Holding Up the American End and Health Update

Many nights I lie awake wondering/pondering how others in the world perceive us Americans.   Do they see us as a kindly, benevolent big brother who will always do what is in their best interest in the name of democracy, liberty and justice for all?   Or are we seen as troublesome meddlers who circumvent the free will of other sovereignties for the sake of our continued economic security? 

Apparently it is the latter notion which has long taken root in the minds of others throughout the world.  This was brought home to us this past week during the course of El Presidente’s just concluded tour of the Mid-East and Europe.

First, a brief recap.   The first stop was Saudi Arabia where the President was greeted with all of the respect of a visiting dignitary.  Kudos to the Saudis for putting protocol above their personal feelings. 

The big controversy in this visit was the President seeming to bow to the Saudi royal as a medal was placed over his head.  The American twitter-verse jumped all over this as Herr Orange had previously berated Obama for bowing when he visited Arab royalty during his term in office.  Okay, people, let’s all calm down.  The bow could have been a show of respect to a host (albeit one who helped to finance the 9-11 attackers on American soil), not a sign of weakness, but rather just a normal, instinctive, automatic movement of the upper body to facilitate the placing of an object over ones head.  If the body does not do this then there could be an awkward too-close-for-comfort, face-to-face meeting between two heterosexual males who are NOT in an intimate relationship.

Awkward!

Believe me, as a slightly left-of-center liberal, I am all too happy to jump on anything perceived slight which our President may do, but this controversy was much ado about nothing.

Meanwhile the American people contemplated calling a locksmith to change all the locks on the White House before the President returned.

Second stop: Israel, which could have been more awkward then it turned out to be since our leader had blown the cover of an Israeli operative to the Russians a few weeks ago.  Israeli leadership treated our leader as an honored guest while Israeli intelligence seethed in the background.

Believe us, we feel your pain, Israeli intelligence.

Stop three:  the Vatican.  Another warm welcome for our leader,  an exchange of ideas in private about climate change, and a photo opportunity of our President keeping a positive spin on the proceedings with his trademark reality tv grin.  Note that the Pope stood next to our First Moron and he was not smiling.  Nuf said.

Meanwhile Americans hire a locksmith to change the White House locks, but they won’t be able to get to it until after Memorial Day holiday.

The rest of the trip was a few stops meeting with leaders of the G7 and NATO.  The G7 leaders met with Herr Orange to convince him not to back out of Paris Accord on global warming.  His response: he’ll think about and get back to everyone this week.

Then there was the meeting with NATO where our leader’s behavior could be described as boorish at best.   He berated some members of NATO for not paying more for defense when the US pays more than all of the other nations combined.  The President had a point, but it’s just so gosh to whine about money matters when the whole family gets together for a nice visit.

Then it happened: the shove.  During a NATO photo op our President grasped the shoulder of the Prime Minister of Montenegro to pull him aside so he could get in front of him.  Please understand citizens of the world: Americans as children are taught to say “excuse me” or “pardon me” before we make contact with someone as we make our way around them.  We don’t know what Mr. and Mrs. Fred Trump of New York City ever taught their little boy about manners, but obviously it wasn’t much. 

Once he was in front of everyone our Leader struck a pose that reminded me of the notorious fascist, Il Duce.  The other world leader had every right to feel offended, but he diplomatically shrugged off the offensive slight. So much for our reputation in the free world!

So now I know what others must think of us.  Our leader obviously looks down at the others with contempt!  Hooray!   He’s keeping up the American end of our reputation as world class dolts!   Long live the Ugly American!

More bad news:  the President beat the locksmith back to the White House.  Damn!

I am disgusted and heartsick…which segues nicely into an update on my health.

Remember when I waxed poetic about the TURP procedure.  Well, that is now on hold since my cardiologist would not clear me for the operation.  He believes we need to deal with my cardiac issues first. 

I can see his point.  Why bother repairing the plumbing when the entire house is on the verge of collapse?

So the TURP is now on a back burner while I have a cardiac catherization this Thursday to see what ails my heart.

Other than our thoughtless world leader …where do I begin?

(Thank you for reading.   Updates coming soon.)

Talking TURP

Sometimes I need to take a time out from plunging the metaphorical swords of mockery into the hearts of those enemies who annoy us the most.  Fortunately, he is out of the country this weekend, and if anyone at ICE has any balls they might do well to revoke his citizenship.   

It’s at these times when I must muse over more personal matters, much to the embarrassment of my blog readers.

Sorry, blog readers, but sad to say that today is that day and your luck has run out.   Let’s talk TURP.

TURP is an acronym for a surgical procedure that is performed to — and I am being as delicate as I can be — allow the flow of certain waste materials to leave the body without undue blockage of said liquid or undue discomfort to the person experiencing the blockage.  It is easier to explain in terms approved by the Roger Ailes Memorial Institute for Modern Political Strategy, Double Entendres and Other Sexual Perversions then actually explain what the letters of the acronym signify.

I’ll take a whack at it, but I will not be held responsible for any discomfort on the part of those reading this explanation.

The T-U of this acronym stands for Trans Urethral.  Yes, now that I have your attention, this procedure has to do with the body parts down there, or south of the belly or, as they might have referred to it on Mystery Science Theater 3000, the area.

The R stands for the word resection.  It was at this point that Warrior Queen began cringing when I explained the procedure to her.  Strange that even women can empathize with the terrifying description of this surgery to the point that it makes their skin crawl.  It’s strange because they are not known to biologically possess a prostate.  On the other hand, this is the same area of the body where they have to push out an entire human being through a relatively tiny orifice.

And we men think WE’VE got problems!

The P stands for prostate.  Okay, everyone, let’s put all the words together now!  Trans-Urethral Resection of the Prostate! 

Ouch!  Okay, is everyone uncomfortable now?

I can just imagine how everyone is reacting as they read these words.  I will venture a guess that many of you, if not squirming in your seat, have done the subconscious and perhaps primordial action of protecting the family jewels.  This leads me to muse on another theory, if I may digress for a moment.

I will propose the theory that there is a concept of speed faster than the speed of light and the speed of sound.  This faster speed is the time it takes for the hands of a mature healthy male to go from total ease at the side of the body to a cupped position around their genitals whenever the words resection and prostate are used in close proximity to each other.  It is almost as if our dicks suddenly acquired a sense of hearing and the healthy male hastens to cover the auditory organs in the genitals so that it cannot hear the medical professional discuss slicing, dicing, or otherwise mutilating their private parts.

“It’s okay,” we tell it, “The bad man didn’t mean to use those words loud enough for you to hear it.”  I will also venture that a male will have conversations with said organ more times than any of us (including myself) will ever admit.  By the way, this paragraph is not meant in any way to represent anything resembling a confession.  So get your minds right of the gutter.  And for that matter, stop snickering.

Anyway, we are talking TURP today because I may have to have this procedure in the near future.  So much for my summer plans.  I say may because I have another issue which will have to be dealt with before I can have a TURP.  My cardiologist will not give the surgeon the okay to operate on my urethra until they are able to straighten out my cardiac issues.

So all this talk of TURP may have been putting the horse before the cart.  No matter!  My summer is shaping up to be a few weeks with a halter monitor to diagnose my shortness of breath, then perhaps a catherization if the monitor doesn’t pinpoint my heart issue, then perhaps another procedure to actually correct my cardiac issue.  Then maybe we’ll get around to the TURP.

Either way this is going to a long summer...

(Thank you for reading.  At ease, everyone!)

Coming Soon: The New Watergate Follies!

Hey boys and girls! Yes, I mean those of you born after 1975; you children of the 80s, 90s, and millennials!   Have you ever found yourself stuck in the ennui of the present, the tedium of your young lives?  Do you find yourself longing for the “good ole days” which we would define as any moment of time prior to your birth?   Do you wish that you could have been alive for some exciting times in our nation’s history like Vietnam and Watergate?

(Honestly, if you do, then we strongly suggest intense psychological counseling.  We’ll give you the name of a fellow we know in Arizona who could help.  Anyway, if you have never longed for the trauma that was the 70s, then please play along for the sake of this blog entry.)

We know how you have tried to feign interest whenever your elders wistfully recall the days when the major networks (all THREE of them) abandoned their soap opera schedule to show the five-days-a-week daily congressional hearings for months at a time into the comings and goings of all the president’s men.  We know that you have rolled your eyes when they recall where they were when they heard about the Saturday Night Massacre.  We know that you have grown weary as they recount watching Richard Nixon’s resignation speech on national television.

We also know that secretly you wish you could have something like that in your lives to take your minds off of the price of a latte at Starbucks, or the newest iPhone app, or even what Roger Ailes is doing and where is he groping the women now.  Well, wish no more!

With one wave of the Washington Swamp magic wand from Kellyanne Conway…poof!   Your wish has been granted.   Welcome to the NEW WATERGATE FOLLIES!

Now you too can relive the intense national trauma of a major political scandal.  Something juicy* you can sink your teeth into and follow with rapture.  Yes, these events now unfolding before our very eyes could lead to impeachment and/or resignation for this sorry ass excuse of a leader.

Things got off to a fine start this week when the President fired FBI Director James Comey for his handling of the Hillary Clinton e-mail investigation. Was Comey’s fall due to his inability to find anything prosecutable against Clinton or the fact that Comey’s ill-timed announcement that the investigation was being reopened only days before the election?  Did the President seek to punish Comey for upsetting the balance of the election which allowed him to steal the White House?

Our personal answers to these questions are “Doubtful” for question one and “Please don’t make me laugh” for question two.  I’m actually surprised I got through question two with a straight face.

Then there was the inevitable fallout from the firing.  Democrats were furious that Comey was dismissed just as he was ramping up the investigation into Russia’s influence on the 2016 election.  Republicans questioned the motive for the firing, but their sincerity was undermined by the lack of collective outrage on their side of the aisle.  The White House as usual was dumbfounded by the widespread negative reaction to what they believed to be a brilliant political move.

This time all the president’s men and women** defended the firing as based on the recommendations of the Acting Attorney General.  Amazingly the press secretary, the vice president, magic fairy Kellyanne and a Huckabee in-law were all on the same page with this explanation.  Somehow the President himself did not get the memo.  He publicly admitted in a televised interview that Comey’s firing was not due to a Justice Department memorandum, but hinted that it was due to the FBI investigation of the Russian hacking. 

Now there are hints from the President himself that his conversations with Comey may have been taped.  Holy Rosemary Woods, Batman! How will the White House unspool*** this narrative?

We now need to settle on a name for this newborn scandal.   New Watergate Follies might work for now, but it is a bit contrived.    

Trumpgate immediately suggests itself and might even become the official name when historians get around to writing this sordid story. 

Or what about Swampalot?  Hmm...this could work, as it suggests the state of morass in the present administration and yet suggests the forthcoming surreal twists and turns which will guide this scandal.

Suggestions and/or votes are kindly solicited from our readers.

*We realize that millennials might remember the Monica Lewinsky scandal, but we are not counting that witch hunt.  Frankly, we’re still bitter about the whole thing.

**Okay, kudos to the present regime for allowing women to publicly explain the rationale of the President’s action.  Hey, why should men be the only ones to jeopardize their careers in the name of blind political loyalty?

***Pun not only intended, but we’re going to jump in and wallow in it.

(Thank you for reading.  And stay tuned...)

Second Guessing History

I know that there is a new elephant in the room, or rather, the GOP in their rush to give a big tax break to themselves and others in the 1%, have basically given birth to another elephant.   As a result of their legislative action this week, those of us with pre-existing conditions may find affordability of health insurance harder to come by in the years ahead.  That is will become harder if the Agent Orange Care actually clears the Senate and becomes law.

The Republican House members, being the delusional sociopaths who they are who voted for this debacle, insist that they are not taking away coverage for pre-existing conditions. Okay, but they sure as hell are making it more difficult for health insurance carriers to make a profit (they would insist on doing that) while covering people with pre-existing conditions without jacking up rates for the ill and infirm.

For my own life, this could be devastating to my financial as well as physical health.  Let’s go down my own personal check list of pre-existing conditions:  heart disease, high blood pressure, obesity, asthma, and flat feet with screwed up ankles and hips from birth.  Wow!  The health insurance industry will probably lick their lips as they calculate the new 5-to-1 ration of premiums they can charge me (over the rates they would charge younger, healthier adults) once they take all these conditions into account.

The take away from this boys and girls is this:  don’t worry about health care.  You won’t be able to afford paying for it or the insurance which would enable you to pay for it.  Live fast, die young everyone!

So much for the scaring-the-bejeesus-out-of-the-small-children portion of our blog.

Actually prior to this vote on Friday, the big news was the President’s ruminations on American history.   He speculated out loud—as opposed to his usual form of modus operandi, Twitter—why did the American Civil War (1861-1865) have to happen?  He wondered in an interview why the conflict could not have been worked out?  He also speculated that President Andrew Jackson was very upset about the conflict.

Wow, where do I as a student of American history and owner of a BA in the subject begin?

Let’s just tell the elephant in the room that this conflict was meant to happen and inevitable so that we could demonstrate to ourselves how ridiculous the notion of slavery was for the future of the country.  Besides, President Jackson was a slave holder and orchestrated the genocide of Native Americans who died 16 years before the military part of the conflict began.  Imagine how upset he would have been had he actually lived long enough to witness the start of hostilities!

Heavens!

Okay, it’s now our turn to second guess history.  Here is my entry:  how come the first woman to attain a majority of the popular vote in an American Presidential election was not declared the winner?   Yeah, I know it all boiled down to the complexities of the Electoral College, blah, blah, blah.   Still I feel like throwing something in the face of our alleged President.

Or how about the American Revolution?   Did we have to go through the bloody conflict to gain our freedom from royal tyranny?   Why couldn’t Adams, Jefferson, Franklin and company had a nice chat with King George and negotiate a peaceful separation?   Because, amateur historians, it was meant to happen.  Had it not happened then we would most likely be bowing to the Queen today, and marvel that at age 96 Prince Philip has decided to ease into semi-retirement.  Also, our struggle gave birth to this experiment in democracy and inspired other people all over the globe to strike a blow against injustice and tyranny.

Readers, do you have any historical events which you have wondered why they happened the way they happened?  Let’s hear from you.

And remember, history is not for amateurs!

(Thank you for reading.  Also remember history is the original pre-existing condition.)