Yo! Squeeze My Nose!

Time once again to delve into historical theory where we say “what if this is what really happened” at an event which may become a turning point in our nation’s history. Our speculation is not based on any sworn testimony of the facts, or quotes by an unnamed high-ranking source. In fact, our statements below may be totally fictitious, and may even be contradicted at some point later. We don’t trouble ourselves with the truth here.

That’s why we call it “theory”, okay?

For example, let’s peek into the fateful meeting between President Obama and General Stanley McChrystal after the Rolling Stone magazine published an article about McChrystal’s assignment in Afghanistan and his attitude towards the Commander-in-Chief. It may have happened something like this.

Obama: As you know, I’ve seen an advance copy of the Rolling Stone article, and I didn’t like what I read. I admire you, general, and I appreciate the fact that you voted for me, but we can’t have this kind of insubordinate tone between the military and the civilian leadership. And...you know, I get the feeling that you’re not taking this issue seriously.

General: Oh? What clued you into that idea? Is it my big, fuzzy buttons, or my massively oversized shoes? Oh, maybe it’s my big, red, rubber nose? It makes a funny sound when you squeeze it. Want to go for it?

Obama: Um…I don’t...

General: Come on, Mr. President! Squeeze my nose!

Obama: Let me show you something. Here...it’s a sock filled with tennis balls.

General: Okay, so why are you showing me th-

(THUMP)

General: Ow! Why’d you hit with me that, Mr. President?

Obama: As the saying goes, “Homey don’t play dat!”

Well, that was fun! Let’s do another one! Oh, I know...how about the recent appearance by BP chairman Tony Hayward in front of Congress.

Congressperson: Mr. Hayward, we have found that your company operated with a willful and negligent disregard for the Gulf of Mexico environment in the name of profits. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Hayward: Yes, I will only say that I’m very distraught about all this damage. Now can I go back to my yacht and get my life back?

Congressperson: Mr. Hayward, we don’t think you’re taking this issue very seriously.

Hayward: Oh? What gave me away? Was it the large fuzzy buttons on my suit, or my oversized shoes? Hey, maybe it's my red, rubber nose? It makes a funny sound when you squeeze it. Come over, squeeze my nose!

Congressperson: Just a moment while I look for my sock filled with tennis balls...

Contempt for authority! It’s here, it’s there, it’s everywhere!

(Thank you for reading. Please remember life is full of clowns, and most of them never make it to the circus!)

Intolerance 1, Philadelphia 0

The long legal piss match between the Cradle of Liberty Council of the Boy Scouts of America and the City of Philadelphia has ended for the moment. The issue between them was the Council’s occupancy of a building sitting on city owned land violated Philadelphia’s City Charter rules regarding discrimination. The national Boy Scouts office bars gays from serving in the Scouting movement. The local council’s obedience to the national office has put it in a protracted legal conflict with the city charter. The council was facing eviction from the building they leased for free from the city if it did not renounce the national office’s policy against gays. On June 23, a federal jury ruled in favor of the Scouts.

The decision has forced me to realize my deep conflicted feelings about Boy Scouts. The Boy Scouts do a wonderful job training young men for a variety of skills they may need throughout their lives. I was a Boy Scout, and some of my fondest childhood memories spring from those times I attended weekly meetings or went to camp in the summer. My brother is a scout leader and both of his sons are scouts. The education they are receiving is invaluable and deeply rewarding.

On the other hand — and in this imperfect world we live in, rest assured, there is always another hand — the national office’s policy towards gays is tragic. It is also heinous, counter-productive and all sorts of nasty, negative terms which I can’t possibly fit into a blog entry spanning seven to nine paragraphs. Most importantly — and most tragically — it is perfectly legal according to the United States Supreme Court.

The policy is just as heinous and hateful as any other act of bigotry against a group or culture. The Scouts probably subscribe to the notion that they are protecting their membership from unwanted sexual advances from gay adult leaders. Surprise! Being gay does not automatically make one a pedophile. Mary Kay Letourneau is recognized as a pedophile by US authorities, and she is definitely not gay.

It is counter-productive because it keeps any number of gay adults from being good adult role models. There is an added bonus in that they could become counselors for gay scouts — they DO exist — and help these young men cope with life in a hostile world. Gay adult leaders have just as much to offer Scouts as any straight male leader.

There have been charges made that the city of Philadelphia was prodded into action by gay rights activists. I do not consider myself a gay rights activist, but I do believe I am a progressive thinking person who deplores intolerance. The national office’s gay policy sends a wrong message of promoting discrimination to young people. With this in mind, I will pay the Scouts good lip service, but give it no financial support whatsoever. I would sooner send money to the Ku Klux Klan than to the Scouts, because to me they share the same wrong-headed notions about who is or isn’t fit to be a productive member of society.

I’ve avoided doing some cheap shots at the expense of the national office (like did you hear the Boy Scouts are offering merit badges in bigotry and gender orientation transformation and counseling) because the advancement of these ideas will have serious repercussions for years to come. Ironically, the Cradle of Liberty council agrees with the city of Philadelphia, but they don’t feel they can survive without the sponsorship of the national office. That’s a shame!

The local council should have the balls to break away like a schism in a church and try to proceed with their programs on their own. It wouldn’t be easy, and the national office may waylay the local’s resources with endless legal maneuvers, but it could start a movement. Then perhaps other councils would rebel, and the twin-headed devils of bigotry and prejudice might finally be defeated.

For now intolerance has won a place of high esteem around the camp fires.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember Michael Jackson’s “Man In the Mirror”; change and tolerance begins with each one of us.)

Honest Communications and Body Pride or “Does This Blog Entry Make Me Look Fat?”

In our on-going quest to improve communications across cultures, countries, governments and, yes, genders, we at arteejee have identified an annoying and hazardous road bump in the relationships of life. It starts innocently enough as a question posed usually from a female to a male. It is the question every male in a committed relationship dreads: “Does this (insert article of clothing here) make me look fat?”

There are I don’t know how many other things a man would rather do at that moment than answer that question. He could (for example) come down with the sudden urge to perform an emergency vasectomy on himself with whatever rusty instruments happen to be within reach. What the hell! Depending on how he answers this question, he probably won’t need the testicles anymore anyway!

As a public service to men everywhere, if you’re wife/girlfriend/significant other ever invites you into this tar pit from which there is no escape, please direct them to this blog. Specifically, direct them to this entry, where we here at arteejee are bold enough to answer the question honestly and directly for you. You can say, “Dear, you’ll find your answer at arteejee@blogspot.com.” Then, while your lady boots up the computer and comes to this blog, you’ll have a chance to run like hell.

Ladies, here is your answer: “Don’t be silly! The pants/skirt/blouse looks fine! It’s your big butt that makes you look fat!”

There, we said it! That’s right, we, as opposed to your cowardly husband/boyfriend/significant other. I know it’s tough to take, but this is the price you pay for wanting a relationship with “honest” communication.

Please bear in mind this is not a universal catch-all for all communication situations that could result in homicide or suicide. For example, if you and your lady are splitting up shortly anyway, then you may want to go for a more blunt answer to her question that will drive the last nails into the coffin that was your relationship. If this is the case, then direct them to this answer: “My God, woman! Have mercy on that material! It’s not Spandex you know!”

In case you’re wondering, I have never been confronted with such a dreadful dilemma, because my wife is a very smart woman. She is not shaped like a Barbie doll and she is not a trophy wife. She made these points plain to me when we first started dating, and, what’s more, she is quite proud of these facts. She knows what her body shape is and she knows what materials and colors compliment her body shape.

Anne Marie is also smart enough not to ask me such a question, because I have the fashion sense of a gnat. She knows my opinion of clothing is totally worthless. Seriously, I can recall one incident when a woman broke into laughter upon being introduced to me because I dared to wear a brown shirt with black pants. Me? No fashion sense? Guilty as charged!

I’d like to think that I’m doing better in that department now. I can’t take total credit for this transformation. Once again, I must give credit where it is due and, yes, you guessed it, I have Anne Marie to thank for this also. Oh, and also, for the record, I know I look fat in my pants, and I’m not blaming the pants!

(Thank you for reading. Please remember the wise words of Fernando when he said, “You look mahvelous!)*

*With apologies to Billy Crystal.

Tear Down The Statue of Liberty!

Recent anti-immigrant rhetoric has reached new heights of absurdity. The latest idea being floated — and gaining momentum — among conservative politicians is changing the citizenship status of anyone born in the United States to illegal immigrants. The argument here is that the illegal parents could no longer claim they have to stay in this country because their offspring is a legal citizen. I don’t think these legislators have a clue as to what they are proposing.

First of all, granting citizenship status to children born in the US regardless of their parents’ status is guaranteed in the Constitution. It’s called the 14th Amendment. Changing this law is not as simple as the conservatives make it out to be.

Their proposal would entail repealing this amendment, which is a long, arduous process. Some amendments are introduced, debated, and voted on without passage for years. Two-thirds of the states have to ratify it before it becomes part of the Constitution. Perhaps that fact alone will discourage this idea from going any further than the ratcheting radical rhetoric we’re hearing today.

The saga of the Equal Rights Amendment is a classic example. The ERA wasn’t ratified by the required number of states before its June 30, 1982 expiration and the amendment died. Boy, do I remember that day! I clearly recall my mother yelling at me (like it was all my fault the ERA failed) that she was still a “second-class citizen” on the day after the expiration.

An implementation of such a law would mean entire families are sent back to Mexico. Let’s face it - when conservatives target illegal immigrants, they are referring to Hispanics crossing from south of the border. I’ve never heard any of these legislators rail against those hockey-happy Canadians or any illegals from any of the Asian countries. Given that the Mexican government is waging war on the drug cartels, and given that the result is many innocent people are dying in the crossfire (one estimate runs as high as 23,000 people since 2006), perhaps the illegals should start requesting asylum as war refugees.

However, just in case we really want to do this, then we should be prepared to go all the way! We should not limit our actions to implementing an actual law. We should also do something symbolic to show the world that, yes, this time we mean business. That’s why I am proposing tearing down the Statue of Liberty.

I wrote about this idea before*, but now it should be taken more seriously than just some odd ramblings from a blog filled with satirical musings. We should dismantle this icon of freedom, sell the copper for scrap metal (given the price of copper, this sale could make a sizable dent in the deficit), reassign the Park Service workers at the Statue to other areas of the United States, and put something profitable and capitalist worthy on the land where the statue stands now, like a Super Wal-Mart!

It would be the height of hypocrisy — not that the rest of the world hasn’t accused us of that before — if we kept Lady Liberty with her solemn oath to accept the tired, the poor, and the weak yearning to be free while we’re chucking babies out the other end. It just doesn’t look good.

Is this an outlandish idea? Of course it is, but it’s no more outlandish than legalizing racial profiling like Arizona has done. It’s no more outlandish than the Republican lawmaker who wants to place land mines along the border. Oh yeah, losing whole body parts would be a nice welcome to the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave! Such ideas might just make Liberty rust again, not from acid rain, but from tears when she realizes that the ideals she’s stood for are no longer wanted or welcome.

*”There Was A Time When Strangers Were Welcome Here” (June 2, 2006).

(Thank you for reading. Remember, freedom and liberty is for everyone!)

In Memoriam

A few recent passings that I feel obligated to note.

Andreas Voutsinas

Somewhere in our obsession with whether or not Lindsay Lohan fell off the wagon while on probation, the majority of American media outlets overlooked the death of Greek stage director Andreas Voutsinas on June 8. His name won’t ring a bell with many film and theater fans today, but his work as a stage director and actor's mentor was widely influential. How influential? Consider this short list of the actors he taught: Jane Fonda, Faye Dunaway, Warren Beatty and Anne Bancroft.

His association with Bancroft led him to being cast as Carmen Ghia in Mel Brooks' 1968 landmark comedy The Producers. It was a small role – one short scene – but what a scene! He made the most of his few minutes, stealing attention from the likes of Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder. God bless you, Mr. Voutsinas, for one of the most memorable comic performances in American film history. White white white is the color of our carpet...

Mary Kenny Badami

This one is much more personal and closer to home.

Dr. Badami was one of my college professors as I made my way through the Masters program in Communication Studies at Bloomsburg University (circa 1985-87). During a long teaching career, mostly at Bloomsburg, Mary demonstrated a dedication to her students and a keen interest in intercultural communications — particularly in gender and gay issues. As a consultant, she traveled to the Grand Canyon on a regular basis and conducted many seminars for the Park Service.

I can vouch for her personal dedication to her students. She served as my master’s thesis chairperson and was willing to meet anytime to discuss my progress. One of these meetings took place at a restaurant halfway between us during a snowstorm that left six inches of frozen precipitation on the country roads. Both of us were either very dedicated or very crazy to venture out from our homes on that day.

Once, when I took one of her gender communications classes, I proposed a critical survey of feminist ideas in pop music for my term paper. In my proposal, I directed the reader to a “Comprehensive List of Popular Rock and Roll Songs Containing Feminist Themes”. Mary followed my directions and was confronted with a blank page! (Yes, I’m a wiseass from way back.) She laughed so loud that she scared her cats out of a sound afternoon snooze and probably a few of their nine lives.

The cats, Mercury and Shadow, would get their revenge. Later in the semester, Mary had several of her students papers spread out in front of her when one of her cats came in from outdoors and, somehow finding my paper among them, brought up a hairball on it. We both laughed at this story when she told me about it.

In her retirement years, which she liked to brag about enjoying, she visited her grandchildren as often as she could. Mary told me that she was known to them as Grand Mary, since the title of grandmother was already taken by her son’s mother-in-law. Somehow the title fits her beyond her family role. She was indeed grand in so many ways.

Mary is survived by a son, a daughter, several grandchildren and a wide circle of supportive caring friends who will – hopefully — continue her work in improving communications amongst all of us still in the world. I will miss hoisting a beer or two with her. Bloomsburg will never be the same again!

(Thank you for reading.)

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Helen?

Helen Thomas, the grand dame of the White House Press Corps, has called it a career. It was quite a wonderful journalistic career in which she excelled as being an inquisitive, provocative reporter and sometime pain-in-the-ass to no less than ten presidents. The reason for her sudden retirement, just shy of her 90th birthday, isn’t age, but rather stupidity.

The incident unfolded at a White House celebration of Jewish heritage. She was asked by a rabbi for comments about Israel. Her response was, “Tell them to get the hell out of Palestine.” The questioners — who thoughtfully recorded her answers for dissemination on the Internet - asked her for details on where they should go. Thomas responded, “Go home! Poland, Germany, and America and everywhere else.”

Okay, I’m not exactly feeling the love in her remarks. A more correct answer would have involved the concept of teaching tolerance for the other people living in the Mideast. Then again, it seems like no one presently living in the Mideast has heard of this concept either, so what the hell!

So now we know this self-evident truth: Helen Thomas is the only journalist in the west who never heard of the Holocaust. I’m sure it was reported in all the newspapers. Hell, there was even an entire world war fought over it. I don’t know how she could have missed it.

The whole incident is very strange. Here we have a veteran news reporter, well seasoned in the nuances of “gotcha” journalism, and she falls into a stupid trap like this. How could she do this? They were wearing yarmulkes! She must have known they weren’t representing the Arab League!

As an American, she is entitled to her own opinion, and being an American of Lebanese descent we can guess where her views of the Mideast situation lie. On the other hand, such a blunt opinion ruined her credentials as a reporter. However, as a columnist, Thomas had more leeway in expressing her personal ideas than every other daily journalist who’s main concern is with the who-what-when-where-why-and-hows of a news story.

The Obama administration was among several groups denouncing Thomas’ remarks. Although she was respected in the White House, she could still be a combative presence in the press corps. One has to wonder if someone in the administration didn’t encourage the rabbi to confront Thomas about her views. To date, no smoking gun has been found. At least no one has come forward with a White House memo entitled “Operation Discard Old Bag” yet.

Well, what’s done is done, and now it’s time for Thomas to move on. I doubt that she’ll stay retired long, even given her age. I’m sure she’ll try to remain active for some time. Maybe she’ll land a summer internship as press spokesperson for, oh, President Ahmadinejad of Iran.

Or she could be a new addition to the talking heads on Faux News! Pair her with Sarah Palin on an evening debate program. Call it the Palin/Thomas Hour or even the Thomas/Palin Hour. The order of the billing could be determined on the premiere episode when both duke it out for the top! I think the opening might go something like this:

Thomas: “You call yourself a public servant, Sarah? Eat moose meat, quitter!”

Palin: “Oh, yeah, Helen? I’ve got your sound bites right here, you betcha! Come meet your death panel!”

Oh yeah! A major bitch slap will really rack up the ratings! I like it!

(Thank you for reading. Everyone in the Mideast, please repeat after me: “tolerance, tol-er-ance, tolerance.”)

Lessons Learned From the Gulf of Oil (I Mean, Mexico)

The oil spill stemming from the April 20 explosion and fire on a drilling platform in the Gulf of Mexico is still with us, getting bigger, and maintaining its newsworthiness. How newsworthy? Consider this: the media are now counting the days that the disaster has been with us. If you’re playing along at home, today is day 50! The last time a crisis merited this type of day-to-day updating was the Iranian Hostage Crisis of 1979. Back then, ABC News converted their coverage into a permanent late night news show called Nightline.

We could look at the worst ecological disaster from several different view points. This could be a learning moment for the oil industry, which is using trial and error to stop the oil gushing from the Gulf sea floor. It appears that we are just finding out that all of our advanced technologies are inadequate to contain the flow.

That’s the worst part of human arrogance: pretending that we know what to do in every conceivable scenario when actually we hope the worst will never happen even while we pray for divine protection or worse, just cross our fingers behind our backs. For a good example, see Katrina, Hurricane.

Humanity always seems to learn its lessons the hard way. Look at how we’ve resolved conflicts in the past. Sometimes, negotiations and conferences work, but usually we go to arms, butchering millions of people and destroying entire cultures in the process. We know war is bad, yet we keep doing it.

Now we realize that we don’t know everything there is to know about capping a ruptured oil line a mile down in the ocean. Yes, we’ll learn this lesson the hard way too. It’s such a damn shame that all of our human errors have to be so costly.

So, what good will come out of this? We may possibly figure out a better way to drill so deep with maximum safety for humanity and minimal impact on the world’s ecosystems. Or this may be the event that drives the nails of the coffin into fossil fuels forever. We have the technology now to generate energy from other sources like wind. Nuclear energy — which was the ultimate evil when I was reaching maturity (recall the No Nukes movement) — is looking better and better, given that there have only been a few major accidents in its history. With better development of wind and nuclear energy, we may see that we don’t have any further use for coal and oil.

Politically, this event will drive the voices of deregulation underground for a while. A government audit has uncovered widespread corruption and fraud in their own efforts to regulate the fossil fuel industry. Regulators actually allowed oil company executives to write their own inspection reports! Worse still, regulators were in bed — metaphorically and physically — with the oil companies. It’s no wonder there has been no oversight on the oil rigs in the Gulf. Apparently the, sex has been great, but oversight — nada!

Precious time was wasted during the first few months of the disaster with the government and private industry pointing fingers at each other. In truth, there is plenty of blame to go around on both sides. The corrupt government culture in the regulatory agencies has been entrenched for awhile and could probably be traced back through several administrations. Obama has accepted some responsibility for his administration's slow response, but seriously, what else could he have done? He is just one man.

Okay, perhaps he could have shown up at a Gulf press conference in full scuba gear with the biggest mother of all corks under his arm, declaring, “Stand back! I’m going in!” Maybe then the critics might have been impressed, but knowing them they would have derided it as a photo op stunt. Honestly, Obama can’t win no matter what he does!

So this is where I usually put some blame on the Bush administration. Well, why break with tradition! After all, Team Bush did grant BP waivers on the requirement to have a disaster plan on file (April 2008 – note the date, months before Obama took office). Granted, a disaster plan might have been irrelevant given that this crisis is so much bigger than the oil industry ever imagined that no one possesses the right tools to stop the leak...but, hey, I won’t let the facts ruin my fun!

(Thanks for reading! Please remember the entire Gulf of Mexico is now a “no smoking” zone! Go ahead, throw a lit butt on the waters, but don’t say we didn’t warn you!)

Snort Notes – June 2010

FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT/ENVIRONMENTAL SUPERMAN AL GORE AND HIS WIFE, TIPPER, ANNOUNCE THAT THEY ARE SEPARATING AMICABLY AFTER 40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

This was a shock! After all, the Gores were the dream couple that weathered the hurricane known as the Clinton marriage. Ironically, the Clintons are still together!

The announcement explained that the decision to part ways was done after a long and deliberate consideration. Friends of the couple have added that the separation was not due to any infidelities on either side, which undoubtedly has bummed out the media. A nice, juicy affair sells more newspapers and more ad time on the 24/7 television news cycle. It doesn’t appear that Al came home one day after a grueling day of inventing the Internet and found another man’s carbon footprint in his bedroom.

It seems that the couple has simply grown apart. Al, after all, has been out trying to save the world — literally! He’s away from home a lot doing powerpoint presentations on pollution, lecturing academics on the dangers of global warming, and denouncing the industrial giants that shoo away their environmental responsibility of our contaminated planet! That’s a lot to do in one day! Oh well, here’s hoping they have many years of unwedded bliss ahead of them!

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES RETURN FROM DISMAL 2-7 ROAD TRIP AND STUMBLE OUT OF FIRST PLACE

This is nothing new for the Phillies because they seem to go through a slump every season around the month of May. This doesn’t explain the way the stars aligned on May 29 when Roy Halladay fanned 27 batters, and the defense backed him up superbly, to enable him to pitch the second perfect game in franchise history. For those of you playing along at home, the only other perfect game in Phillies history was performed by Jim “What happened to my Senate seat?” Bunning on Father’s Day, 1964.

I don’t know what exactly the team’s problems are now. Perhaps they miss Jimmy Rollins, whose recurring lower leg strain has made him a part-time player this year. Granted, it’s hard to get fired up when one of your major players goes from strutting up and down the dugout taunting the opposition to limping around the infield taunting the team trainer. Then again, we could be witnessing the unfolding of a far more sinister plan at work.

Here’s a theory: the Phillies are such a caring, giving group of players that they don’t want all the glory of being in first place all season. They may want to share first place with the other teams in the division. Yes, that must be it! The Fightin’s allowed the Mets to take first place for a few games at the beginning of May; now it’s the Braves turn. Yes, let each team savor the wonder of first place...then cruelly snatch it away!

Soon the tables will turn, everyone will start hitting again, the infield will execute flawless double plays again, and the bullpen will shut the opposition down. The Phils will surge forward again into first place and never give it up for the rest of the season. Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! (More diabolical laughter, etc.) At least, I HOPE that’s what their master plan is...

BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON ARE STILL TOGETHER

Sorry, I just can’t emphasize the irony of all this enough.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember the Gores are history! The Clintons...ARE...STILL...MARRIED!)

Summer Projects

Summer is approaching fast and it’s time to make up the project to-do list for home improvements. Here are some detailed suggestions on how to accomplish a few of your warm weather tasks.

REPLACING AN OUTDOOR LIGHT BULB OVER YOUR GARAGE

Pull 10' ladder out of garage and place against wall at point that is comfortable to reach the light bulb. Step onto the first ladder rung to test for balance. Feel your forehead and groan. Remark loudly so that your wife hears, “Honey, I feel light-headed. Can you put this bulb in?”

RESULT

Light bulb is replaced with minimal effort on your part. If your wife complains that she has a fear of heights – as my wife would — tell her it’s not that far up and it’s tasks like this that will help her overcome her phobia. If she still complains, offer to stand to one side of the ladder and warn her if the ladder starts to tip away from the wall.

PAINTING THE BACK STEP

Procure one gallon each of primer and the desired color paint, and a wide paintbrush. Open can and stir paint so that the consistency is uniform. Using a nail and hammer puncture holes around the rim of the can so that paint will drip back into the can each time you wipe excess paint from your brush. Place hand on back and groan with the exclamation, “Honey, can you come out and finish this project? My back is starting to ache.”

RESULT

Back step is repainted and you still have enough energy to tackle other projects. Oh sure, the wife might complain that the paint fumes aggravate her asthma — like my wife. This is your chance to call her out as a “wuss” and remind her that it’s little challenges like this that build character.

HANGING A PICTURE

Every summer day will not be sunny and perfect, so it’s a good idea to have a few indoor jobs on your to-do list. First, gather up your tools such as a hammer, nail and picture hook, and level. Next, position the picture on the desired place on the wall. Then grasp fingers in your hand and squeeze hard until your fingers turn red and they appear to be swollen. Hit the hammer on a hard surface and yell out in pain as the hammer strikes the object. Feel free to ad-lib a few curse words before you say, “Honey! I just smashed my fingers with the effen hammer! Could you please hang this effen picture while I run cold water over my fingers?”

RESULT

Picture is hung.

NEGOTIATE VIABLE ECONOMIC SANCTIONS AGAINST IRAN AND NORTH KOREA TO DISCOURAGE THEIR STOCKPILING OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS

Okay, admittedly this task is a lot harder than your run-of-the-mill everyday handyman summer project. In fact, it sounds like a lot of work. It’s probably best if you just let the wife handle this one. No need for tricks here, just come right out and say something like, “Honey, I don’t trust either side on this issue. Could you take care of it?” Or concoct some reason on your own. What? Do you really expect us to do all your thinking for you?

RESULT

?

UNLOADING THE DISHWASHER

Open dishwasher and lift out dishes, bowls, glasses and silverware. Stack dishes in cabinet or assigned rack. Bowls and glasses should also be placed in cabinets. Replace silverware in their respective places in the silverware drawer.

RESULT

Dishes are stored away, ready for use for the next meal. What? You expected your wife to do this job too? May I remind you that you just sent her halfway around the world to deal with half-crazed nuclear madmen! You’ll probably never see her again and now you’re complaining about putting away dishes? What a bunch of wusses...

(EDITOR'S NOTE: The editorial board of arteejee, namely Anne Marie Gunther, does not support, encourage, or condone any of these summer project suggestions. Now please excuse me while I go kick some male butt!)

(Thank you for reading. Please remember kicks to the butt can hurt!)