The Ugly American Goes to Europe II: Democracy Hell in Helsinki

So now everyone is pissed off at the President.  This time it’s not just Democrats and jilted porn stars.  Even some prominent Republican leaders in Washington are speaking out against Herr Fuhrer.  The rest of us are not buying their sudden attack of common sense and patriotic outrage.  Where have they been all these months?

In one respect, the President’s refusal to treat his best bud like a leper is not surprising.  In other times and with other Presidents, our leaders would have imposed sanctions on those countries who messed with our democracy.  Many expected that the President would demand that Russia hand over the 12 Russians indicted by the Mueller investigation last week.

Now who’s naïve?

We could cite historical precedence in the President’s shrug of his shoulders to this threat to our country.   As an example, remember  when President Roosevelt went before Congress on December 8, 1941 and announced, “Now we all know about the attack of our naval base at Pearl Harbor yesterday with a great loss of American lives, but I want to assure this august body and the American people that there is no cause for alarm.  I have just spoken to Emperor Hirohito on the phone and he has assured me that it was not his military which attacked us.  He explained that there are dozens of countries in his part of the world that have the Rising Sun insignia on their aircraft on their wings.  And I believe him and take him at his word as the emperor of a great nation.”

You don’t remember FDR giving this speech?   Do you know why you don’t remember this event?  BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!

It turns out that FDR was a true American President who took defense of the US Constitution and the rest of the country seriously.  As for the current occupant of the Oval Office?  Meh, not so much.

Now that the President has survived another performance review with his boss (you know, Vladimir)* it might be fun to speculate what was said between these two leaders during their two hour no-notes, no-press present tete a tete.

And best of all since we don’t know what was said, we can make it all up.

Putin:  So, Donald, I must say you have been doing better than even I imagined!  No sanctions against my country, regular condemnation of your open press, and an overall disdain for everything related to democracy, and…um, Donald? Are you listening to me?

President Long Tie: Hm?  Oh, sorry.  I was just admiring your well sculpted pecs!

Putin:  Aren’t they beauts?

President: They’re incredible!  Do you always conduct meetings shirtless?

Putin: Only when I want to be intimidating.  Tell me, are you…intimidated?

President: Well, uh…wait.  Is this meeting being taped?

Putin: Donald! I am shocked that you would think so little of me that I would do such a thing!  I swear on my KGB heart that I am not recording this conversation.

President: Good!  I’ll just pretend I did not see the crossed fingers behind your back!

Putin: Thank you.  I appreciate that.  Besides I have an excellent copy of your stay in one of our hotels a few years ago.  We would't want to see it on CNN, would we?

President: Of course not. Now, let’s get down to brass tacks.  Now I warn you, I’m known as a tough negotiator.

Putin: Fair enough.  Can I count on you to look the other way while I deal with Crimea?

President:  Do what you want.

Putin:  Syria?

President: Do what you want.

Putin: We want Alaska back.

President:  Why?

Putin:  We think we did not get paid enough.  I think it was only slightly better than the $24 dollars you people paid for Manhattan.

President: Okay, you can have Alaska.

Putin: Good!  That includes the resource rich land, the wildlife, the people…except for that Palin woman.  We don’t want her.  You can keep her.

President:  Oh, I don’t know, Vlad.  That could be a deal breaker.

Putin:  Did I mention that the hotel tape is high definition and stereo sound?

President:  Okay, you don’t have to take Palin.

*****************

I was wrong.  This isn’t fun at all.  Sorry, I must have…misspoke.

*Surely, you didn’t think his boss would be little ole us, the American voter, did you?

(Thank you for reading.  Are there any sane leaders left in the world?)

The Ugly American Goes to Europe: A Disastrous Hope

We learned, or should have learned in our 20th Century history class, that one nation in particular made not one, but two bids for world domination.

The first time this European nation sided with a group of monarchies around 1914.  American history students are given vague details about the conflict.   All we really hear is someone shot someone else, a ship was sunk, and all hell broke loose.   At some point America was dragged kicking and screaming into what we now know as World War I.   After a few years and tremendous number of casualties, the losers were vanquished and humiliated.    They lived with their embarrassment and licked their wounds for about 13 years.

Then the stock market crashed, and the economic catastrophe rippled throughout the world.   This gave the radical elements in Europe the opportunity to seize power, build up a war machine and take another crack at world domination.  We now know this as World War II, when once again the powers of tolerance triumphed over evil.   The same European nation which lost World War I also lost this second round and, surprisingly, hasn’t made any more attempts at global control.

The lesson which many students of 20th Century world history learned from this was simple:  DON’T PISS OFF THE GERMANS!

Obviously, our current President did not learn this in any history class.  I say any history class, because I dare say that Nazi Germany’s crimes against humanity were so heinous that it was probably covered in Pre-Columbian Mayan Culture classes.

Naturally the President met with the NATO allies knowing he had big shoes to fill.  Namely, he obviously felt that he needed to act the part of the crude, rude boorish American.

The President needn’t have worried; he did not disappoint any of us.

As a horrible guest, he started by criticizing Germany for having a pipeline deal with Russia and accused the Germans of being dependent on Russia.  Obviously, this drove the President insanely jealous!  How dare another nation grow so dependent on Russia?  Okay, so we’re now leaning on Russia to give us their brand of democracy.  Still, it was an example of the pot calling the kettle black.

And imagine, this was just the first leg of a three-part disaster, I mean trip.  No, I take that back.  I did mean disaster.

After his dissing our trusted allies the President proceeded to a meeting with the Queen, and then to his annual job performance review with his boss Darth Putin.

Details to come….

(Thank you for reading.  Watch for the exciting sequels, “The Empire Doesn’t Care” and “Return of the FBI”!)

Announced: The President’s 2020 Campaign Committee

For immediate release to fake news outlets and satirical blogs: the following people have been named to the Trump 2020 Presidential Campaign Committee:

Boris Badanov

Natasha (no last name supplied)

Roger Stonesky

Paul Manafortovitch

Lolita (no last name supplied)

Sergei Gunther (no relation)

Vladimer Internettrollsky

Emma Goldman*

Katrinka Benghazi**

The President is incredibly excited to have these true red Americans working on his campaign for re-election.

*This maybe a typo.

**This is not a typo.

(Thank you for reading.  And God help us all!)