad habit is her use of her sharp claws on my shin when I am sitting at the computer.  I get it that she wants attention, but damn, those claws are sharper than allergen testing needles.

Then there is Oreo, who has not been well lately.  Her plumbing has been clogged up for about a month now.  Her appetite for dry food has fallen off, but she still picks at her wet food.  The vet has given her two enemas so far, but she is still having problems getting rid of her solid waste (if you know what I mean).  The kidneys are fine.  We have started slipping some medication into her wet food, along with a laxative. We hope to see some solid results soon. **

In any event, the mere thought of packing our girls with their tiny kitty valises full of kibbles and litter and expecting them to find their way back to the local ASPCA is out of the question.   Their absence would leave a huge emotional void in our lives.

So we will compromise.   We will invest in various devices to alleviate our suffering.  The purchase of a HEPA air filter is being considered and, who knows, may cut back Warrior Queens asthma attacks.  And our girls?  They can continue to live with us in luxury, their staff at beck and call for food and treats.  And keep that litter box full. 

Going forward our cats will, however, have to endure certain sharp, but good-natured, jabs to their precious pussy psyches from yours truly.   For example I may not call them by name, but rather refer to them as the “allergen factories,” or “portable dander units.”

Such is the price they will have to pay in order to live here at the pleasure and discretion of their human staff.

*I’m paraphrasing here.

**Please forgive this too easy punch line transgression, oh Gods of Satire.

(Thank you for reading.   On the other hand I had no reaction to the dog dander allergen.  Hmm….)

Saturday, April 22, 2017

A Saturday Memoriam: Cuba Gooding, Sr.

Cuba Gooding Sr. passed away this week in Los Angeles.  I’ve always liked his performance on the 1974 hit recording by The Main Ingredient, Everybody Plays the Fool.  In his memory, we will post a video of a live performance on The Midnight Special.  (Remember that late night music show?)

This is one of my favorite R&B songs from the early 70s.  Of course it’s about a relationship gone badly, but I can’t help but wonder.  The title and its premise could just as easily speak to us today as we try to cope with the current regime.

We may all be playing the fools now.

(Thank you for reading.  RIP Mr. Gooding.)

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Nobody Wins

This weekend, as Christians around the world celebrate Easter, tensions are flaring between US and North Korea.  China is stepping in to calm both sides even as North Korea celebrates the anniversary of the birth of their founder.  This is being celebrated with large public demonstrations of affection for the North Korean leadership who are more than happy to show off their collection of YUGE missiles in a long parade.  Talk about compensating for their manhood.

We don’t know what China plans to do, but may we suggest that they invite both sides over for a talk over a nice big bowl of wonton soup. “Bubbala,” they might say, “Come over for a nice hot lunch.  It’s chicken broth and you know how chicken broth makes you feel all warm inside?”

In the meantime, someone needs to tell our leadership that responding to North Korea’s threat of nuclear weapons with our own nuclear arsenal is a no win situation. Fine, go ahead and send our missiles to them as they send the missiles to us. NOBODY WINS…as illustrated in this video from 1981.

Unfortunately our President seems determined to learn the hard way.

Again, talk about compensating for his manhood.

(Thank you for reading.  Or better yet, check out the American International so-bad-it’s-good classic movie, Teenage Caveman, for a view of life after a nuclear apocalypse.)

Friday, April 14, 2017

God and Son: Just Another Friday in Spring

And now time once again for the most blasphemous show in the blogosphere: God and Son!

(Cheesy situation comedy theme music up with studio audience applause.)

Jesus:  What?  That Pilate is a nut!

God: Good Morning, Son.   What is that you have in your hand?

Jesus:   It’s my I Phone, Father.   I’m just reading the latest Twitter feed from Pontius Pilate.   Get this:  @PontiuePilate, Jesus and his followers believe they have the secret to living an ever-lasting life.  LAME!

God:  Um, where did you get such a device in your area of the world? 

Jesus:  One of my disciples gave it to me.  I think it was Judas.  (Beep sound.)  Now what?   Oh, you won’t believe this tweet, Father:  @PontiusPilate: stories about Jesus feeding multitudes with bread and fish.  Another Jesus hoax!

God:  Wow, he’s really letting you have it. Wait a minute, how can you even possess such a device that gives you these messages?  Doesn’t it require some sort of, you know, technology?

Jesus: Yes, I guess so.

God: Okay, and does this technology currently exist in 32 AD? 

Jesus:  Well, um, no.   I thought this device was another one of your miracles.

God: Oh, right!  Yes, this is my most advanced miracle yet.  Carry on. (Another beep.)

Jesus:  What now…oh, this is unbelievable. Get this, Father.  @PontiusPilate: Jesus should just mind his own business and let the money changers run the temple. All of this self-righteous talk about salvation.  SAD.  This kind of rhetoric really makes me angry.  I should go and talk to Pilate about his thinking.

God: Um, yes, you do that, son.  You’ll be right on schedule…

Jesus: What?  What do you mean right on schedule?

God:  Well, you actually do have an appointment with him, right?

Jesus: I do?

God: Yes, check your calendar on your miracle device.

Jesus:  Okay, I just swipe left and, oh here it is, Friday.  Wow!  I have a full schedule!   Audience with Pilate, arrest, arraignment, torture, trial and in the afternoon death by crucifixion.   Wait a minute…Father, what month is this?

God:  Month?   I don’t know; months have been invented yet. 

Jesus: You don’t know what month it is?  I thought you were an omniscient deity.

God: Oh, excuse me, prophet with a device that won’t exist for two thousand years! (Awkward pause with some thunder in the background.)  Look, I do know that it is spring time, when the earth renews itself.

Jesus:  Oh, right.  The earth renews itself and you get another chance to demonstrate your greatest miracle…everlasting life.  (A beep.)  Now what…oh, great!   @Pontius Pilate: just ordered soldiers to arrest Jesus.

God:  Well, at least you’re getting advanced warning this year.

(Troops marching in the distance.)

Jesus: Cursed future technology!  

Roman Soldier: Jesus of Nazareth?   You are under arrest by order of the Emperor of Judea, Pontius Pilate.

Jesus:  Yeah, fine.  Just give me a minute to tweet this.   @JesusChrist: Hey Pilate!  You suck!

God: Whoa, son!  Language!

(Applause and cheesy music up and out.)

(Thank you for reading.   Remember to tweet responsibly.)