Tea Time

There was an interesting article in The Philadelphia Inquirer recently about the British tradition of taking tea in the afternoon. The location was curious: the help wanted section in a Sunday edition. There was no byline, except a small note that the article was put together by the advertising department. Obviously they didn’t have enough job ads to fill the space, but that’s a trivial observance.

Being an unemployed person (at that time) I read this and thought, “Okay, I don’t have a job, you people can’t find enough employers to place job ads in this space, and yet you believe I have the financial resources to purchase the silver service, finger food, stationary for the invitations, supplies to make hand-crafted doilies, and all of the different teas I’ll need to do a proper high tea?”

There are several reasons why there will never be a tea event at Chez Gunther.

First, there is the matter of finger food — usually defined as cookies, small baked goods and maybe (if you’re real good boys and girls) cucumber sandwiches! Anne Marie’s idea of finger food is a Fiestaware plate full of toaster pastries (untoasted), but she will be more than happy to give any of her guests the finger if they ask, “Yo, Anne Marie, where are the cucumber sandwiches?”

I repeat: tea event at Chez Gunther, not happening!

Second, we are hardly afternoon tea people. As an example, the article described some of the little niceties (see “doilies” above) the host can offer to display the proper ambiance. Ambiance, now there’s an interesting word. I doubt that I could pronounce the word correctly. When properly used — by someone speaking fluent Main Line — it should be pronounced “um-bee-aunts”. Someone like me raised in the Greater Northeast (specifically Frankford/Upper Kensington) would pronounce it “am-bee-ants.”

To review again: no um-bee-aunts at Chez Gunther. Lots of ants, but no aunts.

Third, if you think your choice of finger food is limited, then you won’t like our choice of teas. No green tea, Earl Grey, or oolong. It’s decaffeinated orange pekoe or nothing, bucko!

Fourth, who the hell in a blue collar household has the time to polish the silver service? More to the point, who the hell in a blue collar household OWNS a silver service? The spoons offered here would be plastic: carefully chosen, saved and accumulated over the course of twenty years of office parties, back when I was employed. As for drinking implements, we use Fiestaware mugs! Not dainty tea cups, but real he-man mugs that can hold a full cup of liquid refreshment! No frou-frou porcelain here!

Oh, and what would we discuss over our biscuits and orange pekoe? The idea that “The Donald” is actually mulling the idea of running for President in 2012? A lengthy discourse on how the poor in this country just don’t get it when it comes to the sacrifices of the rich, who need to hoard every little cent they have for job investment that has yet to materialize? Or the idea that cucumber sandwiches — the kind with the crusts cut off — are getting harder and harder to find? Puh-leeeze!

So, friends, neighbors, and blog readers, do not expect an invitation to high tea from us anytime soon. I know it’s been a tough year for invites, as I expect that many of you were also disappointed at not receiving an invitation to the Prince William-Kate Middleton nuptials this weekend. I didn’t receive one either, but I’m okay with that. Given my pithy dismissal of doilies and notions of am-bee-ants, I doubt that I would fit in anyway.

(Thank you for reading! Happy Birthday to my little brother this week!)

Another Bored Easter Child

I know I’ve written about this subject before*, but it is that time of year once again to contemplate the trials and tribulations of a small segment of American society. We all know to whom I’m referring. It’s those people who are very adamant — some would say stubborn — about their life, their feelings, their beliefs, and who are very determined to express their ideas as loudly as they can. Some might believe that these traits are signs of immaturity, but this is something that society as a whole is willing to overlook.

No, this is not about the Tea Partiers. It is about the small children everywhere who don’t understand the true meaning of Easter. And after reading this entry, they still won’t know the true meaning of the holiday, but at least they’ll know that we empathize with their feelings.

We understand more about their lives than they realize. We know how tough their lives are. We know, for example, they spend most of their days crying and screaming at their clueless grown-up humans living with them about their every little need. Why don’t these adults understand that you are the center of the universe? Honestly, children, I am just as puzzled as you are.

I know you have a long, tiring week what with eating, pooping, sleeping, and torturing your little sister (who thinks that SHE is the center of the universe). There’s no denying that you work hard all week keeping up this schedule. The one thing you look forward to is sleeping in on Sunday mornings with your arms caressing your best buddy (a stuffed animal you call Boo Bear) and a binky in your mouth.

Truth be told, my young ones, many adults share this same vision of a Sunday morning with you. They also look fondly towards a gentle morning rising from bed with something warm and soft next to them, and many also have something in their mouths, but they don’t always refer to that as a binky. I can’t go into any more detail about this now, but as you grow older you will understand. But I digress...

Unfortunately, this weekend is the one weekend of the year that you won’t get to sleep in on Sunday morning. Christians all over the world celebrate this Sunday as Easter, the holiest day of the year! The anniversary when their recognized Lord and Savior rose from the dead. It is a most joyous time!

Now you may wonder what’s so joyous about getting yanked out of bed, forced to put on some cutesy little outfit complete with something to adorn the head and a matching pair of footwear with bells on the front, then paraded in front of a bunch of adults who shriek in high-pitched voices, “Awww, look at the little dickens!” My answer to your puzzlement is, “Hell if I know.” I truly feel your pain.

You are further puzzled when the best explanation these same adults can give you has something to do with a huge boulder rolled out of the way, and somebody’s missing from their final resting place. If you were a little older, you might suggest that they should look for Indiana Jones, who (if your memory serves you correctly) makes a living from breaking into graves, taking museum quality relics out of these holes, and back to civilization. However, you don’t know the right words to communicate this idea. So you just sit there on those hard wooden benches which are not ergonomically correct as they curve around your backside and up way over your head and stew.

This is probably why some wise adult many years ago thought up the idea to make the Easter holiday a bit more attractive to your youngsters. “Let’s make this holiday more for the children,” this adult said. “Let’s give them colorful eggs to play with! And sweet candy to eat, and let’s give a cute fluffy little animal dominion over this entire holiday! And then the children will rejoice with the rest of us!” And somewhere all of his/her words were written, and everywhere it was done.

Unfortunately, there are consequences about each of these icons of the Easter season. The oil used to make the plastic eggs could probably be put to better use fueling our vehicles, as the adults of the world watch the price of gasoline climb out of sight. The candy served up on Easter morning can cause serious health risks if the child overindulges. The Easter Bunny too is questionable: many times he is not small and cuddly, but portrayed as a full size adult. The last time a six foot rabbit was so adored he was the object of a fictional character who was a hallucinogenic alcoholic, but that was way back when comedies about hallucinogenic alcoholics were considered politically correct.

At some point on Easter morning, young child, you will make peace with all of the fuss your adults have made over you. They will fill you with chocolate until your tummy is full and the remnants of your candy orgy are smeared all over your face. You’ve suddenly forgotten about the rude awakening you got that morning and you’re satisfied.

Then you see your little sister — all dressed up like an ornate china doll in something frilly, passed around among the adults, and she is crying the entire time — and your satisfaction is multiplied. She is miserable! Adding salt to the wound, you notice that her binky has fallen out of her mouth and onto the ground. At this point you smile and say to yourself, “Yes! This is going to be a good week!”

*The Bored Easter Child, 4/10/2009.

(Thank you for reading and Happy Easter!)

The Push-up Career Enhancement

If I had to do it all over again, I would get breast implants rather than a college education. Obviously, large breasts not only garner attention, but also endless financial security.

What I am saying has been known by many people for a long time: large breasts = power. They have the ability to make the most intelligent of heterosexual males drool like babies, and make other women who otherwise have wonderful attributes (example: brains) envious. Everyone knows this, but so few people have the chutzpah to make this argument in such base, blunt, and admittedly shallow terms.

Monty Python noted this in a sketch about a contest in which participants have to summarize the writings of Marcel Proust in fifteen seconds or less. At the sketch’s end, the judges throw in the towel and award the prize to (their words, not mine) “the girl with the biggest tits”. It was a funny way to make a very gloomy point about success.

Unfortunately, there are times when the fiction of a television sketch becomes reality. Such is the case of one Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. This young woman has become famous simply for appearing on an MTV reality series. I have never seen the series, but it’s impossible in the 24/7 media cycle to not encounter the amply endowed Snooki.

I don’t know very much about her. The only discernable skill set that she has is her possession of huge bosoms, the ability to stand at a bar and drink like a fish, and speak in a language that would make sailors turn white as a ghost! Yet she recently “earned” $32,000 for a speaking engagement at Rutgers University. The event went well by Snooki standards. Reportedly she advised the packed house to “Study hard, but party harder”.

Note to Rutgers University: you got ripped off!

To recap: millions of Americans with more marketable, profitable skills are out of work while Little Miss Bouncy-Bouncy makes an amount in one night that would take me an entire year to earn. Even more tragic, there are many Americans who will never realize this amount within one calendar year. In a phrase, this inequity is not fair, but such is the celebrity worship society which we’ve become.

This brings me back to my solution for my financial opportunity problems: large breasts. Oh, I can see the whining now from the critics — mostly women, I assume — now. They’ll say, “You’re a guy who doesn’t need breasts to succeed. Besides, you don’t have the right set of chromosomes. Your body might reject them. Also, they’ll clash with your salt and pepper mustache”. I will admit that these are all valid points, especially the last one. I may have to finally ditch the upper lip hair that I have carefully grown and trimmed since I was a teenager.

Even as I contemplate this radical form of career enhancement, there is hope in the news that Rutgers has had a case of buyer’s remorse with Snooki. A few in the college community are lobbying to have New Jersey’s favorite son, Bruce Springsteen, appear at a university event for free in some misguided thinking that it will make up for the Snooki fiasco. Actually, they’re rubbing salt in the wound by devaluing The Boss!

Snooki is worth $32,000, but Bruce is worth zero? What kind of justice is this? After all, Springsteen has been a major influential artist since the mid-70s. He is considered by many to be a rock icon, while many others put him on the same plateau as God. Geez, at least accord him some respect! At least offer him an honorarium which he might not need, but at least he could make a gesture of offering the amount to his favorite charity.

How will The Boss regain his dignity after this offer from Rutgers? I think I know. Hey, Bruce, think breast implants...

(Thank you for reading. Here’s hoping that someday society will judge success by ability and talent, as opposed to man’s baser instincts. Yeah, right, good luck with that philosophy...)

Snort Notes – April 2011

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES PASS 11TH HOUR BUDGET DEAL ALLOWING FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TO REMAIN OPEN. BOTH SIDES NOW SET SIGHTS ON NEXT BATTLE — THE 2012 BUDGET.

Republican Congressman Paul Ryan began the next battle with his proposal to replace Medicare with a voucher system which will allow seniors to purchase their own plans from private insurers beginning in 2023. In his own budget salvo, President Obama announced that he would revive his proposal to eliminate the Bush era tax cuts for those making over $250,000 per year. House Speaker Boehner has already answered that Obama’s tax idea is a “non-starter”.

Translation: look for a lot of hand-wringing in the halls of Congress, back room political intrigue, cries of outrage from the American heartland, maybe some bloodshed on the streets, a lot of sweat from the White House, and tears (mostly from Boehner) which will all culminate in a budget deal same time next year. By the way, Mr. House Speaker, if Obama’s tax plan is a non-starter, then your pal Ryan's Medicare hocus-pocus doesn’t even get the key near the ignition! So, nanny-nanny-boo-boo!

WISCONSIN SETS A NEW RECORD OF SEVEN TORNADOES WITHIN A SINGLE DAY

I don’t want to sound like a liberal version of old-and-in-the-way evangelical Pat Robertson, but I can’t help noticing that this meteorological event happened only a few months after Governor Scott Walker shoved a bill through the state legislature that effectively ends collective bargaining rights for unionized public workers. I realize that it is a physical impossibility, but what if...what if these tornadoes were actually acting on behalf of the unions. What if union workers somewhere in the state burned Walker in effigy and raised their voices to the spirits of Joe Hill and Samuel Gompers in the same way that Moses beseeched the heavens to rain down misery on the Pharaohs.

It is very possible that soon Governor Walker will be visited by several union “associates” (not thugs) who will attempt to make the governor see the error of his ways: “Morning, governor! Nice state you got here! Yes, very nice. So what’s your main industry? Cheese, milk, and Packers fans? Oh, then you depend a lot on your cows, don’t you? Gee, it would be a shame if your cows suddenly got sucked up into the vortex of a sudden meteorological event, wouldn’t it?"

Wow, linking political union busting with natural disasters is definitely Pat Robertson territory! Divine retribution indeed!

SEARCH FOR MISSING PROSTITUTE ON LONG ISLAND YIELDS REMAINS OF 10 OTHER WOMEN

This might be a bad time to bring this up, but what the hell! While the authorities continue their search for the handiwork of a serial killer, it behooves me to remind them that Judge Crater is still missing. Just saying...

VARIOUS CONSERVATIVE LEADERS START DROPPING STRONG HINTS THAT THEY WILL SEEK THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012

Romney’s in, and so is Huckabee. Santorum is “testing the waters” to raise money for a campaign. Palin and Bachmann have been teasing their base, but not committing one way or the other. The Donald is keeping his name out in front by hammering away at the Obama birther issue.

Stephen Sondheim summed up the current situation best when he wrote, “And where are the clowns/send in the clowns/don’t bother, they’re here.”

(Thank you for reading! Okay, kids, your assignment for the weekend is to Google Joe Hill, Samuel Gompers, and Judge Crater.)

Ideological Follies of 2011

Once again, Americans witnessed that our democratic form of government DOES WORK!

We saw this when members of Congress negotiated with the Obama administration to finalize a budget deal on April 7 with just hours to spare before a threatened government shutdown. In the afterglow of the agreement, both sides claimed victory. One concept which undoubtedly contributed to the deal was probably not given enough credit. That concept, of course, is otherwise known as — conservative Republicans, please avert your eyes — compromise!

The self congratulatory mood peaked on Friday night, but gradually gave way to the expected Sunday morning griping on the weekly network news talk shows. Suddenly, no one seemed happy. Most of the groaning came from the Tea Party camp, who complained that not enough was cut. Then, adding insult to injury, Planned Parenthood survived the budget axe.

Defunding Planned Parenthood was one of the Tea Party’s pet projects. They argue that government should not be funding an organization that performs abortions. They see it as a taxpayer subsidized infanticide.

The problem is their argument is superfluous. The bulk of Planned Parenthood’s activities are focused on cancer screenings, mammograms, and birth control for poor and/or disadvantaged women. It has been pointed out countless times that abortions represent only a small fraction (something like 3%) of Planned Parenthood’s job. And, oh yes, it has also been emphasized until all liberals were blue in the face that the organization is barred under federal law from using these federal funds for abortions.

No matter to the Tea Party! They don’t care if it’s 3% or 100%! None of the good Planned Parenthood does for female health and hygiene counts as long as they also do abortions. Talk about throwing the baby out with the bathwater! That’s right child, they’ll fight for your right to exist up to the moment you slide down the birth canal, but as soon as you exit the womb, you’re on your own!

Someday soon, even the hard-headed individuals populating the Tea Party will tire of this ideological piss battle. When they do, we have a few suggestions that they can rail against to waste their time and energy. Many of us would group these ideas under the heading “immutable facts”. Just do us a favor, Tea Party, leave the adults out of your little childish tantrums. After all, the rest of us have a country to run...

1. The sky is blue.

2. The Hyde Amendment — named after the REPUBLICAN congressman who sponsored it — prohibits federal funds being used to provide abortions. (Apparently, we can’t emphasize this fact enough.)

3. President Obama’s birth certificate has been available for inspection on the Internet for over three years. (Another fact that can’t be emphasized enough.)

4. Elvis has REALLY left the building.

5. Fish gotta swim, and birds gotta fly.

6. Seriously, Elvis left a long time ago.

7. SPOLIER ALERT: “The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.”

8. ANOTHER SPOLIER ALERT: Sorry, #7 isn’t as immutable as we thought. It should read, “The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.” Again, sorry about that!

9. Rosebud is a sled.

Tea Partiers: I dare you to argue these points!

(Thank you for reading. Does anybody know what the hell a flagon is?)

Buyer Beware

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR AN ACTUAL BUSINESS EVENT

Time is running out! America, the United States of America, must close its doors by midnight tonight! And everything must go!

Nothing held back! Vast natural gas resources in the northeast! Unlimited opportunity for oil reserve exploitation along the coasts and in the extreme upper northwest! In between, manufacturing belts, a hard-working middle class, more mineral resources and of course the classic “amber waves of grain”.

We repeat, nothing held back! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Act now! The biggest, the best, real estate on the planet! Prime developed land in the northeast and all along the east coast! Just ripe for maximum return on investments! Similar investment opportunities exist on the west coast, but hurry, before the next earthquake strikes! And once again, in between there are huge tracts of residential and agricultural property that are guaranteed to bring fantastic economic advancement to any buyer!

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up to the biggest, best deals ever offered! Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Is this it? Is this all you can offer — land and rocks? Is that all you have to show for over 200 years of democratic experimentation?” We answer, “No, of course not!” There is more, much, much more!

Of course, America’s most precious resource is its people! Americans come in a variety of shapes and colors, but they all have one thing in common. They all share a willingness to do anything to live life to the fullest, dedicating their toils to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, not just for themselves, but for all who share their philosophy.

This wonderful cache is available in lots according to race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, and political philosophy. Blacks, whites, Christians, Jews, men, women, straight, gay, liberals, conservatives and so many, many more varieties! These lots can sliced up, divided up, broken apart, and remixed together with other lots to meet every conceivable investment goal.

Now, I must warn you, there are conditions related to this sale. You must allow the people within these lots to pursue their own economic goals...this is not a slave auction! Allow them to make their own living and pay a small tribute to you, and you’re in business.

Here’s just a sampling of what’s available. Strong-willed, dye-in-the-wool blue Democrats available to the highest bidder from any reputable business conglomerate or interest group. Ditto for strong-willed, patriotic, red Republicans! But wait! There’s more! For the bargain hunters, we are now offering the most fervent, die-hard political philosophy ever seen in the United States. You know who I’m talking about! That’s right...Tea Party Republicans available now! For this group, we will accept your best offer for the lot!

Hurry! Operators are standing by now to take your orders! Financing available to all! Conditions and restrictions apply! Remember, this once-in-a lifetime opportunity ends at midnight, and everything must go!

This sale has been made possible by persistent budget wrangling between Congress and the White House! So hurry, act now! Make your deal, before they reach their deal! Their loss is your gain! We repeat, everything must go!

SECOND DISCLAIMER: MR. GUNTHER IS NOT AUTHORIZED BY ANY FEDERAL, STATE, OR LOCAL AUTHORITY OR ENTITY TO SELL OFF ANY LAND, RIGHTS, PROPERTY, OR PEOPLE CONTAINED WITHIN THE PHYSICAL, GEOGRAPHICAL, OR PHILOSOPHICAL BOUNDARIES OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IN WHOLE, PART OR WILLY-NILLY. BUYER BEWARE.

(Thank you for reading. Remember...satire, satire, satire!)

Wish We Had Your Problems, Maine!

The assault on middle-class workers right to organize has been gathering steam in many state legislatures. Unions are beginning to fight back, but it promises to be a long battle. Most of the fights have been connected to state budget deficits, and in those cases the issue has some merits. State legislators in Wisconsin and Ohio have been eager to divine other results from their portrayal of unions as the big, bad wolf of the public sector.

Then there is the case of Maine, where the fight hasn’t been linked to a money crisis, but is rather more cosmetic. Here, the governor, acting on a complaint in an anonymous e-mail, has ordered that a mural in the state’s department of labor be removed. The mural depicts various images of Maine’s labor history such as factory workers, working children with lunch pails, people engaged in various industrious pursuits, and strikers on a picket line. Allegedly the e-mail complained that the mural was anti-business and compared it to a propaganda technique used by North Korea.

NOTE OF FULL DISCLOSURE: until this issue appeared in newspapers, I had no idea that Maine had any industry at all. Without the benefit of in-depth internet research, I can think of only two products for which Maine is known: lobsters and Stephen King novels. Indeed, if this were true, then why does the state of Maine need a department of labor at all?

This issue leaves me with a variety of feelings. I can understand why Governor Paul LePage wants to make his state more business friendly. More business naturally means more jobs, more prosperity, and more tax revenue to pay down rising state budget deficits. As a historian, I am pissed off! How dare this man deny a vital part of his own state’s history! LePage invites the risk of repeating the mistakes which made the rise of unions possible in the first place.

I also can’t help noting that LePage shares a physical quality with such other freshmen Republican governors Chris Christie and Tom Corbett. To put it diplomatically in Mystery Science Theatre 3000 parlance, these gentlemen are “doughy guys”. This is a much nicer term than describing their physique as ranging anywhere from “pleasingly plump” to “morbidly obese”. NOTE OF FULL DISCLOSURE: anyone who knows me personally can attest to the fact that I have been to the trough more than a few times myself.

My point is that LePage and his colleagues contribute to the public’s perception that they are fat cat businessmen who can live off the fat of the land. They are playing into the Daddy Warbucks stereotype, which doesn’t elicit much sympathy from the everyday middle-class worker who struggles to put food on the table or keep a roof over his head. In this context, the whole issue is silly.

LePage himself has come off as abrasive with his blunt governing style. So far, he has riled civil rights groups when he refused to meet with members of the NAACP for Martin Luther King Day, telling critics that they could “kiss my butt”. He has also installed one of his children as an assistant to one of his advisers complete with a $41,000 salary, a $15,000 benefit package, and a $10,000 housing allowance, according to Wikipedia. I will be very surprised if LePage gets a second term as governor.

Fortunately, there are now some signs of sanity on the issue. A group of eight state senators — Republicans, no less — have written a letter rebuking the governor’s rash decision to remove the mural. The governor himself reportedly has expressed concern that his order caused so much controversy.

Now it appears that the action will cost Maine some bucks. The federal government has notified the state that removal of the mural violates a funding agreement between the two levels of government. The fed's message: put the mural back up or pay back the federal money you used to commission the work of art. Stay tuned for further developments...

At first glance, it appears that Maine has no more pressing problems than the meaning of a painting. I only wish the rest of us had problems this trivial, but unfortunately that is not the case. The state has, as one report stated, 50,000 unemployed people. Governor LePage should stop playing art critic/interior decorator and put his energies in getting his people back to work. After all, not everyone is able to trap lobsters or write horror novels.

(Thank you for writing. Please remember, wall decorations depicting historical events are more interesting than a bare wall.)

Meanwhile, at the Liberal Media Anonymous Therapy

Counselor: Okay everyone, let’s get started. Once again, welcome to the Bonzo Memorial Institute for Right Wing Media. Today, we’d like to discuss your union tendencies. Let’s start with...you! Yes, you! Stand up and tell us your name.

Arteejee: Um, hi, I’m Todd and I...I am a product of collective bargaining.

Counselor, Liberal Media Members, and Bloggers United, Local 5117: Hi Todd!

Arteejee: I realized this while I’ve been reading about all these state governments trying to bust their public unions. At first, I was on the union’s side and their struggle to keep their basic right to negotiate wages, working conditions and benefits. Then I thought back on my life and I realized how I had been affected by unions. My father was a unionized meat cutter for Acme Markets. He had learned a good trade and his wages all came about due to collective bargaining. As soon as he could he transferred to another local in upstate Pennsylvania, and despite the fact that he had to take a pay cut, he was still able to raise my brother and I in an environment away from the city. He did this, and was able to help me get through college, all because of the money he made from the contracts his union negotiated for him. It felt great at the time, but now...now I feel so ashamed of myself...

Counselor: Keep going! You’re doing fine.

Arteejee: But then I realized something else about myself. All the time that I was enjoying a privileged middle-class lifestyle with all the food I could ever want, a roof over my head, Christmases with all the gifts I could ever imagine, and a college education, I forgot about some very special people. I forgot about the business leaders of this great nation, the wonderful industrialists and bankers and capitalists who made this country what it is today. All that time I thought of them as the archenemy of the working class, the oppressors of labor everywhere who would stop at nothing to keep people like my Dad in their place.

Now I know that they were really the oppressed. Burdened down with heavy taxes and crushing government regulations from above, then tortured by the bleeding-heart trivial complaints from their own workers below. These people were the true patriots of our free market system!

Did their employees appreciate their struggles? Could they know the heart-pounding pressure of waiting for a quarterly stock portfolio report while swilling gin and tonics in high leather-backed chairs like many executives have to do year in and year out? Do they feel the anxiety that their employers have to endure because they are forced to wait beyond their scheduled tee time because there’s a jam up on the back nine? Hell no, of course not!

But now I know about their hardships and I appreciate what they’ve done for this country. Meanwhile, the workers snivel and whine. God, they make me sick!

Did you see what the legislators in Maine are doing? They’re rolling back child labor regulations, and I say it’s about time! Why should young people under the age of 16 have it so good? Let them taste the bitterness of working long hours for less than minimum wage. It’ll be a great experience preparing them for decades upon decades of demeaning work for a barely livable rate per hour. I’d like to see them strike about that!

Liberal Media Members: Traitor!

Counselor: You hush! Go on, Todd.

Arteejee: All I can say is Thank you right wing media for allowing me to see the light. I can see that unions are truly distrustful, socialist organizations. I didn’t come to this conclusion on my own. I had help from people like...well, like Rick Santorum, who taught me that our abortion culture is having a negative effect on maintaining a good supply of labor that keeps our country prosperous. He convinced me that women shouldn’t be trusted to make decisions about their own lives. Honestly, it really is common sense to allow total strangers the right to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies.

Oh, then there’s Michele Bachmann! Isn’t she adorable? I just admire the way she confounds the lame stream media with her unique perspectives on American history. Claiming that the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire, and then blaming Barack Obama for an incandescent light bulb regulation that was actually signed by George W. Bush caused the liberals to have apoplexy! She is absolutely a genius, a sheer genius!

Then there’s Sarah...the divine Sarah! Did you hear her criticism of the President’s speech on our military participation in Libya? She invented a new way to pronounce the word skirmish; she called it “squirmish”. No, I’m not making this up. The way she modifies the English language is breathtaking. She really is our very own William Shakespeare.

Oh, oh, oh, and how can I forget Newt Gingrich? I can’t believe how lucky we are to have such a giant intellect in our midst! He loves this country so much that he is warning us that we are heading towards a...oh, how did he put it, oh, yes...a secular atheist society ruled over by Islamist extremists! This man is brilliant...a prophet who can foresee the disastrous end result of our liberal ways!

Counselor: Well, Mr. Gunther, your testimony is very impressive. I see that our therapy here has had a positive affect on you. I believe you’re ready to give up your union tendencies.

Arteejee: Do you really think so? I’m glad you said that, but I haven’t told you the best part yet.

Counselor: What’s the best part?

Arteejee: APRIL FOOL!!!! Joe Hill lives! Joe Hill lives! Come on everybody!

Liberal Media Members and Bloggers United, Local 5117: (laughing and chanting) Joe Hill lives! Joe Hill lives!

Counselor: (sighs) Security! Please take Mr. Gunther back to his cubicle in the Glenn Beck wing.

Arteejee: Glenn Beck? I love Glenn Beck! (maniacal laughter) Hahahahahahahahahahaha...

(Thank you for reading. Seriously, I dreamt I saw Joe Hill last night...and he wasn’t in New Hampshire!)